First, being betrayed by the person closest to you is extremely isolating. The person that you thought would be there for you, through thick and thin, stabs you in the back so to speak, and does so with the encouragement of another person.
I think what happens is that we think that this must have something to do with "me", which further isolates you. If "I" can't trust this person, if they would do this to "me", then what would someone else do to "me" that doesn't have anything to risk.
The books all say that it is not "me" but they don't know "me" and my spouse did...
So, by coming here, you see, secondhand through other's stories, how this happened to a lot of other people, none of whom deserved it, and how similar our stories are. How that "I" wasn't the only person blindsided, "I" wasn't the only one who was faithful, "I" wasn't the only person who did everything to try to be the best possible partner in the world and it just didn't fucking matter.
Which makes the part from the books believable, when they talk about the wayward spouse and their internal struggles and emotional issues and how the AP is just whomever they ran into who was willing to be a part of something very mindlessly cruel, and not even realize it. It helps to understand the WS as well as the AP and the betrayal.
It was absolutely fucking crazy around here after my wife confessed, the lying afterward, the trickle truth, the deception, the gaslighting, the insanity of it all, lasting month, after month, after month, after month, and then the insanity got worse when the truth came out, and the truth about her life, her lying, her fears, her nightmares, her rapes, her life history revealed, and on, and on, and on.
I actually got here 11 years after the affair. Nearly 2 years after the initial false confession. All to learn that it was simply not me, myself, and I, who had these problems.
What made me unique that my wife, one of the kindest people that I've ever met, if not the kindest, to whom I had dedicated my life to, who I had never betrayed despite many opportunities to do so, would do this to me, lie to me, lie about me, lie to counselors, to family, to friends, etc.
Absolutely nothing....it was her false beliefs, her mental problems, her PTSD, her issues. She was really messed up emotionally, but hid it very well.
I've been a magnet over the years for "crazy women" and "married women" and "women with daddy issues", thank goodness I never fell for someone and married her. Well.....guess who had those issues but never allowed anyone to know about them and made up a life story that wasn't even true to disguise the truth about the past?
Yet, I wasn't the only one who had this problem.
What I learned here helped me with my brother when my brother's wife left him and their kids for another man without kids but who had more money and a much bigger house (and my brother has a very nice house of which I am justifiably envious of considering the dumps I've lived in). How fucked up is that....what was wrong with my brother and his two beautiful kids? Absolutely nothing. Their MC told him "you need to get a lawyer, you don't understand how messed up your wife is".
Yeah, it's been helpful...crazy fucking world.