As for the actual visitation question: you send the sick kid.
Consider therapy for the kids: they are being intimidated and emotionally abused by the visitation issues as much, if not more, than you are. The shelter should have resources for this as well. You can help them empower themselves.
One thing they are likely to suggest: have another adult at the house with you, visibly with you, when the kids are dropped off/picked up.
God forgive me.
I just have to say that this pretty much broke my heart. And he does.
As a mother, knowingly sending your children to a person who basically refuses to care for them, yet demands their time, has got to be the worst thing.
I want to second Landabear's suggestion of contacting a local women's shelter. If you have a university that has a social worker's major, you may inquire to them about local resources there as well. MSW's are required to do interships in different fields, so they will have far more information and resources then you would think.
Same thing with a local law school. 4th year law students do pro-bono work. The collage here actually has a Law Clinic that helps out those who can't afford other legal assistance.
Call your local Bar Association and ask them about affordable lawyer options.
Forgive me if you have already tried all of these. They are other things that might not have been mentioned.
I just want to say that you are a very strong and brave woman. You are doing the very best you can against a freak that seems determined to ruin your life. I know that you probably hate that he's even around the kids at all, and because of the stupid courts you don't have a choice.
Here is a hopeful scenario: suppose you send all three kids for their visitation, sick or not, and he hates the experience of caring for the sick kid(s) so much that he tries to opt to say no next time. You calmly say that visitation states he has all three kids. If he petulantly refuses and says no, only the well ones, you ask him if he is forfeiting his visitation. Simple - he has to say yes or no. He says no, that's it, he doesn't get any of the kids and he doesn't get to make up any times.
I think your gut is right on that it's important not to send any kid over there alone. Your stbx and his housemate sound extremely creepy. ((((((more hugs))))))
The bottom line though, is I think you just need to stand up to him, and not be afraid to make him mad. If he does get mad, then you have grounds to call the cops until he gets the message of what is acceptable or not.
Have the kids ready 15 min before pick up. As soon as he pulls up, out the door they go, and lock it if he goes to come in. He gets pissed and started banging the door down? Call the police.
If he is in the door and refuses to leave, ask him, a few times, then just walk away from him, go to another room, and call the police.
He wants to make up time he refused to take the kids because they were sick? The answer is no. He yells, screams, threatens....keep it if it's in writing, when it does it in person, call the cops.
I normally wouldn't stress to someone on here to use the police frequently, especially with children around. But with your x? You are right; he's scary. The only way to deal with scary is shut him down. Legally. With the police seeing him being an ass. With the police KNOWING you are scared of this dude.
Otherwise, I'm afraid he's going to try to control you for the next 18 years until your kids are all grown. You deserve better than that.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
One thing I like about forcing him to take the sick kids is that all of them will be together.
BUT, there's another side to the coin. I don't want to worry you even more, but I am concerned that he might leave the sick child sleeping at his "home" while he's with the others. And I worry sick about those men living with him.
Are you worried about this?
I haven't read anyone's responses but I think I would probably tell him to FUCK THE HELL OFF.
Then I'd call my attorney and see about getting something in writing about this kind of situation.
Selfish mother fucker!!!!