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Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Almost broke nc
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost phoned The Princess tonight. I wanted to tell her that it's all her fault.

It's her fault I tried to kill myself. It's her fault my business had money troubles. It's her fault I felt ugly, stupid, and unloved. It's her fault that I am now poor, alone and unloved. It's her fault that I only get half the holidays with my kids.

I love my new life. I love that I'm spending more time on my music. I love that I have a simple apartment in the middle of the city. I love the time I spend with the kids.

But holy fuck, do I need some love. I need to cuddle. I need to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me.

I realize now that I never had the love I needed, but I still wish I could have it back.

Don't worry. I could never go back to her. I've found some happiness, some pride, and even a little self-respect.

I'm just alone.

I really wanted to phone her, but I talked myself down the usual way: Went for a walk, and then posted here.

This is the first time I've cried in many weeks. It fucking sucks!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Iamhappytoday
♀ Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations on surviving that painful urge to make contact. It's so difficult and every time I fell off the NC wagon I have regretted it. Vent here all you can.

You're valuable and worthy of love and respect.

This is a pretty lonely existence, for now. I hope we all build ourselves up to be open to the love and caring we deserve.

Until then, I'm glad you made it through that hurdle.

((((Pass))))


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
JessicaFL127
♀ Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pm coming.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, good you got through it. Cry and let it out. Post here. Many of us are in the same boat as you.

I am not missing xh any longer but I terribly miss xso. Wanting to be held and loved and feel somebody next to me helping me through a lonely night. I chose NC as well, hard in the moment but tomorrow I hope we will feel better for it. One step at a time, baby steps if need be.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been there friend. Just breathe through it. This anger/hurt has a purpose - it will help you detach from her.

You are a good man and a great father with a big heart and lots of love to give. This is your time to heal you, heal you, rebuild you, get to love you.

Sheer willpower will get you through this hard part - I promise you it won't be this hard or this painful forever.

At first we want to break NC to get them to wake the fuck up. Then we want to break NC to unleash all hell on them.

So strong was the urge to unleash hell I thought I would spontaneously combust. Sheer willpower got me through it.

These days I'm not at all tempted. I think of funny/witty responses to his inane drivel, have a quiet chuckle then get on with my day. He's a blip. She will be too.

You've got this brother. You've SO got this.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((pass) To did well. I won't say that the desire to be cuddled, loved, and cherished goes away. It becomes manageable.

When I was at your stage, I couldn't sleep (I've always had insomnia). I would clean my house continuously. I figured that I would channel my energies into something useful - my mantra was "exhaustion is your friend".

Now, I still have insomnia - but I'm not cleaning my house!

It gets better. Just get through it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, y'all. It was a rough night. I am proud of handling it the way I did. I didn't call her, and I didn't drink. I REALLY wanted to do both of those things.

Yep, this call definitely would have been in the "unleash hell" category, in contrast to the "wake the fuck up". I really haven't unleashed since DDay, last November, and The Princess seems to think we're friends now. THAT pisses me off.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Something I should have said last night is that my suicide attempt was in January of 2012, and suicide has been off the table as an option (for the first time in my life!) since about April 2012. I'm living this shit out, and starting to reap some of the benefits of it: My relationship with my kids is better than ever; I've made a lot of new friends; I'm playing mandolin and banjo in a concert in November.

But fuck me gently, it ain't easy. Thanks for being here.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass-
No pun intended, but feelings like this will pass and you'll feel stronger and stronger with each bout.

Have you met anyone you kind of sort of like? Is there an old crush you could talk to? This might be bad advice but sometimes it's nice to remember that you are a desirable and loveable person. Even though the healthy thing is to say that you need to find that within yourself, it really doesn't hurt to get the attention of someone else too...you deserve to find love again and thank god she set you free so you have the opportunity.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I should have said last night is that my suicide attempt was in January of 2012, and suicide has been off the table as an option (for the first time in my life!) since about April 2012.
You should be really damn proud of yourself! (((((pass)))))


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Pass))) I'm glad you got through the urge without acting on it. It's SO hard but the right decision.

I get urges to tell my jackass ex about himself often. I have to continuously remind myself that although he LOOKS like a human, it's like talking to a robot programed to deflect blame. His response will contain no empathy or understanding for what he has done.

There are no magic words that will make him respond like a compassionate and empathetic human-being. He is not one and he isn't good at pretending to be one either. There are only 2 responses I could expect, illogical statements used to pass the blame back to me and EXTREMELY illogical statements with anger to pass the blame back to me.

