He was uhhh eager to discuss no intercourse ways to tide things over until the vasectomy is done
So, what? As long as he gets a handy he is free to ignore your boundaries?
I guess losingmyground and I are giving you conflicting advice. LOL I don't think you are trying to punish him by "withholding." I think you are trying to say, "look, you aren't a safe partner for me so I'm not going to have sex with you until I can trust you." To me, it isn't about sex at all. It's about boundaries. And if it is, then I think all hanky panky should be off the table. Just sayin.
But again, it is his passive aggressive control that is the main problem here. My husband used to say the same thing "I can't talk to you because of how you react." I tried soooo hard to learn to react differently and I did make some changes. But after a couple years of him saying the same thing, I realized it was total bullshit. I have EVERY RIGHT to react in anger if he does something fucked up. It was his conflict avoidance that was the problem, NOT my reactions. He's got two things going on and they can be deadly for recovery.