The ONS called me (left voice message)to tell my how devastated she was about what happened. She felt it important for me to know that she was not a sl*t and that my H told her that he was single. That she was lonely and vulnerable and that he played on her vulnerability.
But what do I make of this phone call?
But what do I make of this phone call?
She has revealed a side to your WH you didnít know existed. His secret. Donít expect the truth from either OW or your WH. OW is just putting her side of the story, based on fact but not necessarily the whole truth. Sheís angry Ė understandably so if she believed he was not married. But there may be spite there too, so tread carefully with any future contact or messages.
You are asking what to make of the call. Thatís tough. How far do you want to take it? Do you want to speak with this woman? If you are going ahead with divorce, it might be better to simply put her and this call to one side and concentrate on YOU and your future. I would give you just one piece of advice Ė donít act upon anger or emotion. These are very, very early days. Donít do anything for a while. Read everything here and take whatís relevant to you. Read the thread ďGreat Posts for NewbiesĒ here in JFO. And donít worry about shaking, crying, screaming, getting the runs, throwing up, etc. Itís all normal.
How could I be with someone for over 40 years from the age of 18 and not know them for the person that they are??
I was with WH for 29yrs before I found out about MOW. It was a 5yr LTA with his ex-fiancee. It was a bolt from out of the blue. I was completely dumb-struck. Time stood still. The shock was unbelievable. After two years of TT, I realised there were other affairs (he denied), but this was the big one. I trusted him. Simple at that. In a rather child-like way probably, but I saw no reason to not give him absolute love and trust. I believed that if he didnít want to be married or fell in love with someone else, he would have the decency to tell me and leave. Not the man I thought he was. And sadly, he will never be the man I would like him to be.
Her words -"He was at the bar with his golfing buddies (true this was a golf trip for him and 4 friends)I walked in and your husband was on me like white on rice. We talked for hours and then his friends left. I took him back to his hotel and one thing led to another. He charmed me and he was someone I needed since my own divorce 7 years ago. I take care of my 85 year old mother, I have no job, and no life. So your husband gives me all of this attention and I stupidly fell for his bullshit."
Me speaking here...There was a lot more to my conversation with this OW. But basically she said that she had met him that night.
BTW, the original message that she left on our home voicemail - my Dday - was her lambasting him for being such a lowlife scum etc. etc and doing this to her and lying about being single.
During the convo I had with her, she kept apologizing to me and saying had she known he was married, nothing would have happened. Seemed sincere...don't know for sure since obviously I am a very trusting person (sucker)...my big mistake in life is taking everyone at their word.
I realize none of this really matters as my WH had sex with another woman and I am seeking divorce, but my mind keeps telling me I must know all of the truth to have some closure to this nightmare. I know that I am rambling, so many thoughts both crazy and rational going on in my head right now.
[This message edited by LMomof2 at 9:01 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
I'd stay away from her.
eta: oh and her calling him lowlife scum? She's known him a few hours and HE'S the lowlife? Look in the mirror, Mrs. Sheesh.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:05 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
She called the house and left an irate message for him (which I picked up)after he did not call her afterwards as he had promised...she did not know that she was a ONS as he had made numerous promises to her about their future together. On this message, she told him that after doing online research, she found out he was married with children
eta: Oh, and if you are objecting to ďwenchĒ, maybe it means something different to you. Here it simply means an available woman. Although the word does imply a woman who may be sexually available given the right circumstances. Which she was. It does not mean the same as whore, prostitute, hooker, slut, scrubber or even trollop. More like hussy. Actually not as bad as calling someone a hussy. Pretty tame in my book.
Sorry, that was a bit of a t/j.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:51 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
My H and I are reconciling but it is the worst thing I've ever experienced. The trauma has been deep and I have PTSD as a result. It's been nine months since dday for us and we are making decent progress. My H has never cheated before this and I was totally blindsided. Shattered world is very accurate way to describe it.
I'm very sorry that this happened to your and your daughters.
It's amazing what lying the cheater does for damage control esp in beginning. They think they can still control the situation.
[This message edited by whattheh at 8:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
LMom: your ws calling your 16 yr old daughter, saying 'it's not that big a deal....' Really ? He has just blown up her world and it's not that big a deal? It amazes that grown up people, adults, can be so callous and thoughtless to their families. Affairs truly bring out the worst in people; we see a side of someone we never believed could / would have acted like this. They create a crisis but, wait ! That's not enough.... let me continue to dig an even deeper hole ! It becomes apparent they have no clue, they've lost all good sense. I hope your daughter gave him the what-for !
It's up to you more than anyone else to help your daughters, and you will do this with a kind and loving heart for them, and they will weather this storm, as will you. Do you have family nearby, who could be your and your daughters' support system as you all go through this devastation--perhaps a grandmother or an aunt? It's so important to take care of yourself, and by doing that, you take care of your girls because they are your very heart.
For now, you have done what you feel is necessary--thrown him out of the house and filed for divorce.
