I feel like I need a safe place to vent my feelings about what's happened with 1DH (as well as with my past childhood traumas), and then talk about why I feel this way. I was hoping the IC would then discuss this with me and help me by telling me HOW I can move past these feelings in order to heal.
Right now mt feelings are currently very angry. So far the IC has told me that my anger is unfounded because I need to realize that it's all in the past, and to just "move past it". He said the reason I can't "move past it" is because I have control issues. When I asked him how I should go about "moving past it", he couldn't tell me. He stated that it's all in my own head, and that it's up to me to let it all go. No exercises to work through, no deep thinking into why I can't let it go, just that I need to DO IT and not look back.
During our MC session last week, I started by talking about my issues -- that I can't find a way to move past the anger, that I have a lot of anxiety and fear since 1DH has many repeated offenses, and that I've had low self esteem/insecurity issues. Then I started to discuss WHY I feel these things, and my anger, anxiety, and fear I believe are directly related to 1DH and what he's done. The MC absolutely flipped out on me! He said that my response to learning about yet *another* woman recently that 1DH had an inappropriate relationship with (a female coworker whom he had very sexually undertoned conversations with) was unfounded because "plenty of men and women flirt in the workplace. Most men and women have a work husband or work wife, so you can't expect 1DH not to have those kinds of relationships, too!" I was floored! No offense, but I don't care about every other marriage or relationship, I only care about mine! And I feel that he disrespected my comfort level by having inappropriate conversations with a female coworker whom I knew nothing about, especially since he's actually had physical affairs with other women before!!! The IC was absolutely livid with me because I told him that's one of the things I was angry about -- that these things have all happened, that I keep finding out about more things, and that makes me very fearful/anxious that he'll do it again, especially since he still works with that female coworker. The IC said that if it happened pre-DDay (which it turns out he's had this inappropriate relationship with her for over a year, but hasn't spoken a lot to her since DDay), then I have no right to be angry and that holding onto anger won't do me any good, to just let it go. I became very defensive with his answers and kept asking him HOW DO I DO THAT, to which he either couldn't or wouldn't tell me.
The IC then told 1DH that I am 50% of the problem, and that he should put boundaries down (i.e., I am not allowed to be angry at him for finding out new information if it occurred pre-DDay). He also said as part of the boundaries he wants 1DH to lay down, me checking his phone records and internet history is absolutely out of line, and that 1DH is entitled to not allow me that kind of transparency. He also recommended that 1DH read a book called: "Walking on Eggshells" which is about living with someone with borderline personality disorder, and how to reclaim your life back from them. What the hell?!?!? So he's saying that I've got no right to be angry, and that by staying angry I have BPD??? I was never angry like this before DDay! 1DH has also asked for help from the IC in identifying his own personal shortcomings so that he can fix himself to ensure these things never happen again, and so far the IC has given him one book to read ("The Flying Boy"), but hasn't given him any direction on how to fix his faults.
I feel like I'm going crazy over this! I've acknowledged that yes, I am angry, but that I want help to NOT be angry anymore! I have stated that my issues of self esteem and fear have led me to remain angry. I've also been reading the book, "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrahams, but the IC has basically told me that 1DH does not have to work to earn my Genuine Forgiveness, and I have no right to ask that from him. The IC also said that if we do separate/divorce, we should stay in the same house, but in different rooms. When I asked him what the point of a separation/divorce was if we are still together, he said it would allow us to both stay in the house with the children. I'm so confused!!! What exactly is a separation/divorce if we don't actually separate? If that was a possibility, how could we move on, get into new relationships, etc?
I told 1DH how I felt about the counselor that night, and even before the MC session I had told him that I was feeling a little uneasy about this IC. But he is adamant about continuing on, even if I do not, because he feels like he is getting something out of it. I asked him if he's gained any tools so far to help fix himself, and he said not yet, but he can identify with the author of the Flying Boy book, and it's helped him to think a little deeper into himself. I have to respect his wishes of which IC he chooses to see, but I am actually even more fearful now that this IC has planted a seed in 1DH's head that his actions are acceptable, that I don't have a right to be angry about his repeated infidelities, and that that I've got BPD because I'm angry and fearful in response to his repeated infidelities.
I don't even know which was is up or down anymore! What do I do? What would YOU do???
"One is not tempted by that he does not want."
What would YOU do???
get new counselors. You're receiving very poor advice. The problem is NOT you, you're so close to DDay... it takes years to move beyond this...
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
If that was my IC I wouldn't go back. I am 18 months out and still deal with anger towards WH. I will be starting with a new IC this week to help me deal with my anger.
1DH said he agrees with me, but says he wants to keep going to this IC until we find a new one because "it's better than no IC at all." I know I have to respect that, but I'm also extremely nervous now because this IC is telling him I am out of line for feeling the way I feel!
No, no IC right now is better than one telling him that 50% of this is your fault and that you should be over it by now. That quack is doing NOTHING to move you forward, and everything to make healing take longer.
That quack is doing NOTHING to move you forward, and everything to make healing take longer.
Yes, I definitely feel like we took two steps back after our session last week! I left feeling even angrier and more defensive than ever!!! I felt like there was something wrong with me, and that obviously we were hopeless because I haven't gotten over it by now (as the IC said I should).
The bottom line is HOW...how do I get over this anger? I've already established what I want, and I've told the IC this: I want 1DH, and I want to be with him! I don't want to live my life without him. Minus all of the infidelity, I honestly feel like my life is so much better with him than without him! The challenge I face now is living with him AND living with the knowledge of these horrible transgressions/betrayals. HOW do I work to move past these feelings of anger, depression, and fear so that we can have a happy, productive, meaningful life together? That is what I need help with because I currently do not posses the tools to do it on my own!
