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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: And it finally happened....
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know yourself best and how breaking NC might affect you and if it is worth it to have a taste of who this person is now so many years later.

I would probably do this if my XH called. There is a good chance I will never hear from him again, he's a very withdrawn type and doesn't try to pull me into drama. I would be curious. I might feel upset for a few days, or I might not. I would process it through and move on again. It wouldn't kill me, it wouldn't wreck me, it would show me exactly where I am at.

But you know you and you know your X better than anyone.

Just be prepared to cut it off abruptly if he wants to complain about stuff you don't want to listen too.

Remember you have a right to cut the conversation off anytime you want.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the experienced advice, and I plan to keep it very limited - phone call only - and one conversation.

And no more.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh.. geez....

If I'm being honest - I've hoped to get a message like that from my ex ever since this journey began.

When we were still 'working on our marriage' and I didn't realize he was still in the A, we had some conversations like this but it always left me feeling, empty. Why? Because I never got what I really wanted from him. Anytime I would go to him with a feeling, a longing or something I thought only he could provide, he left me feeling even less whole then when I started. Does that make sense? I would just be more frustrated because he didn't 'get it' and clearly never would.

There is a part of you that will feel satisfied in someway, that yes, you were right, he did make the biggest mistake of his life. But, it won't make you feel as satisfied as you thought, like others said, you'll end up feeling sad, for them, your family, your healing, all of it. It will reopen old wounds and make you question so much. I dont think it will take you back to ground zero, but it won't be easy. In short, if it's closure you're looking for, you won't get it from him because he isn't emotionally stable. This isn't about you being cruel either, it's the truth that no one can fix him but himself. The cheating spouse is broken in a way that you cannot heal and are not responsible for - it's hard for them to see that.

Having said that, if I got a message from my X like that, against my own better judgement I would go. What can I say, it's still hard to separate all that and maybe a part of me would want to confirm that it was a mistake and that I did move in the best way I could. I would lie to myself and say it's because I'm a bigger person and all about 'light and love' moving forward, forgiving people and sending them on their way, no hard feelings. But the truth would be that love is hard to shut off and I would want to see him, no matter how painful. I wouldn't go back to the way things were, of course, but I wouldn't be able to say no to a meeting.

No matter what happens, good luck! We are behind you and please keep us posted. If you do meet with him, remember who you are, how far you've come and that he's simply a broken person that you cannot fix. It may be hard to bounce back from the meeting - know going into it, it will unleash old pain and feelings, but you will bounce back. Good luck!

Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even a year ago, I wouldn't have met with my ex if he asked to talk. But now...yeah, I probably would out of curiosity. And bitchiness. I know it would drive wifetress nuts if she found out I was alone with ex for any length of time.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only echo what AJ said so well.

My X is a champion of this. Curiosity used to get me. I had to touch that hot stove several times. It seemed cathartic in the moment but it really isn't.

Ultimately the supposed realization isn't very deep. It just raises those old questions all over again. Its a new bruise.

Let us know how it goes. These things are so tough to say 'no' to.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
♂ New Member
Member # 38468
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tough situation that only you know how best to handle for yourself.

Have not been through this myself, but can imagine my reaction.

I would pass.

Hard to imagine what benefit can come out of having the conversation.

BS - 48
DS21 - College Student
DD19 - College Student

Status - Divorced 3/2013

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Minnesota
♀ Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't talked to X in years and no kids either. He is married to OW. The closest I got to this was an email last year on what would have been our 21st anniversary: Don't know if this is your email address but "I'm Sorry"

Friends and family said no response but I didn't listen. I wrote back.: I don't know if you're being sentimental or just plain mental. After all you have put me through I can assure you that it will never be forgotten, ffixed or forgiven. If I were ever to run into you, I would probably punch you in the face.

Haven't heard from him since.

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Gotta admit I'm curious what the phone call revealed...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 28
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