Well…a new day and same stupid stuff.
He decided not to study last night, and to watch tv with me for an hour or so last night. We fell asleep around 9pm (tv has auto turn off at 12). I woke up at about 12:30. I woke because the tv was on and guess what…he is up and on the ipad. I end up sweaty and heart racing when I see it. It was him studying, but the fact it was the middle of the night and he is on the computer is STILL a huge f’ing trigger and he damn well knows this because I HAVE TOLD HIM SO MANY TIMES. Yet, he continues to do this. He doesn't even apologize for it.
I got out of bed as I saw the lights in other room were still on. So I went to turn them off. He gets up and proceeds to go to the kitchen to clean (half-assed) until I go back to bed. He goes right off to sleep. Me, I am up. Still sweaty, still heart pounding. After trying to go back to sleep for an hour, I got back up. I ‘finished’ cleaning up the kitchen, then went into other room to watch tv until about 330. (It is still my nature to be considerate and not watch tv in the room he is sleeping in.) Then back to bed and finally fell back asleep until 6:30.
This morning he tried to be all ‘clingy’ with me, but really…my head was/is pounding from the stress, and broken sleep patterns of a week now, to really respond to him. Not to mention the surge in stress at work at the moment too. He knows it our fiscal time of year as well. He asked if I want to go to dinner tomorrow. I said ok. But then he was…"ok so just let me know where you want to go." He then went back to bed as I got ready for work. Again, it is left to me to make the decision about things. I want him to pick up the reins, take the initiative, make a decision, show some REAL attention to me and our M. Yes, I have written that in my list of needs. He started doing that last year when he was actively trying to save our M, now its only after I get upset and it is a half-hearted attempt at best. Now, I really am not sure I want to go. I’m not even sure I really want to go home after work today. I’m just feeling so disconnected right now from him. His non-action is threatening to send me back into a place I do not want to go back to.
Now that I am finally off any ADs, I think I am seeing clearly what was being glossed over by them in my system. He is up in the middle of the night studying, he is taking all these hours away from me studying, he is working, but has had absolutely no time yet to open a damn book I gave him to help me heal. Takes no initiative to make me feel safe/secure. I feel like just burning the damn books and packing my bags.
Sorry for the rant…sleep deprivation is really getting the better of me today. Because today, I am ready to throw in the towel on the whole thing and just be done with it. I can't even look at him. So I am trying to stay completely detached as I know that it is the deprivation that is in control at the moment.