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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Those moments
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days (moments) I feel I am over this shit. Yet, it can be only minute later, I am right back in an emotional roller coaster. It is so hard on the head. I am even feeling a bit depressive at times. Questioning myself, Am I rational, am I going to be OK. Doubting my decisions, my actions. I know I should see professional help, I have searched the web for services in our area, it is not easy. I have not told about his evil acts to anyone that I can casually speak with (like I am protecting him). Yet I have to deal with this on my own in my own little head. Head feels like it is going to explode at times. Some moments I want to leave him, then I go back the other way. I do not want any regrets whatsoever. Once I'm out, I'm out. I am still not there yet to make the final decision.

Yet, he has been so wonderful. To the point where I wonder if it is a bit of an act. He has been unreal. I sort of feel guilty for doubting his kindness.

I sometime feel I am such in a f... mess. to allow myself to forgive and move on I keep reminding myself that I was not a very good wife to him, put my children first, job the whole life thing. Regardless, he did not have to do what he did, and what hurts also is that he kept it from me for so long. He lied to me for so long.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right about one thing. You being a "not so good wife" (in your eyes) wasn't why he cheated.

He cheated because he has issues.

If you can't get it/afford IC then I urge you to use SI as your counselling sessions.

Take a few weeks/months to get yourself back on track before you decide you're definitely out as you need clarity.

Questioning his genuineness? Watch his actions. Is he open? Honest? Willing to answer all your questions? Willing to hold you when you lose it for the umpteenth time in the same day?

Does he accept 100% of the blame for his cheating or does he tinge it with "yes, but you!" ?

Stay strong and remember we are all here for you every second of every day

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 10:52 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1579 | Registered: Jul 2009
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he is there for me. BUt he does repeatedly say YOU HURT ME SO MUCH" referring to that I was not there for him! Other than that he is there for me. He takes full responsibility, however, when the subject comes up, it never fails, he mentions that I was not there for him. And I truly feel he loves me and always has, I just have great difficulty getting over the fact what he did and how long he kept it from me. I dont trust him anymore, I ask myself will he do this again and put me through hell again. I am assuming that all these emotions are natural and within time, TIME will make the pain, the doubts go away.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are still so new to this. It has only been a few months and it will take at least a year for you to begin to put things into prospective.
Take you time - there really is no rush. You are on an emotional roller coaster and won't be able to step off until it stops and going by what everyone says - it could take 3-5 years. If you still love your WS, isn't it worth waiting and seeing how you feel after a few more months?
I think so. If I had left - and I wanted to many times - then who knows where we would be now. My life isn't perfect, but it is better than it was this time last year. Tomorrow - who knows....the bubble could burst. But, I love my WS - no doubt about it so I'm trying. I gave myself a year and on January 1st, I will re-evaluate and see if I want to leave or try for a little longer. If my WS wasn't working hard and showing true remorse and shame, I don't know what I would do. But, I'm lucky that way - he is so very sorry and can't believe he did the things he did. But, it took him a few months to really (I mean REALLY) see the destruction he had left in his path. To see the selfishness of his acts. Everyone has their own schedules - bide your time and wait and see. For all you know, the best could lay ahead of you. IMHO

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

livebythesea

Ok until he accepts what he did and puts the blame squarely on his own shoulders honey you won't have the man or the marriage you want.

I don't think you should say today I am divorcing his arse. But what you should so is start moving forward in life.. Baby steps.

Decide that 2 nights a week or twice a month or such you want to talk to him about his infidelities and his swinging sites etc....

Journal everything he tells you if you can tape him and go back and journal it down. But that is all that is allowed on this subject of his infidelities..

The rest of the time spend time on yourself learn a new hobby or start a new home project sewing quilting crochet whatever makes you happy! I like to bike and jog and sew and crochet and I never have enough time to enjoy those hobbies!!!
Drink tons of water and exercise do what you love to do!! Make sure over 50% of these things do not include him!!! I didn't include my spouse in anything I did for me at first. I had to be slow at letting him back in.

I lived my life for my family and I had to learn how to live life for me! Still learning that one..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to see you buy into that crap. He is rationalizing his behavior and shifting the blame to you. "If you would not have done.....if only you would have done....." I would guess that if you had known at the time that he was unhappy about some aspect of your lives you would have changed something to improve the situation. He didn't give you the chance. He didn't tell you he was not happy. He just bought into his own rationalization and justified cheating.

