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Newest Member: WoundedSpirit (45440)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do people find this site helpful?
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciated reading your letter.
These were all questions I had too.
For me reading posts in SI helped me understand I was not alone. Some situations may be slightly different, but I was comforted knowing I was not the only one.
I am new to SI. Still have a hard time understanding many feelings. And I find that SI helps put theses feelings in perspective. You can get support for all the different emotions over the course of this.
And sometimes I have to turn away from SI, just to sort by myself.

Believe it or not your post actually helps others. Thank you

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 32964
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I found this site about a year and a half after D-day or day of discovery or disclosure dayÖ.something like that. I am 5 days away from the 4-year mark and itís not as bad as it was, but not near what I was hoping it would be.

To try to answer your questions. I canít answer for all, but we come here for many reasons. Some come to find hope, strength, fellowship, an understanding ďear,Ē help with what to do next. Some continue to come because they truly want to help others going through this hell. I come in search of way to get myself back, but I also know I wonít find it here; itís a vicious cycle. Our stories are the same in that we have all been betrayed in the most bare-naked way; stripped of everything we thought we knew. The details of how it happened may be different; for us all, someone we thought that had our back unconditionally has ripped us all to the core.

To answer your second question is more difficult. I donít consider myself a victim, just a person who was duped in the worst possible way. Shit happens and shit happened to me. People can make amends for their horrible choices; that can be part of life. What I continue to struggle with, even after 4 years is that I canít seem to find a way to look at my husband the way I did pre-affair or even find a new light to look at him through. I know people will say they can move on and have an even better marriage than they did before. I keep looking for that. Mind you, my H has done everything humanly possible to set this right, but to me, there is just no right. A betrayal like this is just something that I canít seem to get past or through. Please know I do not nag him or bring it up at all. We are past that, butÖ.as I write this, I am trying to decide if what we have now is worth continuing. That would include spending my life with a wonderful, caring man who would give me the world. On the flip side, will that ever be enough?? It is something I can do?? Can I live with a man who I respect in so many ways, but not the one way it really matters; does he have my back?? When push comes to shove, do I know to my core that he will not falter?? I canít say yes to that and I donít know if all the other is enough without that. I actually know itís not, but for some reason, I keep searching for the light-bulb moment that it changes. See how messy this can be?? I honestly think I am just biding my time until I break, canít take the betrayal anymore and I just walk away.

I donít know if this helps, but it should show you how messy and confusing this can all be. I know without a doubt that if I knew then that I would still feel like this 4 years out, I would have told him no when he asked to stay on d-day.

Always go with your gut, the mind will only tell you what you want to hear.

"Always go with your gut...the mind will only tell you what you want to hear."!!
WH: 44
DDay: 8/02/09 (just someone from work)
DDay: 10/27/09 Complete confession
WH has done everything right for R (that I know of).

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: IA
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Collect knowledge to determine next action.
2) Confirm I was not crazy.
3) Satisfy myself I can identify foul behavior in the future.
4) Determine/believe in the "Why" to facilitate forgiving.
5) Validate new wisdom. Gain a deeper understanding of what is love, forgiving, anger, etc. to improve and better sustain.
6) Bulldoze/process/lean into the pain.
7) Learn to be the best parent I possible can be.
8) Give recovery the best shot I can, with integrity.

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 784 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Topic Posts: 23
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