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User Topic: Is this appropriate?
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's gonna lie anyway. If you show up, he's gonna say it was innocent and you are paranoid.

This is the deal with Waywards ; they have NO boundaries. Everything is ok with them, because its what THEY want at the moment. He's forgotten your feelings, your pain over the whole A. He is clueless that this is not ok behavior for a MARRIED man.

Reference point: I needed to pay a guy for the balance of a Dave Ramsley class I had been taking at his church and asked the teacher to meet me at Walmart parking lot so I could give him the $$$. He said, sorry, out of respect for my wife, I never meet women without her there.

This is where normal is.

Would you be meeting a guy who signed his email love,joe? without telling your husband?
Nope. You live in reality, your ws is living life in a fantasy bubble.

Are you ready to walk away? If not, keep documenting, see where this is going with this woman. If you are done, then see if a friend can go get pix at lunch, then that night ask him what he did that day. Ask him about lunch, see what he says. Then you can say your friend happened to be at that restaurant.

Leopards never change their spots without massive IC. Sorry.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:01 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2012
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing was mentioned about lunch. He did pack his lunch for today so I have opportunity to open that discussion about lunch and see if he tells me.

Yes my tag line is from before d day 2 and I had finally made it to that mental place that I was ok with moving forward without him. So much has happened since march I should change it to floundering.

I will update later.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't need to flounder. You simply must decide what you are willing to, and not to live with.

Make preparations for the worst. Nothing works better then reality for waywards.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not mean for you to go meet up with them, I meant for you to go and spy on them. If you see with your own eyes inappropriate behavior, touching, hugging etc then you know, and then you cand walk up and say Hi, I'm MRs. Sleepy, but I will be changing my name to Ms. X (whatever your maiden name was). Walk away. Be done. He knows you saw he knows he did something inappropriate. Then he would know that you know.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8461 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming in late on this. You said it's an hour away so it's not like you can just pop in and see what's up, but do you know anyone in that area who would be willing to do some recon for you and take pics?


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would continue watching his e-mail. If he doesn't know you are watching they will discuss lunch and where their relationship is going.

Do not let on that you know. They will out themselves in the email soon enough.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG!! My head just exploded. Too bad you couldn't slip something into the fake lunch he packed and ask how he liked it.

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1026 | Registered: Mar 2012
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reference point: I needed to pay a guy for the balance of a Dave Ramsley class I had been taking at his church and asked the teacher to meet me at Walmart parking lot so I could give him the $$$. He said, sorry, out of respect for my wife, I never meet women without her there.

Thank you for that. Makes total sense.

So, update! She canceled saying her day just "blew up". She calls him "dude", and one of his emails started with "hey, fool".

We moved to NYC area. I'm stuck out in the burbs down the street from his mother who has no boundries while he's off in the city working his "dream" job, so I don't know anyone that can spy.

He and kids have been here since the begining of september(to start school and job) while I took care of things back "home". So, I've on ly been here since Oct 1.

I am going to keep tabs on this for now and see what happens with this lunch date. For now, she left it at same time/day next week.

FWIW, as far as he's concerned the old A and EA are long history, and I am not suppose to keep bringing it up. He says he's moved past it, and I've told him that it's not his decision when I forget it or forgive it. He doesn't get it.

We were in MC but he only showed up a few times. He kept making excuses and that's when I had mentally made it to the point of kicking him out, and that is the only reason he showed up for MC.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think it's good to keep reading his emails and at the same time try to put $$ aside to help u . Also , see an arty in your state about what way a d might go for u .


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel connected to u because I have been thru similar stuff w my x. There is just no getting thru to them about boundaries . They just don't get it . I finally had to go to alanon to learn how to walk away as these affairs are addictions. Ex: My xwh and I were at a party. Dinner time he goes and gets his plate and goes and sits next to someone's 22 year old daughter. Totally clueless that all other spouses were sitting TOGETHER!!!! He's across room laughing w her! I looked stupid. He never understood my dismay. Time after time was crap like this.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2012
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your situation. It does sound like logistically your a bit trapped. That is rough. But...if I follow correctly your H had a PA, an EA and now this? Is this 3 women, 3 instances? If so, I'm sorry to say from my vantage point, this is a guy who will always cheat. He absolutely does not get it and has no intention of stopping his single while married lifestyle. And yes, you can run down these leads, get your proof, confront him--from what I see here none of that matters. You know what he's up to--same thing as the other times. Have you 180d him ever? Sounds like that might be your answer. That, or your only other choices are Divorce him or resign yourself to a life of being married to a cheater. I don't think reconciling and working on the marriage are viable options. You deserve them, but I just don't see it.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2012
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was still in the discovery phase and he had no clue he was accidentally sending all his texts to my iPad, I would use the info to mess with his head. I would casually drop parts of things they would say to each other into normal conversation.

He looked so amused, confused and paranoid all at the same time. In a sick way, I enjoyed that part. I would set up a date night with him one night soon and text him during the day on the night of the date and say "really looking forward to the pleasure of your company tonight" or something like that. I'm so immature sometimes!!! Can't help it!


Posts: 656 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why cant you have him followed by someone he does not know? or a P.I. with a camera ? or do what I did and plant an audio device in the car , most likely if he is having an affair they will leave the restaurant and go someplace else or at least talk while on the way to each other? I hope I am nuts and 100% wrong . I am sorry , all the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 646 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H doesn't know I know he has plans with her

Ask him straight out if he has lunch plans. If he tells you who he is having lunch with, and the truth about e-mailing, then at least the lying boundary has not been crossed. If he lies, you have a VERY clear answer right there, and you KNOW that he knows that what he is doing is inappropriate.

the important thing is of course the pleasure of your company, and x stories.


she signed the last email to him "love, her name".

This sounds flirty to me.

Does he speak like this to other people, or just her?

Ultimately, you two need to sit down and come to an agreement about what is appropriate and what is not. Personally, this would alarm me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He had lunch plans and packed a lunch

He is being lying and sneaky.

Add that to you can't talk about his A's because he is over it?

Bitch boots....it's time for some!

At the very minimum I would be at his lunch date next week,after confirming he has no plans.

When he shows up I would let them get comfy then text him and ask him how his day is and what he is doing.

If he replies, with a lie, or doesn't reply, I would text him back that his crap will be on the front stairs for him when he gets home...then I would slip out, unnoticed and hefty his stuff to the curb.

I am really angry for you!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, last night I picked him up from the train. He had taken a prepared food I bought him the day before.

I asked him how was lunch? He paused with an
uuuh, oh you mean the eggplant?" I was like yea. No mention that he had a lunch planned.

Now, today there is an email to a former work colleague who lives across the country. I think they hooked up when we were dating but living in different cities, but I don't have confirmation of that. Anyway, they emailed back and forth about his new job and discussed talking on the phone which is fine, but he freaking signs the email "tootles" wtf is wrong with this idiot?


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Topic Posts: 36
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