His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
The "how could you"
This is one thing I've had to let go of. Or try to anyway...not that I've been completely successful.
I don't think there is an acceptable answer for this. They shouldn't have been able to. It should have felt weird, wrong,....scary for Pete's sake. It had been 25 years since he'd touched a woman who wasn't me. How was that not that weirdest thing ever???
As you can see I've totally let go of this lol. (Funny to laugh at something that isn't funny...blah)
After DDay#1 and his pathetic "why and how" was because of me, so I changed everything about myself to be what he claimed he wanted. Then almost a year later he did it again. Now his "why's and how's" changed because he didn't think I could get back the love I had for him, and he is so right on that one. Still not a good excuse, but the best he could muster at the time.
What you need to do is really think about the why's and the how's and decide if you can live with that.
And so now I understand better that even a person of great integrity can get in a mental state where they are "not themselves "and do really stupid things that they DO regret. It hurts though, realizing that he wasn't the person that I thought he was. He says that now, moving forward with lessons learned, he will strive to be closer to that ideal I had in my head than he ever was before.
He must have hated me during that time. He says he didn't, that he never stopped loving me- but that's just not true. You cannot do what he did and still love me.
Let me clarify and say that I DO NOT believe it actually had to do with me. I am not unlovable and I did not change from when he did love me. I am fine.
It was always about him. He hated me. He was mad. He wanted to feel excitement. He deserved some happiness... And on and on...
But the bottom line is- it was never about me- that's "how". I wasn't a factor. He was so focused on himself and how he felt- I never entered into it. The definition of selfishness.
So... I guess that's the how.
That sucks because that means I'm married to a spoiled brat of a 35 year old.
He loves me now. He has changed. But ... This never goes away. I love him- but this will never go away.
(I need to do a signature, but the EA/holding hands ~ 2 yrs and the PA ~ 9 months.)
Have I ever really known him? (Been married almost 10 years.)
Who was the person that could do what he did?
Who/How could lie to me for 2 years?
Who/How could he treat me with such utter disrespect?
Who/How could he think it was a "good" thing to be friends with the OW and her husband?