The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.
His last GF labelled me naive and stupid for not knowing what was going on. That pissed me off more than anything.
Five years down the line, happy on my own and I've managed to forgive, partly due to his extreme remorse and willingness to pay me alimony and home equity to compensate for putting my life on the line all those years.
Will never forget though.
Big hugs. There can be peace to be found on the other side. Just take the time to acknowledge and process your emotions. This shit is hard.
I am in firm control of the trajectory of my life. I am divorcing; however, it is happening in my own time. I am preparing methodically so that when I leave it shall be him hanging out on a limb and not I.
You do the same. Start thinking about yourself. Prepare for that new job or promotion that you really really want. Start working on developing your skills or planning your dream vacation and quit worrying about his idiot crap. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
After I posted, I put my finger on another source of my rage. I have a teenage daughter that is ridiculously beautiful. She draws stares wherever she goes. Now her father has modeled that women of value (her smart,athletic, accomplished mother) are second to trashy women who are worth nothing to a man except the sum of her body parts. I have spent her whole life raising her to value her virtue, integrity, kindness, and substance. I have modeled what class looks like. I have made our home and my car a bully/gossip free zone, and interrupt any negative talk I hear amongst her friends about other girls. I coached Girls on the Run, which promotes self esteem through running while teaching them to ignore society's messages about beauty. So what does her father do? Get on a hook up website and start collecting trashy women. WTF??? Really??? I feel like he undid all I worked to do.