He didn't even give you the courtesy of letting you know his needs were not being met. Instead, he just decided to create his own happiness, decided that he "deserved" to have whatever it was that he wanted to satisfy his own selfish desires. He granted himself permission to go outside of your marriage to get what he wanted all under the guise of being "neglected" and by accepting his lame excuse for his behavior with other women, you are giving credence to his argument.

It works. It shuts you up because you feel guilty that it might be true. It lets you assume the guilt that he doesn't want to accept. I know that many times I wasn't *there* for my H. I was up fixing breakfast for the family at 6am even though I was up all night with a colicky baby. I was taking children to baseball practice, ballet classes, doctor and dentist appointments. I was putting kids to bed, getting them up, dressed and out the door to school, church, and other various activties. I was buying Christmas gifts, planning birthday parties, vacations (which I took children on alone because H wouldn't ask for time off) doing laundry, cleaning house, cooking meals all while working a part time job so we could have insurance.

I had no help from H. He would rather work at his job so he had an excuse to not come home until the kids had been fed and bathed, ready for bed. And no, I was not in the mood for a romantic night at that point. I was a married, single parent and was very lonely too but, it never occured to me to be so self indulgent as to cheat.

Hindsight is 20/20. You made the best decisions you were capable of making back in the day. Stop beating yourself up. It takes both parties to make a successful relationship. Stop buying that nonsense. It was his choice to do what he did and that is all on him.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 746 | Registered: Apr 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um....are you in my head?? lol!Exactly my thought!

Yet, he has been so wonderful. To the point where I wonder if it is a bit of an act. He has been unreal. I sort of feel guilty for doubting his kindness.

I sometime feel I am such in a f... mess. to allow myself to forgive and move on I keep reminding myself that I was not a very good wife to him, put my children first, job the whole life thing. Regardless, he did not have to do what he did, and what hurts also is that he kept it from me for so long. He lied to me for so long.

All of this is EXACTLY what I am going through, thinking, feeling. It feels so good to know i'm not alone.

As you can see I have no advice...just that I'm struggling too!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he is there for me. BUt he does repeatedly say YOU HURT ME SO MUCH" referring to that I was not there for him! Other than that he is there for me. He takes full responsibility, however, when the subject comes up, it never fails, he mentions that I was not there for him.

Topper beat me to it...but yes...yes...yes...I so relate!
I think that even when they SAY "I know it was my fault, etc. etc. " they still occasionally BRING UP the other stuff.


My guilt has messed with me a bit, definitely. Mine was a mistake made at the beginning of our relationship (untruths about my past- pre M, and then trying to protect the lie at various times during our relationship. Whatever my rationalization was at the time, it caused him a lot of pain and doubt for 15 years. I had to acknowledge that, and I am okay with it.
I was so torn, because I couldn't feel guilty for what I did, and be mad at him at the same time. Well, thats how I felt anyway.
But the less I tried to fight "my part" in it, the more clear it became. And now I am back on a little bit of solid ground with that.

He cheated. He made those choices...COUNTLESS choices over and over again from day to day. EAch text, each call, each kiss on my cheek as he went to her, walking into her house, lying to our kids about where he was, sweet nothings in HER EAR, kissing her...etc etc etc. THOUSANDS OF DECISIONS TO BETRAY ME AT EVERY SINGLE SECOND for the whole time.

Yah...my guilt started to pale in comparison again. I do not doubt that our problems pre A had an impact on why he cheated- that was the excuse he gave himself, so therefore, it was a contributing factor.
We are still working on this area, and are only three months into R, so we definitely have a ways to go. But the last 2 weeks I was a mess with my OWN guilt. I am much better with it now. And you will be too. Just really really think about it for awhile.
And the other lesson I learned? I cannot fix it ALL right now
There is just too much. So I have decided to work on it in baby steps. One little concern or issue at a time.
It has helped for the past few days.

Ill let you know how I feel in 5-10 minutes when my emotions change all over again.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will be home soon, and I have had a F.. horrible day with these thoughts. Don't want to bring drama into our evening, I find that hard as well. Can't pretend I'm fine, cause I am not. Don't want to argue, cry ...

So, I watch a movie to set the mind off. Such hell to live. I am patiently waiting to get up one morning and say "THIS IS IT" I NO LONGER AM ACHING".


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 195 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Topic Posts: 9

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