We've all asked the same type of question, and the answer is sadly simple: It is easy to deceive someone that trusts you. We trusted our spouses, so deceiving us was easy.
Things WILL be better, but it will take time. You are so raw right now.
You are not alone. Your girls love you beyond words, and here at this site, we feel and share your pain.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:20 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]
and how "it really is not that big of a deal" and that everything will be fine. I am spitting nails right now.
He needs to examine not only the why but how. Why he was drawn to the attentions of this woman, why did he even consider having sex with her and how he justified going ahead with the act. My guess is that he doesnít want to look at what he has done or at himself, which is understandable when it was so incredibly destructive.
I donít know what else to suggest since you are fixed on divorce. Look after yourself, you are the number one priority. Knowing the details might matter right now, but wonít after your divorce. He did it, you kicked him out, itís over.
However, if there is the faintest chance you might consider reconciliation, then knowing the details, the why and the how and what you are both going to do to repair and heal is vital. The sooner you start, the better.
But first, he needs to realise just how much damage this has done. He has changed your world and his. Nothing will be the same again.He needs to recognise that fact.
[This message edited by LMomof2 at 3:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint.
I would do this. She could be crazy and decide to show up at your home. You want to be sure and get as much documented as you can just in case she does.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
This is not of your doing. This is a choice made by your WH and her. She is targeting you because she didnít get what she wanted and she is feeling foolish to have fallen for his lines. Her problem, not yours. This is nothing to do with you. She is being out of order and spiteful.
She needs to be told that she is NOT to contact you in any way whatsoever. If she does, she can expect the police to turn up.
Sounds a bit Fatal Attraction.
Now days later, she leaves a voicemail for me full of psychotic rants...I feel threatened and am thinking about going to the police to file a complaint. Am I doing the right thing or would this make matters worse?
Well, it seems that maybe there is more to this "ONS" than your H has told you.
My first thoughts were
(a) It was more than a ONS. Your H made lots of long term promises to her, has been in contact with her and now she is pissed because he isn't leaving you for her.
(b) She is dangerous.
Do what Ukgirl suggested.
HUGS honey. Sadly this shitstorm will probably get worse before it gets better.
I am in a similar age frame as you with similar duration of marriage..
As others have said, take some time to get your bearings and support before you make any major decisions..
R is off of the table for me, but because of age and other constraints it will take a long time and careful planning/timing for me to extricate myself from the M without destroying my future..
Like angerisme I bought an SLR camera and went deeply into photography..I also sell some of my work and display it in galleries from time to time...Photography is fun :-) I find it a good distraction to plan for the people, places, things to shoot pics of, and the post processing/editing is fun..When I became involved with a gallery I had a ready made source of activities and friends with similar interests as me...
Until I am at a place in my life where I feel more comfortable in my own skin, I need the distractions that my favorite activities provide...
I know that the choice and decision is mine what I do with my life post betrayal,(D-day) but some of these decisions take a LOT of time and money..And it isn't so easy to overcome a paralyzing FEAR of making life changing decisions when there are limited resources ..So finding some healthy favorite things to look forward to every day do make the unpleasant terrifying journey a lot easier..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:10 AM, October 25th (Friday)]
"You need to read this through in its entirely as it ultimately pertains to your children:
WHy did you have sex with her? Why did you even spend time with her before the act?
WHy did you not stop and think about HOW DEEPLY your behaviors would hurt me, and your children which will damage us for many, many years? You did not just cheat on me. You cheated on your entire family.
And STOP messing with (Daughterís) head. Stop the notes you are leaving for her....I am living with her and see her reaction...it's NOT helping her. Remember, she was there that night the phone call came in. She knows what you did. (Daughters) need to sort out their feelings and to heal. You need to respect that.
Why was the family and life that we had not enough for you?
WHy have you always lead such a secretive life?
Will you now be man enough to admit all of your indiscretions with the other women whose texts I have bore witness to and tell of all the other affairs of which I have had evidence even though I have always given you the benefit of the doubt? I have always put my trust in you even in the face of the evidence, second guessing myself, but now know for certain that you were not worthy of it.
WHy did you pledge full disclosure on September 3 and have sex with her on Sept. 21, then go to the shore with me the following weekend and NEVER even show any evidence in your behaviors of what you had done?
Was this a one night stand? It seems very strange to me how fixated she is on you for a one night stand.
Why would you risk everything for a cheap lay?
Are your buddies impressed with your prowess? Your family certainly isn't. I hope your need to impress other people and your need to nurture your own insecurities was worth scarring your family so deeply.
I would like answers but would not be surprised if you don't have the courage to give me HONEST answers. You probably don't think it's even important that I know the answers. But for me to begin the healing process and get back to functioning normally again in order to give (Daughters) the support they need right now, I need everything out in the open. It's not at all unusual for those that have been victimized to request full disclosure. You can at the very least do that for me.
I wonder if you even know or care in the least about the insurmountable damage that you have done. I think you are incapable of any feelings of remorse. You are just sorry you were caught."
[This message edited by LMomof2 at 11:43 AM, October 25th (Friday)]