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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When to stop checking?
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 years out here, the serious digging, snooping, checking ended around 1year. Still snooped quite a bit for another year. The thing is when you see the changes in your spouse, and things start to reach a new normal, the need, the urge to snoop goes away. Do I still look, yup occasionally but nothing that is over the top, or seems weird.
I can tell you that when he is having a tough time with work, he will become distant, and that results in me getting uneasy, and I will check things. I am 99% certain nothing is going on, but hey if it eases my mind why not.

If she is saying she feels like she is being baby sat, or complaining in any way, that would make my red flag go right up. He has not cared one iota, and gets why I have to sometimes. It's just the new normal of our M. If she is getting ancy about it, you may need to pay even closer attention to things.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♂ Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once bitten, twice shy!

I dream of the day when I don't feel like I need to check. I NEED that day, but it isn't here yet. 9 months and that day isn't anywhere near. My WW has been very good about it, except when I point blank ask her if she's heard from, talked to, seen, or anything with anybody she shouldn't. Then she says it hurts her when I ask. She should have thought about the hurt when she had sex with someone that wasn't me, her husband, and sexted to multiple others. The day I don't snoop or check up on her is the day I,I,I,I feel it's no longer needed.

dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 35216
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will stop checking when YOU feel ready. Honestly, if my husband asked me to stop checking for me that would be a red flag.

We are so comfortable with it, that I have a funny story... my FWH opened another email account for a hockey pool. He asked my permission and gave me the passwords. we did it together. The other day he was trying to log in, he called out to me...what's my password for the email again? I yelled it back. Obviously I knew because I had been logging in. Meh, it's a small price to pay to get your family back....My FWH doesn't mind at all. He even has me go into his email to find stuff all the time.

Married for 10 yrs, together 15
Me, BW - 37
Him, fWH- 40
3 kids
D-Day; Dec 13, 2011, TT and lies and lies and lies and lies
Back in R

Posts: 403 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhurt, I can relate to your story from the other side. About half the sites I visit that require a password, my H set up for me. The rest, I gave to him. I had to change my Yahoo password (they were bugging the crap out of me about it) and I immediately told him what it was. And most sites I stay logged in anyway so no real need to remember the password anyway.

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking on XWH was a daily, hourly thing. I was obsessed. I tried to stop, but it was like a drug addiction. I am 3-1/2 yrs out and recently divorced. I quit checking when I realized the LTA was a dealbreaker.

Stop when YOU feel it is the right thing to do. Just don't let it consume you, like it did me.

((hugs)) everyone

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW gets angry when I check but she doesn't want to R at all. I stopped checking just because it was too much effort since she doesn't want to R

Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that you stop checking when you start forgetting to check. When checking no longer matters.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 27
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