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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggering assistance needed ... Cell Phones
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the pin lock (for security), and keeping it on silent in your presence (out of respect), but something is still pinging as off about this. People who aren't constantly on their phones don't usually get this much activity. Maybe give it some time, ask respectful questions and then just listen to your gut.

Posts: 3272 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
sparkysable
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Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find guarding one's phone to be a definite red flag.

I think your instincts are telling you something.

I dated a guy briefly who always left his phone in his car, out of sight, etc. I thought I was just being paranoid. Turns out he was still seeing other people, along with still sleeping with his ex-wife! No wonder he hid his phone!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Ann124
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Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I greatly appreciate and understand everyone's perspective regarding this topic.

I think the biggest thing that I have to consider is that SO does work in a high security position so I understand the pin lock. I do have an issue with the phone being on silent and in the glove box. But I do have to give the benefit of the doubt and accept his words and pay very close attention to his actions. Yes, everything I have described, of his words and actions, don't exactly match up at this moment ... But the last conversation we had, he was already back at his place and I was at mine ( and hour or so away from each other). So at this point, he has said he will be transparent about his phone ... now all I can do is be patient and see the next time we are together.

I really adore this man and I believe he does me also. I don't have blinders on in any way, I don't want to continue being a BS, I don't want to compare the rest of my life to my D or marriage. I am not the same person and SO is definitely not the same as my X. I have to give some blind faith and wait and see.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO works in banking and his phone is on lock down at all times. But many times he unlocks it and has me call from it or look stuff up. It is just his job to have everything password protected. I would expect my bank to do the same thing with my personal info. And he too has many demanding clients and often locks his phone in his car instead of bringing it to church, dinner, etc. I have always found that polite. Even at night he turns it off so he doesn't get calls or honestly tempted w work emails.

Funny thing is that the only "trigger" experience I've has was with his cell phone. It was at a time he was expecting emails about Superbowl plans and he kept checking his phone. The constant attention to the phone, when he usually ignores it TOTALLY triggered me as my ex was physically attached to his phone during his A.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
hummingbird8
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Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not one that carried a lot of baggage from my ex cheating. I am remarried now and don't feel the need to check up on my husband. I understand the lock on the phone, but if he never has the phone around you that is the red flag to me. It's not like he's setting it down and not paying attention to it while y'all are together. He's purposely locking it away or shutting ringer off, and if what you said is true lied about the bill coming in. Why lie if he's not hiding anything?

Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hummingbird8,

I understand what you are saying and that is part of my back and forth struggle at the moment.

I just have to wait to see him again to see what happens as I want to see the phone yet, it seems so soon in our relationship, however, as you pointed out I feel that he lied also. But I am waiting to see where things go and how he handles the phone the next time we are together.

I seriously don't know what else to do ... Any other suggestions?


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
StrongerOne
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lock or passcode on phone: basic security for anyone. If you lose your phone do you want a stranger to have access to your email? Your contacts list? Your calendar? Your various shopping accounts?

Phone on silent: my phone is almost always on silent or buzz. When I'm around other people, it's rude to have it ringing or pinging, when I'm alone I don't want to be pestered.

Phone call tone or sound vs texting sound: the original poster didn't make this distinction, just that the phone was audible. Also, sounds can be personalized. My actual ringtone does not sound like a phone ringing. Same tone for text, calls, whatever.

When I'm on my phone, I'm really on it. Then I put it away. I get lots of calls and messages while I am off. They pile up. Doesn't indicate anything hinky about me.

My phone usage messages sound just like every other call or text I get.

Leaves the phone in the glove box. Me too. Or in the desk drawer, or on the kitchen counter. Again, tells you nothing about how trustworthy I am.

Here's what would make me suspicious: sudden change in phone behavior. Doesn't seem to be the case here.

Sorry that this was so long, but some of the responses seemed to be giving advice about the SO's ulterior motives based on thin evidence.

Enjoy your SO...if the phone is too distressing, then perhaps you need to step back from the relationship. But I hope not.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
heartbroken_kk
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Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been unemployed for two years and my finances are in shambles. I keep my phone on silent a lot and don't answer it unless the person calling is already in my address book.... because it's probably a bill collector and I have nothing to give them.

I can see keeping my phone on silent or put away while I was with someone.... I wouldn't want to have to explain that I'm being hunted down by my car loan company. And I tend to not respond to voice mail or messages a lot because I'm depressed and I don't want to deal with it.

I think you might want to look at the various elements that are bothering you and ask what each one means.

If you "adore' this guy, then maybe it is time to test your relationship with him just a wee bit and be more forthright about what is bugging you.

