I am so sorry to share my honest opinion with you because it may hurt you to realize this. You may *know* he can do better, but he doesn't do better in any way that signifies change for the better.
I feel like I'm a prisoner because I love and adore him so much but I just can't leave.
He promises he will change, he has cut off contact with her as far as being friendly. He still has to work with her. he now lets me check his email, phone, everything. He has this way of not taking responsibility even tho he says he is. He will say he is sorry which I have heard too much and when I don't except it he gets nasty and tells me it's all my fault.
His getting nasty and saying things are all your fault is a way to distract you, to make you defensive, and to avoid his issues.
You deserve a better life than the one you share with him right now, and you deserve honesty and fidelity. At this point, he is doing damage control and being defensive in order to get his way, but it's unlikely that any real change is happening or will happen.
This sounds so much like an enmeshed relationship, which isn't healthy for you at all! He is untrustworthy and has shown you that. You may want to read the 180 in the Healing Library, in the yellow box off to the left of the screen--and perhaps you will feel strong enough to do it. Here is the specific link: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. To me, he sounds like he isn't going to change, not really, no matter how much you hope and ascribe positive personality traits to him.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 11:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)]
He says he will change but has never showed me. He will try for a week at most than he goes back to the same stuff.
Actions speak more than words.
A question you need to ask yourself is;
do you want to be going through this s**** with kids?
You have the power to take back your life.
I think most of us go through this phase. I did. I was sure if he could just get past the midlife crisis we would be better than ever. I can't tell you the hours I spent analyzing all the horrible things that might have upset him as a child, or in the workplace or whatever. I didn't spend nearly the amount of time analyzing what him dumping his family for his best friends wife did to me. Once I started thinking about myself, the loss of him was a blessed relief.
My marriage ended years ago and in looking back on it, there is nothing else I could have done to save it. But that's just me. However, the real issue is you deserve to think about what you want out of a relationship and life without thinking about how it will affect him. Until you do that he will probably continue to behave the way he is. There aren't any consequences.
Is there anyway I can help him see what he is doing?
I think there are so many issues that he needs to deal with personally that if I give up on him than I am no better.
Please know you cannot fix him! You cannot change him! Apparently, his "love" for you doesn't make a bit of difference in his behavior.
You CAN make a better life for yourself, and that may be without him. You are in a very raw place right now, and I'm sorry for that.
Please read and do the 180 if you feel ready for a positive change--but know that this will be difficult.
What kind of phone does your H have? My ex let me look at his phone all the time and he had a Galaxy. I didn't realize until after he left that there are apps available to hide and delete things. As soon as he left he got an iphone and gave his whore his Galaxy phone with the apps included so her husband couldn't find things. If they want to cheat, they are going to cheat.
I will tell you...I feel so much relief knowing that I don't have to deal with that anymore. It caused extreme stress and anxiety in my life. Always afraid of what was going to happen next. He had EA on Facebook and I knew when I let go and just tried to trust him (which I did), one might stick....and it did. But, I know he will do the same thing to her....emotional retards.
Please do not continue to put yourself through this, he is not worthy of your love.
You get as much time as you need to figure this out. Take deep breaths, and really try to take care of yourself. Let him show you with his actions who he is going to be on the other side of this. Books, counseling, and Anti-Depressants and a will to be a better person/partner changed my FWH completely. While there's still a lot of work to do on the M, I've watched him grow and mature so much in the last 3 years.
You get to decide when you've had enough. You also get to give him a chance, if that's what you want. Just read closely the signs for genuine remorse and lipservice. They become easier and easier to tell apart at this point.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:16 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot