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User Topic: Full disclosure coming tomorrow
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone gotten full disclosure in writing months after d-day? I'm curious how it went, how you felt, how it set you back. We've been in false R I believe up until a couple of weeks ago. He didn't continue the A, but there was lots of TT and broken NC that was not reported...he works with her, so that is inevitable and he'd rather stick a fork in his eye than bring up her name to me, but I think he's starting to understand the importance, but who really knows. Anyway, he's promised full disclosure in writing, he's going to leave it for me in the morning, I will read it after I get the kids on the bus. I know it's going to start a shit storm, and I'm nervous.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a very positive step for you both, even though it will most likely raise a lot of questions and emotions. But honestly, you cannot be expected to move forward until full disclosure has been made...it's just impossible to do otherwise.

I also have please to see he's doing it in writing so you have a solid thing to revisit when you need to ask more questions.

Go slow


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197943 | Registered: May 2002
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OldCow
I can only offer support. I hope he is honest this time. Allow yourself time to take it in. I hope he comes home and comforts you however you see fit, or leaves you alone if that is what you need. Id take your own pen and paper and write down the questions you have as you read it, if he is serious he will sit with you later on and answer them for you. Hugs and love.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a feeling I won't be in any shape to talk directly with him after. I told him I would give him any questions I had back in writing and he will respond again.

I know I can't move forward without the truth, the last 4 months have done more damage and it pisses me off to no end that I could have 4 positive months of healing behind me in this marathon, but instead this disclosure puts me at day one, but that is better than being in false R, I get that, but I'm terrified of feeling as devastated as I did back in June.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember Joseph's Letter?

The puzzle -- his A, his FOO, his lack of boundaries, his poor choices -- are already in place.

Tomorrow you just get a few more pieces of the puzzle; you get to see things a little more clearly. Don't "borrow trouble."

Say the Serenity Prayer today and get a good night's sleep.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully yours is more real than of my WH's attempts. I repeatedly would get myself ready, for NOTHING. He's give me a drop of the bucket full of lies he was still holding on to.

Just be gentle with yourself - no matter what happens. I have had so many days where more and more BIG info came out, I stopped counting. It does set you back but maybe not as much as you'd think. I still got some newly after Dday every-time like the mind movies would return and so would my twitch and my flinching. But every one had me processing through it faster and faster.

((((((Hugs and strength)))))))


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why In writing? Is this at your request? If so I too hope you get what you need. However it seems this is not a good foundation for open honest communications which will set you on the road to healing. He should be man enough to tell you in person. I see it as a sign that he might be trying to get out the easy way, and there is no easy way out. Especially after he discloses to you.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you today, OC.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8727 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got it. It definitely raises more questions, but also puts some insanity I was feeling to rest. Things didn't add up before, but they are starting to. I will hunker down today to get my list of questions for him.

Although I am shaking like a leaf, I feel strangely numb right now. As it sinks in and I process it all I suppose I will figure out if this helps R or helps D, at the moment I don't know.

Cantgetup, I requested it all be in writing. We communicate much better that way.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Writing is a way of him having to think about HOW he wants to word things rather than in a muddled up situation that might make things worse.

MC tell u to write things out.

I have just given my H a 7 page questionnaire (as I like to call it lol) with all the questions I need answers to.

Im looking fwd to getting it back because even tho what is written in it might hurt like hell and will more than likely make me cry buckets... its because I need to know to be able to move on.

And when im having a shit day, I can look back at the answers and know why he did what he did, and WHY he chose me !!!

That's one of the big questions I asked ....

Why did you chose me?
What do you love about me?


I will need to read those bits over and over again!

So good for you, I really hope u get all the answers you DESERVE!

Big Hugs!!


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 2012
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our posts crossed ....

Im so glad its helped you and that you have other questions to those answers he gave you.

Your getting there, your getting what YOU need to move on ...

Onwards and upwards! Xx


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 2012
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((OldCow)))) Sending you strength as you work through writing your questions for him.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25508 | Registered: Aug 2011
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see you already got yours, OldCow18; I got the full disclosure 6 months after DDay 1 (this was agreed upon due to other massive things affecting our family's overall wellbeing, not because FWH was trying to drag his feet).

I think it was 16 pages long. Writing was recommended by his IC and our MCs as it would enable him to recall details better as a lot of what had happened occurred many years before. Also, I suppose if one is really good at compartmentalizing, that may make it easier to 'forget' salient details.

The magnitude of it all blew me away; I thought I'd braced myself, but I was expecting a severe thunderstorm, not a cat5 hurricane.

That said, it was critical to get it all out there. Like DS said, having it in writing to revisit was important too. Being able to re-read it not only gave me a reference point for further questions, but also helped really underscore that this was really REAL.

The questions won't all come at once; I hope your FWH is like mine was, and freely and without any negativity (despite the way some questions may've been asked... ) answered them all.

You'll get through this, but it will take time to process the new details. (((OldCow18)))


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found this thread after reading your post about the luncheon.

I just wanted to say that I am glad you got the written account. I am sure it will help.

I'm still waiting for mine...... 22 months later.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 774 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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