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User Topic: I am living in a nightmare
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From which time to time I wake in sleep.
- Ursula Le Guin

Does it ever, ever, ever stop? I just feel so sad and gray all the time, except when I am angry. It's all just pain. To leave or reconcile, pain. To ask him my questions or not, pain. To try to pretend it's ok and get through the day, or to give in and break down - you guessed it. Pain.

I'M SO TIRED OF THIS!

I'm sick of myself for being so pathetic. This is not me. I was always one who could figure out what needed to be done and make it happen.

How do you get through this? How?


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just breathe. The pain is worst in the beginning. You are not that far removed from DDay. It does get better.

What are you doing to be kind to yourself?

Hang in there.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. No matter what I do, there's pain. Pain in talking, pain in not talking. You described how I feel exactly.

I just keep hoping that it gets better in time.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwillnot

Therapy, water, exercise and time.
You have been thru a life altering event. Find a therapist that deals with infidelity. Interview them till you find one that fits.
We are here. Read the healing library.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me about 6mos of NC to get to a point where I wasn't in pain all day everyday. Now I actually have breaks where I'm myself again and not living the nightmare all of the time. It still comes back maybe once or twice a day. But I can feel myself letting go.

For me, I just felt everything I needed to feel. Leaned into it. And I focused on myself. New job. New clothes. More time with friends. I reached out and tried to channel the love I had for him into family, friends and into my students.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isadora- it feels like 10 weeks should be enough time for my feelings to settle down more than they have. I have not been doing much for myself other than IC and limiting obligations. Probably should be doing more.

Lonely girl - there is no good choice here, it's always lose-lose. Nothing to do but hurry up and wait for that " time" thing that everyone keeps talking about..

Heartache - thank you...

PL- 6 months oh my gosh, that sounds like forever...I think I need to distract myself from all this somehow. Find another focus.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, you're not crazy. Being betrayed is awful.

it feels like 10 weeks should be enough time for my feelings to settle down more than they have.

That's just normal desire to get past pain. Alas, being betrayed brings immense pain along with it. Our hearts just take a long time to heal.

My experience was increasing pain for about 3 months followed by a slow but accelerating dissipation of pain.

We're all on our own timeline, but even so, you can probably count on starting to feel better soon.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what I know: the pain is necessary. Pain promotes growth, promotes change. Surrendering to the experience and allowing yourself to transform, whether that's via reconciliation or separation/divorce, is the only path out of this nightmare that doesn't lead to spiritual death.

In order to blossom, the seed must allow it's circumstances to destroy it. The seed must transform into a growing thing. The growing thing must allow for time to mature it before the flower will form. The flower must mature before the circumstances are right to open & dazzle the world.

It's totally your choice to be a seed that doesn't sprout, that rots away in the ground. OR, to start reaching out with new thoughts, new ideas, new directions, towards a light & life which right now you cannot even see.

(((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Iwillnot
I can feel your pain! I too am a fixer. When things get crazy I seem to switch into high gear and devise a plan of attack. Once I have my plan then I relax. Those plans bring me safety and comfort. Sadly, there is no plan of attack where infidelity is concerned.

My own experience has gone like this: I tried for 4 years to "fix" him. I bought books, we dated, I bought lingerie, I turned over all the bills and decisions to him so he could feel like a man I covered virtually every base possible to the question "How did I drive him to betrayal." Still...it continued. Every few years he would get caught in some way. When I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY figured out that he is likely a sex addict who will not be able to stop I began to make new plans.

Instead of plans for fixing our marriage, I began to make plans to fix MYSELF. I wanted to be happy again and more than that I wanted my daughter to have a mother who was happy, chatty, and fun to be with. I devised a plan for me and her. The first part of that plan was NO MORE SEX AT ALL WITH WH because I did not want another std! I then finished my advanced degree so i could get a good job on my own away from him. I started saving money. And I became the mom of the year. Now? i am doing great. Happy is a constant now. I try hard to stay away from WH who is home every other month so that helps. I have begun looking for jobs once daughter graduates. I have my own credit score up and ready to go. I am prepared to make it on my own with no loss of standard of living once I am ready to divorce. I have no interest in finding another mate. If it happens that is great...if not? I intend to have a glorious professional career. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE...dont let life handle you! And you WILL be happy again sweetie...when it is your time :)


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl said it really well. Your quote by Le Guin was also spot on.

The first span of time after discovery truly is being in an altered state: time moves differently, events are weighted in ways you don't anticipate, feelings and physical sensation are all skewed or heightened or even absent.

It's our brains protecting itself as best it can from what reads like a massive injury. All those altered perceptions are chemical reactions.

Think about that. Think about how much you'd expect yourself to feel like "you" on strong drugs. You'd never demand all your reactions were perfect while you were on major prescription drugs.

It helps to understand there's major biochemistry at work under this much trauma. Just like happiness and love have chemical structures in the brain, so does stress, depression, fear, and anger.

You will feel like YOU again. You'll feel like you even more quickly when you make choices that help the stress go down over time.

It's also why eating, sleeping, and exercise help so much - all of them aid in better body/brain chemistry.

So cut yourself some slack - you're not going to feel "normal" while in the trauma. That isn't something wrong with you or you not handling things in some better magical way.

You're way more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for. Pain, in the best sense, is a motivator to move from a place that isn't pleasant. Listen to your brain in a whole new way.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for all the support! You are helping me so much. This will be a thread I read over again and again.

Sisoon - I do feel crazy. I feel like I am just trying desperately to squirm my way out of the pain but the truth is that it's impossible. Complicating things is that in my FOO we were expected to suck it up and not "feel sorry for yourself.". Which leads me to have trouble expressing how I feel, which makes it harder to bear.

Nature_girl, thank you so much for the beautifully expressed wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes and made me think that maybe something good CAN come of all this.

Angerisme - you are so, so right. I am a top notch "fixer" and that is part of the reason I feel so hopeless here. I refuse to do the pick-me dance and I refuse blame for his affair. I want him to show me his remorse, but in order to do that, I have to let him show me with no " fixing" on my part. I am sitting on my hands so to speak, because normally i would just take care of business.It's only worthwhile if it comes from him.

Reality - I hadn't given much thought to brain chemistry and perception right now. But, of course, this is huge! Huge! Thank you for that perspective.

Last night was horrid. Today I cuddled my kids, talked a bit to a friend, and went for a long walk. I felt a bit better. I need to do more of these things.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 11

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