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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: And it finally happened....
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost three years since the A began (late October 2010), DDay in January 2011, D in late April 2011, always justifying their relationship, and TONIGHT he finally needs to talk to me, I'm the only one he can talk to, he's so sorry for everything, he know it's too little too late, but he needs to talk to me....tomorrow. (eta: we don't talk - haven't spoken in WELL over a year, closer to two - we have no children together)

AYFKM?

The morbid curiosity is actually causing me to consider a conversation. Yes, I know I will get many 2x4's for that, but I may just to hear what's up. I figured he either has marriage issues or he got arrested (I have many law enforcement contacts). His texts are leaning towards the former. I won't get entangled even if I do talk to him.

Any experience with this? Please feel free to 2x4 as appropriate.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:57 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4364 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's drunk.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1086 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's drunk
Well, there is that, lol, but that's a constant with him, so there's a bit more to it. Now, will that change his reaction tomorrow? Possibly...lol.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4364 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would be curious too. You're far enough out to know what the deal is with him and not get sucked in.
Since you posted this, do an update.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you posted this, do an update
Oh, definitely. I would never not post this type of thing here - it's the best resource I have.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4364 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
heartbroken30
♀ Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just happened to me a few months ago. After 6 years, he needed to talk to me (we talk often about the kids but that's about it). So he tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he still loves me, had never gotten over me, so sorry for all he has done to hurt me.

My reaction was not what I had thought it would be. I thought I would be feeling like, ha! Serves you right, f--- you. But i didn't feel that way at all. I was more sad than anything else. Sad for our kids, sad for the breakup of our family. There is no way I would ever go back to him, too much has happened between us and besides, I'm not the same girl I used to be.

Good luck persevere. The curiosity is sometimes too much to resist.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whats the chance of him working a 12 step program or having a come to Jesus type epiphany?

Short of the above, its probably not good. But I understand your curiosity.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...my ex came crying when his boyfriend cheated on him. "This is karma!! Now I know how you felt!". I flipped my lid when I heard, "Now I know how you felt!" Your boyfriend sexting someone else does not equal a 17 year relationship, 2 kids, multiple moves, 10 houses, retirement THEN finding out your spouse is gay and cheating on you for most of the marriage.

He shut up after that. I can't say it "helped" me, it more just showed me how completely clueless he is about what he did to me.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. Mine had this epiphany about 18 months after we were divorced. He said "I know what you need. I can be a good husband to you."

Yeah, fuck him - if he didn't get it after 17 years of marriage, I don't need it.

It really upset me. The conversation ended when I walked into the house and left him lying in my driveway sobbing.

This chick ain't nobody's Plan B.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do it. I am thinking he is sniffing around to see if you'll be a plan B.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morbid curiosity / curiosity killed the cat.

Whilst I do understand the morbid curiosity I would remind myself that I won't get any answers from that guy because he doesn't have them. I don't know this stranger and he knows himself even less.

I suggest you sit down and write out exactly WHAT you are curious about.

I would not give him an opportunity to express anything to me.

I would not give him a chance to throw a new hook at me.

There is no upside here. IMO no good can come of this.

If you wrote out a pros/cons list it would be obvious that NO is the answer here. Even the best-case scenario has ZERO upside for me.

That would be a no for me. Make that a Hell.No.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5383 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah yes, the cyclical alcoholically induced "Bring thee to the mountain" chat.

Cuz I've had, I dunno 3 or 9 conversations like this with Rico, let me share how this little meet up will go.

He will use the word "I" at least 934 times and YOU will NEVER factor into the conversation.

You will not be asked what you are feeling, only what you think he should do.

He will unleash emotions in you that your "closer to two years" of NC has softly let heal.

You will watch him unravel and then start questioning why you wasted so many years with him in the first place, unleashing those most evil monsters called shame and contempt onto yourself.

And, yes, you will get entangled because at the root of the reason for this conversation, you are his "go-to-no-one-knows-me-better-than-her" soft place to land. His to catch and then release. Again.

You will leave that meeting upset that you lost an hour of your life you'll never get back.

But hey, don't listen to me. Pet the drama llama and come back and tell us what happened.

Or, save your sanity. And your pride.

Your choice.


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 8:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh; I so agree with AJsmom, but my curiosity would get the better of me too. I have actually had a few of these convos via phone. Luckily, they just leave me shaking my head. I've stopped feeling sympathy for him, and my empathy stops at 'There but for the grace of god go I' However, face-to-face? I'm not sure I could do it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19765 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've moved on and done a nice job of healing.

Tell him to talk to his wife.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17098 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a couple of these with my X. I didn't feel like it set me back or anything like that. I just felt like he is still struggling but doesn't get that he caused it all. I just shake my head after these little "confessionals" or whatever you call them.

ajsmom is right about it all STILL and ALWAYS being about them. They are lost and maybe in the dark recesses of their minds they know that it's all because of their own actions. But because they cannot come to terms with that fact they look to you for advice and redemption.

BTDT, but even if he called me tomorrow, I would still listen to him. It doesn't cost me anything and reinforces how much better I have survived this trauma than him.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Aug 2005
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id listen to it but I would not go out of my way or wagging my tail to make sure you are available at any given sec to listen.

my ex did this too. it took after I was remarried, and 3 yrs after divorce. he had just had his heart broken and by his email it was about 3am. he said things I needed to hear. way late, but it was indeed healing for me. Im not going back to him. omg never. but i spent nearly a decade w him and we have kids. the least he could have was an epiphany and say sorry. whether or not he meant it is another thing. it took me yrs to get over him and by the time he said it I was like, good. you get it a little bit. and you bet when he said oh my heart is broken, I turned around and said- now imagine you married that girl she cheated on you and you had kids w her and you watched her cheat over and over? cause the pain you have now is NOTHING like what I went thru. but I appreciate you apologizing.

I dont love fighting unless its warranted. if you dont have kids, then I cant see why you would need to fight over much. i would listen to what it is, either by phone or email and then keep moving on.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 677 | Registered: Mar 2008
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2x4 no way! He wants a favor? Well that's too bad.
He needs a friend? Um no you're not interested in being an OW in an emotional affair. See ya, bye.
He wants to apologize for his behavior to you? Ok tell him to email you. Then you get to decide if you want to read it or not. And, just because he sent it does not guarantee him a response from you.
He needs advice? Tell him to find a therapist or counselor.

You're the ONLY one he can talk to? Wow I find that hard to believe.

Or just 100% ignore him, do not respond at all.


Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would totally have to go. And if you are where you say you are, i think it could be awesome to see him with distance and perspective. (and no rose colored glasses)
You aren't the same girl, you wont fall for the same lines.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Persevere, if you are curious enough to entertain this, it is going to affect you more than you realize. Keep up NC, and imagine whatever scenario brings you peace. This won’t quench your curiosity; it is purely a manipulation. You will only end up with more questions and frustration if you allow him back into your life, even in such a limited capacity.

Posts: 3237 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still get those phone calls "I still love you B4me" and I let them go to voice mail and I NEVER return the call. He's stopped by my house a couple of times when I wasn't home (I didn't know I had friendly spies in the neighborhood until they told me this). I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear what he says. I wouldn't even be curious as to what he needed to talk to me about. I. Just. Don't. Care.

But that's me...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 28
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