WH and I are expats (we live overseas). Because of this, our community is pretty small - everyone knows everyone. It's kind of like living in a tiny town tucked inside a big city.
WH's LTA happened with a girl who is also a part of that community, and tons of other people knew about it while it was happening. While I completely agree that our real friends are those who are friends of the marriage, our circumstances are a little different. I don't appreciate that no one told me while the A was going on, but I also realize that everyone here is very cautious about stirring up drama or rocking the boat, because a wrong move can land you on your ass in a foreign country with NO friends that speak your native language and very little possibility of finding any more. So again, while I really don't appreciate that none of the people who knew told me, all those people know OW just as well as they know me, they didn't owe either of us anything, and if I was in their shoes I'd be unsure what to do, too. So I also sympathize with them a lot - the act of telling could blow up their entire lives, and though everyone that knew about the affair knew me from events, parties, etc., none of them were my very close friends. All of my close friends here had no idea.
WH and I used to be pretty active around town and went out frequently. Since dday, we dropped totally off the map, and have been staying home and focusing on us. But the holiday season is coming, and there's a Halloween event I absolutely am NOT going to miss, and I know OW will be there.
The situation is very awkward. She knows almost everyone we know, we know almost everyone she knows, everyone knows about the affair, and everyone probably has a totally skewed version of what happened because OW has been running around town lying about it and telling everyone why she's the victim, and WH and I have only told the details to our closest friends (all of whom are completely outraged at her classless after-the-fact behavior). Yeah, total social life clusterf-.
I'm ready to go out again - no one is going to stop me from enjoying this event! - and WH and I have every intention of just ignoring OW while there. Ideally, she'll just stay away from us, but if she's stupid enough to try to talk to us, we'll just turn around and walk away and keep enjoying the night. So that's easy. But I'm not really sure how to handle potential situations like:
- Either myself or WH is talking to someone and OW approaches and tries to join the conversation. Just excuse ourselves and walk off? WH is committed to NC, so how best to maintain in public?
- Dealing with questions and uncomfortable situations when there's 40 people who know in the same room together.
For me, this event is important, because it will be the first time we see AP out, and it will be setting a precedent for:
a) How WH deals with OP in public (there will be unavoidable run-ins for the foreseeable future, so we have to crack that seal sometime).
b) Our friends and acquaintances and community noting how WH and I behave towards each other and OP.
c) Showing myself and everyone else that I'm not going to spend the next year hiding in my house - I'm not the one who should be hiding.
Ideally we can non-verbally communicate that the best thing to do is for all of us to ignore each other. Anyone else have a similar situation, or advice on dealing with an OP in a close-knit group?Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014