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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still struggling with the "how" could you...
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wonder)))
For me I know I will never never understand the how could you! NEVER. I just have accepted he did this and it is a part of my marriage my life. I have told myself if it ever happens again I will not stop and think it will be straight to a lawyer and file. That includes anything from the past he hasnt told me. Knowing this is my very firm boundary has let me let go of the pain from his past behavior. Even now when I talk to other BSs my heartaches for you and the pain I know you are in. But I am over here on the other side of that bridge. To me all that is a bad nightmare. You too will cross over that bridge. In your own time with your answer to the how.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the "how" isn't a question of how could he do something that he knew would shatter my life, I've always known that he could, and would, hurt me, he did it enough over the years, it's how could he physically do what he did. How could he touch, kiss, have oral, have sex, with someone that he barely knew. It's disgusting to me. Maybe I'm just a prude, but I have my personal space, and can't imagine being comfortable with some guy's face in my crotch, not to mention enjoy it and orgasm?! I just don't think I could. And I can't imagine being comfortable kissing, touching, having sex, with someone that I don't even know where they've been. How many people did he have sex with when he had sex with her? Nasty. That's what I mean when I think how could he?


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I struggle with everything that everyone here has said. My husband is a person of very strong moral fiber and integrity and always condemned the lack of self-control in other people. So the "why" for me is hard and the "how" is even harder. I think the shock of what he did makes this question harder for me. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and I know that's why I struggle. The conclusion I've come to is that he just wasn't quite the person I had built him up to be. He's human not superhuman. And so now I understand better that even a person of great integrity can get in a mental state where they are "not themselves "and do really stupid things that they DO regret. It hurts though, realizing that he wasn't the person that I thought he was. He says that now, moving forward with lessons learned, he will strive to be closer to that ideal I had in my head than he ever was before. And of course I go back and forth with this in my head....One month before his ONS, he would've sworn to me he would never do it. But I realize, at that time he was untested and so he really couldn't say for sure what he would do. Now he's been tested, failed, and learned some lessons. I hope that means that he never wants to stick his arm in the meatgrinder again.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2013
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RipsInMyChest, I agree. We are all human.
Maybe the hurt is the fact that the illusion we created has been shattered.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA
NC with OW since 11th Nov 13.

Posts: 215 | Registered: Nov 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how my husband got to the place where he did this one time. But after seeing how it affected me and doing it again? I'll never understand that. I'll never forgive the 2nd time because there is absolutely no way I will have empathy and compassion for someone being in that place.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3654 | Registered: Dec 2010
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "how could you"

This is one thing I've had to let go of. Or try to anyway...not that I've been completely successful.

I don't think there is an acceptable answer for this. They shouldn't have been able to. It should have felt weird, wrong,....scary for Pete's sake. It had been 25 years since he'd touched a woman who wasn't me. How was that not that weirdest thing ever???

As you can see I've totally let go of this lol. (Funny to laugh at something that isn't funny...blah)


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can all ask "why" and "how" could they do what they did. I have come to the conclusion that in my sitch the "why and how" will never be what I want it to be.

After DDay#1 and his pathetic "why and how" was because of me, so I changed everything about myself to be what he claimed he wanted. Then almost a year later he did it again. Now his "why's and how's" changed because he didn't think I could get back the love I had for him, and he is so right on that one. Still not a good excuse, but the best he could muster at the time.

What you need to do is really think about the why's and the how's and decide if you can live with that.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
heme
Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand the hows either.. Doesn't help he can't even give me a good reason to the why just says "I don't know".. Well, you don't just wake up one morning and think "this will be a great idea" so there should be some answer.


BS: Me (29)
WS: Husband (30)
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
Children: 4, ages 6, 4, 2, and 11 months.

Posts: 73 | Registered: Sep 2013
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And so now I understand better that even a person of great integrity can get in a mental state where they are "not themselves "and do really stupid things that they DO regret. It hurts though, realizing that he wasn't the person that I thought he was. He says that now, moving forward with lessons learned, he will strive to be closer to that ideal I had in my head than he ever was before.

Exactly - funny my WS and I were talking about this very thing this morning. We talked about how I cannot fathom that this has happened. I know it did (for several years) but he was still the great husband he always was. He is still that man - brought me flowers all through those times and still does. I have a hard time understanding and don't know how to go on without accepting that this has happened, but do not know how to accept it. Why can I not get this???????
It breaks my heart that the man I love and trusted more than anything/anyone ever could do this. The only thing I have learned from this so far is NEVER TRUST ANYONE - AND I DO MEAN ANYONE.

Posts: 489 | Registered: Jun 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for sharing. It just helps to know I'm not the only one.
I think you are all correct-
the how will never be okay for me. Because that's when you come up with so many reasons that don't fit just right- and the only one left is that he stopped loving me, liking me, respecting me, enjoying me...

He must have hated me during that time. He says he didn't, that he never stopped loving me- but that's just not true. You cannot do what he did and still love me.
Let me clarify and say that I DO NOT believe it actually had to do with me. I am not unlovable and I did not change from when he did love me. I am fine.
It was always about him. He hated me. He was mad. He wanted to feel excitement. He deserved some happiness... And on and on...
But the bottom line is- it was never about me- that's "how". I wasn't a factor. He was so focused on himself and how he felt- I never entered into it. The definition of selfishness.
So... I guess that's the how.
That sucks because that means I'm married to a spoiled brat of a 35 year old.
He loves me now. He has changed. But ... This never goes away. I love him- but this will never go away.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having a lot of trouble with this one. (I am about 4 months out from DD). For me, the how he could do it is so inter-connnected with who he really is.

(I need to do a signature, but the EA/holding hands ~ 2 yrs and the PA ~ 9 months.)

Have I ever really known him? (Been married almost 10 years.)

Who was the person that could do what he did?

Who/How could lie to me for 2 years?

Who/How could he treat me with such utter disrespect?

Who/How could he think it was a "good" thing to be friends with the OW and her husband?


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2013
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other question I have that I think is related to the how is "what is different now?"


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the how and why... selfish, entitled and surrounded by opportunity. That was a tough pill to swallow, but once he showed me who he was and I believed him... it was easy to see all the little ways he was selfish and entitled...as another poster said " a spoiled brat". I never noticed it really when we dated. What came across to me as alphaness, dominance, confidence, maybe even a bit of arrogance...was wrapping up a big old ball of selfish, entitled opportunist. Once I accepted that really was the how and why..it became easier to deal with. It was really hard to see the real him though.


BS
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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