It sucks. It really does. They need SERIOUS help but they'll never get it so we can't expect any more than their current pathetic state of being.

I could never go back to her. I've found some happiness, some pride, and even a little self-respect.

I'm just alone.

And the happiness, pride and self-respect will continue to grow as her dark energy is removed from your life. You may be alone today but that could change at any time. In the meantime you're becoming the person you need to be to have the life and partner that you deserve.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 1:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewMom, I really haven't met anyone. And all my old girlfriends were just like The Princess (not to mention over 20 years ago - yikes!). I'm trying to break type, so I don't think it would be a good idea to pursue any of them, even if it were just for the sake of a little contact. I'm not opposed to the idea of meeting someone at this point, but it just hasn't happened yet.


Thanks, dmari. I am pretty proud. It was a hell of a battle to get past the point of thinking of suicide as my "last parachute" if shit gets unbearable. If I hadn't, I'm sure that something (discovering The Princess' infidelities, separating, the resulting emotional and financial turmoil) would have pushed me over the edge. I just wouldn't be here. I have a fantastic psychiatrist who has been asking me all the right questions, and teaching me how to ask myself those questions.


House, "the life and partner that you deserve" sounds fantastic. With the help of the above-mentioned psychiatrist, I've finally determined that I really do deserve to be happy. I feel like I'm well on the road to happiness, but those speed bumps are a bitch.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

love my new life. I love that I'm spending more time on my music. I love that I have a simple apartment in the middle of the city. I love the time I spend with the kids.

But holy fuck, do I need some love. I need to cuddle. I need to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with me.

I realize now that I never had the love I needed, but I still wish I could have it back.

I hear you ! It's been 6 yrs for me. I don't want what I had because it was a lie. I won't settle for less than I deserve and it's a hellva alot more than I got from FT.
If you want what you had in the marriage, YOU would be settling for less. You want MORE not THAT !
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, you are going to make it. Your anti-versary is right around the corner, you are less than a year out...you are going to come out the other side. Like others said, love will come again, and it will be BETTER, because we won't accept less.

I'm 4 years out from dday now, and yep, I really wish I had someone to cuddle with, talk with, do things with. I firmly believe that day will come, and I will be happier than ever. I just won't settle. If I'm going to fall in love again, it's going to be with someone who deserves me, and I them.

Congrats on getting through the rough night, and know sunnier days are coming.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5525 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother. You are so not alone. The anger and pain I believe is good ,when it comes for me, and it comes often, I dive into it! I don't run from it and it seems to work. No bandaids. No temporary fixes. The attempt suicide was a minor setback! You are past that , you are better than that! You are better than the drinking too and I am glad you are stronger now and past that . You should be proud that you did not break NC. That is a big step. I am in the same pain , with kids and all , I am 6 months or so past D day and the pain at times is still unbelievable. But much better and much more controlled. I still can't look at her or hear her voice or even see her handwriting! Sick? But I will never give her that satisfaction of my weakness again. I felt the same as you , she destroyed my confidence my manhood , my being , but that shit is over. I hit the gym started training again ( boxing) and yoga , I ride the motorcycle for hours. Whatever! But positive things, nothing negative. You are better than that. Find your pride again ! Please! I have faith in you and all here . We all slip at times, me a whole lot but never give her that weakness again ! Just my thoughts and feelings . I am sorry you we are here but if we stay strong we will get through this. Good luck .


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 679 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, y'all.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did great pass, and I think your progress is impressive. Learning to find new ways to cope isn't easy, I'm so glad you've found someone to work with on that.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to bump you up and see how your feeling


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 679 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Pass)))

I still have urges to break NC and tell him what I think of him and it's been over three years for me. You are doing great. I can relate to everything you wrote. This life is not for the weak at heart.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for asking. I'm feeling really good today. It's the weekend, so that means my boys are with me.

We went out this morning to get a winter coat for 13. He wanted something "cool and beaten up", so we went hunting through the used shops. Got him a cool old leather jacket.

We also stopped in a music store to play a few instruments, and a hardware store so that 10 could look at the power tools. Pizza lunch, home to watch a bad superhero movie, then fried up some pork chops for supper. We ended the day with a short walk through the rain. A good day.

Weekends are when The Princess has all her much-needed freedom to screw her way through the city. I think my weekends sound better!

The weekend is when I'm in dad mode, and I'm feeling strong.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great weekend ! Sounds like mine ! The kids our life saver. Glad you are feeling better stay focused on them .


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 679 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 20

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