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User Topic: "Starting now"
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how many D days do you lump together into one big clusterfuck?
Today my WS finally showed me his phone login. He was honest about one thing...it shows no calls since October 4th.
However, he said he only called her 4 or 5 times the second week of of September.
In fact, all through July, August and September he was in contact with her basically every single day. Even after his no-contact letter.
He claims that those times were when he thought I wasn't going to give him another chance. (Even times I specifically told him I WAS giving him another chance.)
Regardless of the fact he SWORE to me at least 2 separate occassions that he would leave her out of our marriage OR our divorce.
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
I had a huge breakdown. HUGE.
He said "that's why I didn't want you to look at these, because it's all in the past, look I haven't talked to her since October 4th and I'm not GOING to talk to her again. I am a different man."
...ad infinitum, ad nauseum.(As far as I know they haven't been intimate since the first week of August, but who can trust anything that comes out of his mouth?)
Ok so lets say I give him the benefit of the doubt about not talking to her since October 4th (as the records show)...he still LIED about everything else. How often and when. He lied to my face daily about not having contact with her. TO MY FACE.
At what point, where? how many times...how often...do you say "ok, starting now." and put all the lies in one basket and start over and try to retrust?
Because I thought we were at that point in June, July, August and September.

He says that 2 weeks ago he "wasn't strong enough" to stay away from her but now he is and he's going to fight and show me.
WTF?
It makes me want to VOMIT that he talked to her so much. Just talking. Just chatting. Really? F you.

And in other news...he signed us up for a couples retreat on communication for next weekend.
Do I go, based on NC from 10/4 or do I sign the papers in my purse and move on...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was your d-day in June? My d-day is also in June. It's been hell and although he stopped his affair, there has been trickle truth, as recent as last week and it kills me. I don't know the answer to your question, but I'll tell you that I've been ready to give up on and off since d-day, but I promised myself based on what everyone said about not making any decisions right away to wait until 6 months to decide. In IC, my therapist needs to remind me of this from time to time when I start sliding down off the fence. Are you in IC?

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 6:49 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"that's why I didn't want you to look at these, because it's all in the past, look I haven't talked to her since October 4th and I'm not GOING to talk to her again. I am a different man."

Well, a Hero's Quest usually takes more than two weeks and a passive approach to character development. If this was an epic fantasy he'd still be trying to catch up to Baldrick from Blackadder.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so lets say I give him the benefit of the doubt about not talking to her since October 4th (as the records show)...he still LIED about everything else. How often and when. He lied to my face daily about not having contact with her. TO MY FACE.

Can you even be sure he hasn't taken it further underground? Are you sure he does not have a burn phone?


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you even be sure he hasn't taken it further underground? Are you sure he does not have a burn phone?

Of course I am not sure! He's had a burn phone before, when he had an EA about 4 years ago. That was the time I told him he needed to go to counseling and he refused. See where that got us?

We are separated so I have no real way of verifying anything, other than through the grapevine of this small town.

It's always that thought of "well, what if he finally has his head out of his ass this time?"
But each time I think that, it's false, and I just get more and more disgusted with him.
For some reason I feel like I am his only fan (even though I really am not right now) and that if I give up on him, he will just want to die. At least for the sake of my children, I have to believe he can be a better person, if not a better husband.

And yes, I am in IC.

Stillgoing:

Well, a Hero's Quest usually takes more than two weeks and a passive approach to character development

I love this...and yes, it does take more than a passive approach. I will say that this particular time he's not being as passive. Without me asking he gave me the sim card to his iphone, fired his attorney and told her he didn't want divorce, signed us up for a weekend marriage communication workshop, and has done some other daily things as well.
But...we've also had some insane fights in the past week as well. It's like lancing a boil. And I am not sure I want to lance this at all...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myperfectlife - I just have to say I love your signature, "The best proof of love is trust."

Hang in there


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been through this before. He is going to have to rebuild your trust which takes time. Given his past lies, evasion, omissions, affairs and wayward behaviors, it might take a long time. Do you feel ok going to marriage retreat? Or do you need some more time to watch his actions and see if he is capable of doing the work?

You don'tt have to make any decisions now. Take care of yourself


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he in IC? He's the one who lied until 2 weeks ago and may be lying now. He's gotta stop lying, and he obviously needs help....

What are your requirements for R? Are they so hard to understand he needs communication training to understand them?

If he wants you to believe what he says, doing what he says he'll do is a lot more effective than communications training.... So what are his goals in signing up for the communications weekend?

It's possible that he's just thrashing around, lost, trying anything he can think of to win you back, and he's heard that girls like communications. In other words, his heart may finally be in the right place.

What's he willing to do to R? NC is questionable. How about IC, MC, answering questions honestly, being transparent? If he's hedging on these things as well as on NC, I think your only options (that don't involve jail time) are accept his behavior or sign the papers.

Even if ow is his backup choice, is a man who has to be with a woman, any woman, all that attractive to you?

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:14 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon...
He is in IC. I am in IC and we have the same counselor, who we also had for MC before I said screw it and filed for D.
My very very very first requirement for even considering reconciliation was NO CONTACT.
He has had such an issue with this, lying about this, going back and forth that I haven't even had the CHANCE to go beyond this issue.
I gave up validating his whereabouts a long time ago.
Now he says "starting now" that he's done with her (heard it before). And that he IS going to show me (I am glad he finally has that confidence but understandably it is hard to believe he will do it.)

Even if ow is his backup choice, is a man who has to be with a woman, any woman, all that attractive to you?

Not at all. Not even in the least.
And that is where I am.
But he says that he understands "now" that he doesn't need anyone. He can rely on himself. He can do this.

So...yeah. I am basically soft 180 and just trying to get my ducks in a row. Buying a house, working my job and going to school.
At some point I will get tired of waiting on him to pull his shit together and sign the papers. Or I will realize it truly isn't worth the effort.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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