Can you talk to him about "triggering"? Just in general? To say, I've been through a lot and sometimes certain things cause my body to react with anxiety or whatever, and it takes a while to get my mind to calm down after that. Your phone is a trigger for me. Can you talk to me a little about how you use your phone so I can understand your style better and perhaps get my triggers to calm down?

Like... why the glovebox, what's up with that?

If your questions seek to understand instead of accuse, then it may help you process this.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1092 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Spirit13
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Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Ann,

did the phone "ring" or did it just text chime or give a little ding? I took it to mean the phone rang in your original post. To me that makes a difference.

I don't think he would say "Oh, shit" if the phone chimes.... I mean, why would he? Who cares if a phone chimes for an email or a text? If it is ringing then I could totally see someone saying this accidentally if they meant to put it on silent and now it is ringing (and you now notice it... and now he is going to intentionally not answer it and lie about it)


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
dontknowwhyme
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Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my cell plan I get a text from provider when it is due. In the text it states to text back a certain phrase if I want to pay the bill using the credit card last used. Could it have been that?


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Ann124
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Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was definitely a ring versus a short notification of a text or email. At least how according to how my phone is set up. We have the same cell carrier (we are not on the same account) Yes, the carrier we have does send text/emails when a bill is due. But you have to actually log on to the account and select bank info to pay the cell bill. As much as he typed in return/reply ... It was too little to actually pay the bill.

I honestly believe he got a call and that he texted the person that called he was busy or he would call back later. I am pretty sure he lied ... But I am still going to wait until we are together next to be positive. I know I deserve 2X4's but I want to be positive in regards to the situation. I don't want to fly off the handle and I surely do not want to assume anything.

He told me a while back he never deletes any emails/texts etc. If that is true he should be able to reassure me of the situation and show me.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
StrongerOne
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so the issue is that you think he probably lied. Follow up on that. Because it's pretty easy to say, So sorry, let me tell X I'm busy and will get back to him/her later. Or, just ignore it.

Maybe you just want to go slow with this relationship. That's ok!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
miadianna
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Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like this:
I have talked to him about how cell phones are a large trigger for me because of X and all his secrecy. SO tries to reassure me that "there is no one else I am the only one he is seeing"

I'm the kind of person who has their phone on silent or vibrate. I just don't like the ringing sound BUT... if I was going out with someone who was triggered by this and talked to me about it I would be sensitive to it by either leaving it out in the open or at least on vibrate so you can see he's not hiding anything. I always say "if you have nothing to hide, hide nothing." Putting in the glove box is kind of weird to me. Especially when he knows your position on this.

I've dealt with this phone business long before iPhones, back in '94 when that thing would be locked and ringing in the car where I could hear it from the house. And do nothing about it. Cell phones can really be a betrayed person's nightmare.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7456 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am heading out to SO's place this weekend so I will see how things go ...

I think/hope that all of this is just me being slightly paranoid.

I may meet his DD or and DS this weekend and that should be interesting within it self!


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
foreverempty
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Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fingers crossed for you!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will be thinking of you!!!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5615 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I know how you feel. Phones are something my mind is alert to since DDay, can't seem to help it.

I was annoyed at myself for being jealous of a relative who keeps her phone next to her fiancÚ's or they look at each other's all the time, play the games, like we used to.

So now that you've mentioned this to SO, do you know what you'll do with the knowledge of yourself? Have you thought of asking a counselor or doing reading on it?

My concern would be that if it's bothering you with this relationship, will it continue with others and give you a difficult time with trust in general? Because it sounds like a trust issue, which I would think would carry on.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a great weekend and everything went really well with the cell phone topic.

We talked some more about it with SO bringing it up withing a half hour of me being there. Without me asking (which I wasn't going to) he showed me how his bill comes in and how he has it set up ... Just like a previous poster said type in a code and submit and the bill is paid via text ... Yes, his text ringtone for bills is set up to ring as a regular tone versus a notification.

Overall is good/great ... Thank you again for everyone talking me through all of this, this past week!


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
little turtle
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Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you had a good visit.

Are there any plans to change the way he currently handles his phone? Or are you going to accept the way things are? Just curious.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Thefly559
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Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

obviously the cell phone is a trigger, I am sure it is for most of us . In my opinion this is where the resentments start . For me I feel any relationship I choose to get into in the future ( unless purely sexual) needs total openness no secrets or locked phones without passwords , I ignored red flags once , I will not do it again! If you are serious about him and have feelings then you need to address this . If he is telling the truth then there is nothing to hide and he should do what you need to feel comfortable. With my stbxww I was an open book , I would not lock or password anything I was so honest that it was sad. Now as I see how many people lie I second guess my actions but I cannot change who I am for a worse version. I wish you the best but to go through this and make the same mistakes again is silly in my opinion. sorry


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 611 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
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