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User Topic: Questions from WS about the affair
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone's WS ever ask the BS questions?

As a BS I of course have asked my H plenty and still do, but apart from the general "How are you feeling?", he never asks about my thoughts or feelings about his affair, or how I might have felt during those years.

Perhaps it is because I tell him, so he doesn't need to ask, but I can't have told him everything.

Shouldn't he be a bit curious as to my experience, reactions, feelings, thoughts? Not just then but now and for the future?

I always want to know these things.

Does anyone's WS express an interest about this?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 743 | Registered: Feb 2012
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a FWS, I know, because of my A, the time of my A is a great source of pain for my wife.

I do not like causing her pain, nor do I want to trigger her and cause her to go to a dark place that causes me pain in return.... So I tread very lightly regarding the period of time surrounding my A...

It's been 6 years of recovery this month, and although I feel safe discussing anything at this point, it still weighs on me to bring these past topics up with her.

The future is a different story though. Right from the start of recovery, I was all about painting a picture of our future together. I still do this today.



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that Card. It makes sense to me that at this point in your recovery you wouldn't bring the subject up out of the blue.

But may I ask if, during your early recovery, did you ever ask our wife what her experiences were? Perhaps while you were having a discussion about the affair.

Did you personally want to understand her feelings and thoughts? Or was that not an issue because you already knew?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 743 | Registered: Feb 2012
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Did you personally want to understand her feelings and thoughts? Or was that not an issue because you already knew?

She discussed so much with me early on that I knew her feelings and her thoughts intimately.



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that my WH doesn't want to trigger me/cause me to think about the A. Unfortunately, I always think about it, and wish he would be more proactive in communicating about it.

We have set aside Thursday nights to talk about affair and/or marriage stuff, though more often than not we talk about it at other times during the week too. It is nice to know that at least once a week, he is now coming up with something to talk to me about.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men didn't ask any questions. If he wasn't the topic, he wasn't interested.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7506 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Topic Posts: 6

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