Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: steamingpile (44723)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Always in need of advice from SI
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



This is long so I apologize in advance. Maybe this should go in general I am not sure....It occasionally hits me that this is real life. I can go about my day and actually be happy but then something triggers me and I am upset again about being cheated on and then being left. That the man I married and called my husband and best friend will not be a part of my everyday life anymore. I want that back. But I don’t want him back. Or at least the man he has become.

Last week when he dropped off the kids, he put them to bed while I was at a class. For the third week in a row he was sitting on the couch watching tv when I came home and was very chatty. He was being sweet and flirty. He tried again to be touchy and sexual but I stopped him saying “I want to but I know what will happen tomorrow, nothing” So he understood but still stayed to talk about life. He smelled nice and looked good so I made a comment that he must of done that for me and he laughed and said he did. Finally I told him it would be best if he left. Before I had gotten home I had every intention of telling him to take his stuff (that I had already packed up) and to file for divorce asap. But then I was caught up in him.

I want my husband back. I want him to want to be a better man for his family. He seems VERY confused. I know I cannot love him back or make him come back. I want to be stronger and hand him divorce papers and tell him to take his stuff. I have it packed and I have the papers printed out. Tonight is his night with the kids so he will be at the house when I get home from my class.

Please help me be strong or give me some talking points. Should I continue to leave it alone? He does seem confused. One day he says he wants a divorce and I am telling him he cannot give me mixed signals anymore. The next day he is flirty and being touchy and loving. I always have the best intentions but then he turns my heart to mush when I see him. I just want this all to be over asap in whatever direction it is supposed to go.

I do not want a long drawn out divorce. I would ultimately like a mediator. We have a custody plan that works for us and we both agree to. He is giving me any money I need. He tells me he will give me whatever I want. I do not forsee him taking money or wanting more time with the kids. I obv have a lawyer in my back pocket. Has anyone had a civil divorce?


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can go about my day and actually be happy but then something triggers me and I am upset again about being cheated on and then being left. That the man I married and called my husband and best friend will not be a part of my everyday life anymore. I want that back. But I don’t want him back. Or at least the man he has become.
We have all felt that way, you're not alone.


Last week when he dropped off the kids, he put them to bed while I was at a class. For the third week in a row he was sitting on the couch watching tv when I came home and was very chatty.
Why is this man in your house when you're not home. This man is not your friend and should not be left alone with your belongings when you aren't there. Set some boundaries.

He was being sweet and flirty. He tried again to be touchy and sexual but I stopped him saying “I want to but I know what will happen tomorrow, nothing” So he understood but still stayed to talk about life. He smelled nice and looked good so I made a comment that he must of done that for me and he laughed and said he did.
He's cake-eating, and fishing. He'll keep you hanging on as long as you let him. Set some boundaries.

He does seem confused. One day he says he wants a divorce and I am telling him he cannot give me mixed signals anymore. The next day he is flirty and being touchy and loving..
Again, it's called fence-sitting, cake-eating, or whatever you want to call it. He's trying to keep you hanging on while he goes out and does whomever or whatever he wants to do. Protect yourself and talk to a lawyer. This man does not have your best interests at heart.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3314 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need to set boundaries. That is what I am having difficulties with. As far as him being in my house without me, I have no other option.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH doesn't sound confused at all. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is cake eating. He is doing enough to keep you on the hook so you won't file and he can keep doing what he wants. He wants you wiaitng in the background as a back up plan.

I had a "civil" D. I went and had the property settlement agreement drawn up along with the 50/50 custody papers while my STBX was being nice. If he is cooperating you may want to get things drawn up and present them to him now while he is being "nice". I got everything I wanted. also remember how you feel is likely NOT how you will feel 5 years from now so listen to your lawyer and leave emotion out of it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I at last accepted the the way back is not the way home, it was a melancholy moment though a moment of clarity.

I wanted something I could not have - what was. And. I was not going to get what I wanted.

You can go forward, perhaps with him, perhaps not.

For me, there was no going back.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 7yrs-- get out while he's still being "nice," especially if there isn't one definitive OW on the scene who might influence him. If I hadn't moved as quickly as I did, I'm pretty sure that any shreds of guilt my XWH had would have disappeared quickly, and he wouldn't have been as open to negotiating with me during mediation. Furthermore, things with the OW weren't set in stone yet, so she wasn't yet whispering in his ear.

So, use his guilt and his state of being nice against him. Make an appointment with a mediator; if he doesn't show up, then file for D. Mine would have been happy with cake eating as well, but that wasn't good for me, and it's not good for you.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Oct 2011
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with the others - he is cake-eating. He'll take the status quo - no commitment, no hard work, no self-reflection, no remorse, even some nookie now and again -- if you let him.

Indulging this selfish version of your once husband - will not bring back the man you loved. What it will do - is prolong the pain.

My 2cents.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay so I did it.... I printed out a joint petition for divorce and signed my half and gave it to him. I told him that I assume there is a lot more he needs to acquire if divorce is what he wants but I have signed my half of this joint petition so that we can be the best parents for our children. If this is what he wants, he can do what he needs to do with this.

I have no idea what else he needs to file for divorce but that is on him. I would work through our marriage but since that is not what he wants, I just want this to be over.

Again, I know you all will stress having a lawyer. I have one in my back pocket if necessary. For now, I would like mediation. He is offering everything but the marriage right now.

Oh ps he just stared at the paper and did not say one word. 10 min of silence and he asked if I needed anything as he got up to leave.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That took guts. Good for you. Don't allow him to continue the same path he has been on where you are concerned. Let him self destruct, if that's his choice, but be glad you're not willing to do the same. He'll either wake up or he won't. Be prepared for either scenario. Hugs to you. We all know how hard that was for you to do. Not what you want but it's what you must do for self preservation.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you lifeisbroken.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
monarchwings
♀ Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree great courage and no matter the outcome, you will always look back and be proud of yourself. I agree for it while the guilt is there. You read so. many stories of the spouses who have zero guilt. Mine felt guilt too. He could have been a much bigger dick. I have seen that side of him. Divorce sucks ass but being in a bad unhealthy relationship is worse. I am having a hard time starting over, but I when he starts being an ass, at least I can hang up and it shuts off. I dont have to live or sleep with that ass anymore. Usually I hang up thinking..so glad I am not married to that BS anymore. Especially the half truths that are really just lies. Sending more courage your way...

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.