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User Topic: To open that box?
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to post this in reconciliation because I believe that is where we are, but I think I will end up ranting about marriedOW....

There is a lot of change afoot for us right now. We are moving house, and that is a good thing. I didn't realize how much pain was wrapped up in this house. None of the A physically took place here. I saw different rooms in some of the sexts he sent her, but they were never physically in my home. She has never been in my home.

But he left me in this house. When he left me and went to her, he did it here. He was still present, but he was mean, distant, volatile, etc. in this house. He would say he never left us, but he did.

And moving to this house really laid the groundwork for his A. Made it logistically possible, and got us on marriedOW's radar as prospective affair partner #Infiniti. (I do not know the number of As that she has had, but I sense that most men are prospective affair partners to her.)

Fast forward to today- in the middle of A season and we are moving. We are doing this for all of us, but I sense that our new house is really about me on some level. WH is trying to make choices that consider me on a level that is unknown for him.

So to the box. There is a box. It is a real physical box. WH is good at compartmentalizing, but I am not, so this is a literal box. A box of things from the marriedOW. I boxed it in the wee hours of d day and put it where the sun doesn't shine. My Christmas gifts from d day that they purchased on their last romantic trip together, and she mailed to our home. A handmade item that marriedOW sent to my WH. A book and several other items which she sent him.

I could just move that f'ing box. I could open it and get the things that I might want. I could un/ ceremoniously dump it all. I could burn it all. I could sell some of it off on ebay or local markets. There are several things that I might want, but I am not sure the triggers are worth it. But I wonder if I would really trigger. (I do great when faced with her gifts to our children; I got rid of most of them but a few were too hard to pull from them without explanation. Overexposure therapy.)

What do you think about the box? It is A season and move coincides with 2 years from their last visit. And I am right now at one year from broken no contact. I am volatile.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the "burn it all" camp. I know it's probably tempting to test yourself to see if you can get see those things with indifference, but I think it's time to take out the trash. Clean sweep!


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you tell your H that this box is symbolic of the A and actually does have some literal A-related items in it, and then ask him if the two of you could be willing to ceremoniously burn it? It is never to be opened, only destroyed?


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 928 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm into self pain it seems. I would open it then burn it but I have issues.

On a side note - so jealous you get to move. I *HATE* my house. 3/4 of the rooms are tainted.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 759 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BURN BABY BURN

Posts: 931 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burn it!

I'm also jealous of your move. The OW was in my home (she was a friend) numerous times to visit me plus their relationship went physical in our house. I'm looking forward to the day I live in a home my husband hasn't had sex with another woman in.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 459 | Registered: Apr 2012
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burn the fucking box.

I did this when I found out about my wxh's A. I drug shit out of the house that I hated and tossed it on the pile.

It was very emotionally cleansing. That pile smoldered for 2 days.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 3:23 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7440 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DO NOT KEEP THAT BOX! Whether you open it and destroy individual items or simply burn the thing whole and roast marshmallows over it, it has to go.

Congratulations on the move, by the way. I hope that it helps further your R. Best of luck!


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Open it up, sell what you can, burn the rest. Take the money you make, buy something for you.

At least you will get something.

[This message edited by doubleboggy at 8:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

D Day: 3/31/13


Posts: 98 | Registered: Sep 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I vote trash. It isn't worth the ceremony of burning.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, what do you want to do with it?

ow gave my W innumerable pieces of crap, some of which she made herself. I basically made my W dump every piece herself. Some of the ow-made things had to be broken to fit into the trash bag. That was on and just after D-Day.

I vote for doing whatever gets you most in touch with your power.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have systematically burnt EVERYTHING that those sluts touched, except my WH and the children!

Each and every time I found something, in it went: cards, clothes, books, diaries pens, scarves, underwear, shirts, spices(don't ask)...EVERY THING.
When we moved this time I checked EVERY piece of paper, file, plastic wallet etc for any evidence. And so, I believe that this home is clean.

And I can breathe.

I recommend burning...the flames are warm and have a soporific effect. Best use of those horrendous trigger items!


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

+1 for burning! Or if it's stuff that people could use just dump the entire box off at a goodwill store.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1840 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We moved houses, and I did feel a tremendous relief after, just knowing that every memory I had in that house was somehow poisoned by the A. It was 'The House of Lies'. After D-day, we went through his office and the house and systematically removed everything that she had somehow touched or been associated with. I was stunned by how much there actually was, from concert t-shirts, to coffee cups, to candy for my kids, to a key to her house. Into the trash, because that's what it all was. However you get rid of it, I say just get rid of it. That's a box of poison you don't need to have around.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 774 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm into self pain it seems. I would open it then burn it but I have issues.
. Me too...

But I also like the idea of burning it together.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4747 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...just make sure it's safe to burn - nothing explosive or toxic inside and burned in a safe place....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the ideas. There must be a lot of SI members with fire pits out there. Burning does sound cathartic but dangerous as well.

And I do need to talk to my WH about it. I am not sure he knows the box still exists. I wonder about him coming across it in the pack. I am not sure I want him to do anything ceremonious with it and with me.

There are some nicely breakable things that I think I want to throw, so I may do that. But there is something to be said for not opening that box.

I feel very blessed for the chance to move as well. It is a lot of work and money. But feels good to leave this house where I cried and screamed and wasted so many hours before and after d day. Even if she never entered this house, they tainted it. There are so many reminders of long days and nights.

Thanks for your thoughts and words.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anything in the box that might bring joy to a needy total stranger? Maybe have a friend sort through for items to donate to a women's shelter. Also, if you do burn the box, please first confirm with H that he did not hide thousands of dollars for the new down payment in it thinking that it would be the last place anyone would ever look. I mean, R is tough enough already - - you don't need that too on top of things.

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh some breakables? Might be therapeutic to sledge hammer those


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4747 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uof burn that shit

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 23
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