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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: for better or worse?
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is this what I signed up for? When I vowed with all my heart for better or worse, richer or poorer, health or sickness....I believe in my vows. I honor them.

But I made a statement last night in anger to my H, " This isn't what I signed up for...I have been duped!" But, I didn't necessarily mean the A--see, when I met him he was awesome and happy and never let anything get him down, he made things happen, had honor, integrity, bravery...he never let on that he could be any other way. he never told me anything contrary. The only thing I knew going in was that he had ADD/HD which I accepted as fine and livable with...it was Ok for me...we had happy years before marriage, after marriage and then gradually he changed....a lot of it was due to life circumstances and health issues....but overall he isn't happy and positive and anything like the person I dated or married. He admits that he has changed....

So I was mad thinking it was unfair that the person I agreed to marry is gone. But I guess that is what I DID sign up for??? Better or Worse.

I asked this once before of someone in real life and their response to me was, well I am sure YOU have changed too....but when I take a hard look at myself I HAVEN'T changed. I actually look the same as on my wedding day, same dress size, same everything. My H said to me once that I have changed...that I am now more snappy and yell more....perhaps, but I wonder why??? None of my belief system has changed though--I do not NOW have a different moral compass than I when I married.

and then in terms of the A....so I guess its for better or worse. Perhaps its not a good reason to abandon the marriage??? Is this what I agreed to on the wedding day???


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps its not a good reason to abandon the marriage??? Is this what I agreed to on the wedding day???

No, it isn't. See... you didn't have all of the information when you got married. Those vows, they are great, but if someone had whispered in your ear on your wedding day and said:

"I just traveled back in time from the future. Your soon to be husband will turn into a moody, withdrawn, angry person who is no fun to be around. Oh, and he's going to cheat on you, too."

Would you have even gone through with the wedding?

Probably not.

For me, the "for better or worse" thing is about things that you can't control in the marriage, like your spouse getting cancer or a child dying in a car accident, or losing the house to a fire, those kinds of things. It doesn't include things where one spouse purposely hurts the other, and an A hurts more than just about any other thing I can think of.

And yes, people change. Their needs change. Their attitudes change. And their relationships change. That is just going to happen. Not much that you can do about that piece.

I believe in my vows. I honor them.

So do I. I honor them by being faithful. I honor them by being the best husband and father I can be. But your H didn't. He broke his. He didn't uphold his end of the bargain. Marriage is a contract, an agreement between two people. It has certain rules, vows, to be upheld. When they are broken, then the agreement is broken with it.

Do not think of it as 'abandoning' the marriage. He did that. Not you. He broke his vows. Not you. Perhaps you are just taking a broken contract to it's rightful conclusion.

That being said, just because the 1st contract was broken, doesn't mean you can't write another one. Just make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if I can quote on my phone but this:

"For me, the "for better or worse" thing is about things that you can't control in the marriage, like your spouse getting cancer or a child dying in a car accident, or losing the house to a fire, those kinds of things. It doesn't include things where one spouse purposely hurts the other, and an A hurts more than just about any other thing I can think of."

is exactly how I feel.

[This message edited by AML04 at 8:48 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is EXACTLY what happened to us. Except now, he has "changed back". He finally sees what he became and is determined never to be that person again.

I told him I will fight for this guy bc he is the one I married.....but NOT for the other one. I don't think it's fair to expect me (or you) to stay married to someone who doesn't even remotely resemble the person we took vows with. It's like bait and switch.

Good luck. I'm hoping he has an epiphany.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i feel the exact same way as you do. i really do. at times, i also feel duped. like i didnt sign up for any of this. had i known that my h would cheat on me and become a substance abuser, no...i would have never married him. never.

the sad thing is that i cant say that my h changed. i think that deep down he has always had these serious issues....and just never got help...never grew up. he was just a painfully immature man....who i think got married and wasnt ready for everything that marriage entailed....because of his issues. and then eventually he acted out....like a child...and destroyed our lives for some side sex.

i think what has changed is the man he is now. i dont want the one who i married.

what i find annoying sometimes is like you i am the same. same dress size from wedding day....same personality. yes, i have grown in a lot of ways, i am by no means perfect...but at the end of the day....i still didnt cheat on him repeatedly with another man.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 956 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 6

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