The longest journey in life is internal...it is between ones heart and ones mind.
I don't know how many times this past year my wife and I BOTH have expressed this distance within each other. Her mind telling her the A was wrong but her heart driving her to it. My heart screaming at me to STOP THE PAIN...my mind telling me not to as it tries to comprehend the trauma it just received.
Everything in life was not designed to be cerebrally driven, nor was it to be driven by our hearts....we were given both for a reason.
We are all born with the need to be loved and to express love.
I believe upon our birth we are of one mind and heart...though neither are mature, they start out side by side. Somewhere along the way of these maturing, the two get separated...enter FOO issues.
Walls are put up to protect the heart from some pain we are not mature enough to handle. Walls do their job, they keep the heart safe...but at the expense of separating it from the mind and keeping the heart from maturing as it should...as the mind IS developing.
Walls greatly reduce the hearts ability to mature as it keeps it penned in. Meanwhile the mind matures, feeling really good about itself, developing unhealthy pride, knowing the heart is a part of this, but is fine to leave it safely protected within the courtyard the walls have made around it. It figures it has this...don't need the heart anyway....I am the one in control…..look how well a defense mechanism I developed years ago is working!!!
And that is true...our minds are in control, we learn logical ways to deal with the world. Occasionally we think about the heart, but when we check in on it we still see its hurting, notice its lack of maturity, and leave it in its courtyard.
Meanwhile...the trauma the heart has experienced keeps it from peeking over the walls....it ignores its own hunger because if it pays attention to it it might be motivated to break down the walls....then it would get hurt again! NO WAY!
We meet our spouses. We feel that immature romantic love. We see qualities in them that we are missing and love the thought of instantly closing the gap between our mind and heart...our mind peeks in on our heart and sees it smiling....for the first time in a long time it is smiling!!!
It encourages us to propose and accept...we get married!
It is good for a while...heart is picnicking in its courtyard, brain is so pleased with itself that it has found the solution to the hearts pain while staying true to itself.
Then the romantic love starts to wear off...our connection is not as strong to our spouse as we thought it was...we check in on the heart and see it not quite so happy....we also notice the walls are still up! Dang...so much for feeling better without working at it.
Our immature heart makes a few feeble attempts to call out to the more mature mind, but it has no time for childishness....afterall, he did his part, its not his fault the heart decided to not mature with him. This response triggers the heart to go back to the state it was.
The mind feels a little bad about this so it starts to do things to try and help...activity based things...careers, debt management, children, flowers, date nights, nice vacations, even marriage retreats. The heart seems okay...joyful enough the mind guesses. The two have not rejoined each other...but neither recognizes the need to, nor wants to endure being vulnerable by really meeting up again.....they both remember what happened back in the days when they were side by side!
The heart slowly starves again...starts to even wonder if it was actually fed during the romantic love phase or if it just heard the party over the firm walls circling it....
Then something dreadful happens....a loaf of bread is tossed over the wall. The mind is blind to this activity because it is a safe distance from the heart. It assumes the heart is safe in its playpen and the mind can go about taking care of business unburdened by the childish heart.
The heart nibbles on it. This loaf of bread could be anything that draws the heart away from the M and the journey to the mind it shares a body with. This could be infidelity, alcohol, pornography, workaholism...anything that feeds the heart without the full consent of the mind.
At some point in time the heart has enough energy to act out.....it thrashes around in the courtyard....the mind suddenly hears the commotion, hurries to peak into the playpen...it is shocked to see the heart so ALIVE...the mind tries to calm it down....the heart is like a caged lion....scares the mind, which retreats and hides....the heart takes control.
It is no better at running a person through life as the mind was...but it is faster and more aggressive due to the decades of oppression.
The mind hides, the heart makes decisions blindly...walls are still up, but it is controlling the whole body now...its THEIR turn to run the show! Sight means nothing, logic has even less value then sight does...chaos ensues.
Is the deterioration of my marriage, your marriage, a result of intellectual failure or heart failure?
If love is a choice....where is that choice made? Sometime it has to be a joint venture, right?
Is mature love only possible when the heart and mind come together, or at least have some doors and windows in the wall between the two?
During the affair surely the intellectual mind is throwing flags like crazy...but the heart overrides it?