Your MC is expecting you to rugsweep your pain and the A. It's an invitation for additional A's. If you don't address the issues now you will never get off the crazy train.
You both need individual IC and need to get into a healthier place as individuals.
Your self esteem issues need to be addressed. You need to be strong, emotionally healthy to go through R.I don't mean healed from the A, but emotionally secure enough to do what's in your best interests without fear of rocking the boat.
You need to have the ability to set boundaries, make expectations, demand what is in your best interest and the best interest of your M. You cannot do that from the emotional state you are in.
Take some time for you, face your issues, fix your hurt and internal conflicts ( I would expect your H to be doing the same).
When the two of you are able to see clearly the reasons for different feelings and behaviors you are better able to communicate your wants and needs going forward.
You both deserve competent, healthy IC's and MC's to guide you along.
The MC you have now is inexperienced and will only hinder your healing.
Take some time to look into your IC's MC's talk to your primary care doc and see who they know to be capable of helping you through this.
Don't let this MC encourage the abuse of your marriage further. Be strong enough to trust your gut and get the help you know you both deserve.
The bottom line is HOW...how do I get over this anger?
You have just started this journey. It's a long one. Let go of needing to get to point A or B for now.
IMO, as I mentioned you need to get IC. IC will help you deal with you, your feelings, emotions, conflicts and any FOO issues.
You will need to address your questions, fears, triggers with your H. Talk about what you are feeling and the pain and hurt that is inside. Let it out, and then let it out again. Walk through it, feel it. Don't rush it away. it will only come back.
Get answeres to nagging questions, fix the things within you that you feel make you less self confident.
Start doing things for you to improve your sense of self worth, go to the gym, reconnect with a friend, help someone needy. Take little steps to reclaim your self esteem.
The goal for you, IMO, and actually for anyone WS/BS is to come to terms with who you are, where you are. Realize your good, your worth. Walk a path for you that shows you are worth every step you take. Examine your past, deal with your demons.
Slowly the anger, pain and fear are replaced.
You will find contentment again, you will find a comfortable in your skin feeling and a right with the world attitude. But it takes time.
So give yourself the gft of that time, and afford yourself the opportunity to take this road, no matter how long it seems.
Your husband has his own road to take. Sometimes you will walk together and other times you will be walking on your own.
Nobody knows where our individual road will take us, all we can do is get healthy enough to know that when we get there we will have the tools, strength and ability to follow the true path in front of us.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
That's all I can figure about your current MC. Nobody could hang the word "counselor" on themselves and suggest that flirting in the work place is normal and should be encouraged.
Nobody could hang the word "counselor" on themselves and suggest that flirting in the work place is normal and should be encouraged.
This is exactly what I was thinking! When I told him about 1DH's inappropriate relationship with the female coworker, he insisted that it was perfectly normal and acceptable, and if I didn't believe him to ask one of my female friends...because SURELY they would be in the same frame of mind! I complied, and right away sent a text to a female friend with that very question in the same format I had discussed with the IC. She responded within a couple of minutes saying if it were HER husband talking like that to a female coworker, she would be PISSED! That it would violate and disrespect their marriage. I showed the IC her response right away, to which he became frustrated with me. He then said, "I'm sure if you asked a larger pool of women, at least half of them would say it was acceptable!" I have not taken a poll of my other female friends, however I feel like it shouldn't matter what my female friends would think. It should only matter how I feel, think, and act within my own marriage, and how 1DH feels, thinks, and acts within our marriage.
I don't know about any of you guys, but that makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially since this relationship blossomed after his physical A's. It also makes me uncomfortable that I've never met this woman, even though I've been to his office several times and met many of his coworkers, and he's gone out of his way to hide her or keep her out of my sight.
To his credit, he wrote her a NC letter a couple of weeks ago after I found out about the relationship and sent it to her personal email address. In the letter he asked her not to speak to him about non-work related topics, and to direct any work related questions to one of his other coworkers. I am thankful he did that, however I'm a little anxious with fear seeing as they still work together and therefore are bound to see one another, AND he said he sent it to her personal email address...but was that really her email address? How would I even confirm that? He certainly didn't send it to her work email address so that I could confirm that YES, this is the person he sent it to, so I have to just trust him on it.
"When I discovered that my husband was cheating on me, we got into counseling to try to find a way back to each other. I couldn't stop thinking about what he had done to me, and how I had missed the boat in my own house[...]. He had ended the affair and was ready to move on. So was our therapist. The only one stuck in the past was me. I felt both of them getting increasingly annoyed at me. Believe me, if I could have done better, I would have. It was not fun being inside my head, and I knew I wasn't being constructive. I even took Paxil to try and control my raging thoughts. Feeling their pressure and contempt, I felt worse and worse about myself and the world. Eventually I dropped out of therapy, and my husband filed for divorce. Looking back, I think I was traumatized twice -- first by my husband's affair and then by my therapist, who made me feel I was both a bad wife and a bad patient."
The author, Dr. Janis Abrahams, suggested that this patient write her former therapist a letter explaining why she had dropped out of therapy. She agreed, and wrote one that invited the former therapist to respond openly and non-defensively. The therapist responded in kind, and it had a positive outcome, but at the cost of the patient's marriage! It didn't state whether her and her husband ever reconciled again.
I'm wondering if it would benefit me therapeutically to write a letter to my now-ex-therapist, or if I shouldn't waste my time?
You could write him a letter but he honestly sounds too F'd up to actually "get it".
I wish you the best of luck finding a new C. I'm on my 2nd and finally feeling like I'm on the right track. I could've written everything you did about wanting to know how to cope and move past the anger but my IC says I'm still in the processing phase and not to rush it.