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User Topic: MC said I can ask three questions, what would you ask? BS/WS
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. What did you tell yourself to make it ok for you to do this over and over?

2. Was it only selfishness that motivated you or something else?

3. Why should I trust that this is not going to happen again ?

(Assuming you already know who where when and how)


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1716 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If, after what you have put me through, I am only "allowed" to ask 3 questions......where do you intend to live after you answer questions 2 and 3?

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first question you should ask is of the MC and it should be "Where can I get a new MC?"


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, maybe the MC has something with letting him open up slowly in a safe place. I never had the option of MC because the WXF was a runner, and never faced what he did. I think I would ask
1. if he thought that he loved me during the affair, how does he view love if it allows you to decimate your purpoted loved one?
2. Would you ever feel safe if I had done this to you? What would that safety look like?
3. If you had it to do over again, would you do the same thing knowing the pain it caused?
Course, liars lie and I don't know if I would ever believe the answers anyway.


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
betrayedme2
♂ Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What everybody else has said...(sorry, it's all been said).

But, immediately after dday, I guess these would be the first three.

1. Why, what made you break our marriage covenants, promises, respect, compromise our family, hurt me and your daughters and risk EVERYTHING?

2. How can I every trust you again? Be very damn specific.

3. Why should I keep you in my and our daughters life, in other words, what are you going to do to prove you're worthy?

If these had already been answered, I'd ask. Where was I at the moment you first screwed that scum bastard. I want to know exactly what I was doing at that time and where I was. How did you feel after that first screwing and how could you look at me in the eye afterwards? Sorry, I've still got some pretty strong feelings, I feel better now.


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all have given me a lot to think about. Thank you! I even got to chuckle a bit - haven't done that in a long while.

I really do think this is the way the MC has chosen to make my WS feel "safe" enough to answer my questions. I feel a little healed just knowing I can do this!

I feel like that scene from Indiana jones when the nazi drinks out of the wrong "holy grail" and he dies horribly and the knight says "he choose poorly ". I want to "choose wisely"

Any more suggestions?


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

REALLY? You GET to ask THREE questions?

Someone took a wrecking ball to your heart, soul, psychi, and life and you GET to ask THREE questions?

1) Do you want our NEXT marriage counselor to be male or female? Because we're done with this bitch.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Why are you the one being Molly coddled instead of me, the BW who has had her M, her future and her dreams ripped away because of the choices you made?

2) How come you were "big man with two women" during the A but now are such a baby that you can't answer questions without handholding?

3) In light of your inability to man up and face the consequences of your choices, why should I give you another chance?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first question you should ask is of the MC and it should be "Where can I get a new MC?"

I wouldn't want a referral from this idiot.

If, after what you have put me through, I am only "allowed" to ask 3 questions......where do you intend to live after you answer questions 2 and 3?

Yeah, I like this one. The original post on this thread took me out at the knees.

As my tag line says: Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit.

Sorry in advance...I can't believe I triggered like this. My ex wouldn't answer questions. That's part of why he's an ex, among a multitude of other things.

Maybe he's ashamed of what he did. I don't know. Maybe he's protecting the OW. I don't know. But YOU are entitled to the TRUTH, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. How in the world are HIS feelings more important than yours?


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attitude totally aligns with Holly's. Matter of fact....one of my biggest mantra's to stbx throughout all of this was: "if you were *man* enough to do all this shit, then you sure as hell better be *man* enough to talk about it!"

So I had a MC that wanted to make my WS 'comfortable' enough to start getting to the root of things. It.Was.A.Disaster.

I will make a prediction right now:
You will ask your 3 questions. Your WH will answer them in the most tip-toe-y way that he can.....and then when you have MORE questions -- and you WILL -- he will say "MC said I only had to answer 3 QUESTIONS!!!!! And I DID. Now all you're doing by continuing to dwell on this, LC, is keeping us dooowwwwnnnn and we need to move forward!!!!"

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions
This is what leapt to my mind, too.

WTH gives him the idea that he's calling the shots?

If limited to 3 questions, I'd ask:

1. Why does he think he only needs to answer 3 questions?
2. Why should I invest even another minute working on a marriage with a man who values his lies and secrets more than me?
3. what is the point of marriage counseling, if he's not remorseful and committed to doing what it takes to repair the damage he's done?

I would not play this game.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8723 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) can you please provide me with a timeline of the affair and include who (all of the whos and who knew about the affairs as well), what EXACTLY happened, where it happened, and when things started/ended?

2) if I had done this to you, would you be able to forgive me and what would you ask of me in order for you to heal?

3) how did you look at me everyday knowing that you were lying to my face?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Patchy
♀ Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you exactly what to ask, but I want to caution you about what you ask. I'm the kind of person who triggers over "everything". I trigger about places I know they went, and one is particularly painful because it's in the city where he and I courted.

I learned I really wanted vague answers when it comes to where they went, so basically I know "parks" and "coffee places". Of course that makes every park a trigger to some degree and I don't want to go on any dates or anything to a park. For now. (Plus Dday 2 happened at a park.)

Anyway, you have to think about what things you would be crushed to know and would have a really hard time getting past, like if they had sex, what positions. Do you really need to know specifics?

The experts say "full disclosure" is very important to your healing. It keeps him from having "secrets with her" that you'll never know, and which keep him bonded to her in some ways. It keeps him more accountable if certain things he shares are things you can watch for in the future. And there a myriad of other reasons I can't remember reading about when I decided I needed more info from him.

One thing I for sure wanted to know were dates. When did it start, how many times did they see each other, etc.

I wanted to know who initiated things. She did. She was the first to tell him she was attracted to him and had apparently already been flirting with him and he wasn't cluing in for a long time. And when he gave her a hug after they went to a movie together early on, she said, "Is that all I get?" The next time they were together he kissed her for the first time, the day after our 22nd Anniversary.

I remember months later being ridden with the "how could you do this to me" question. So after falling apart for the zillionth time, sitting on the bathroom floor I asked him. He had already answered that question, but that time he answered it in a different way than before and it really made a difference. He reminded me of where he was at mentally, how he had no hope for our marriage and how lonely he was.

It was so boggling trying to grasp all of that since on our anniversary he had given me a card in which he wrote that he wanted to breathe me in for the rest of his life.

I knew there were some issues, and I was trying to work on some things o my end, but I had zero clue he was THAT much in despair and feeling so hopeless about our marriage. Woulda been nice had he made that more clear BEFORE the A, but . . . whatever.

Anyway, so aside from the fact that he "should" have told me all that before, while those things had certainly come up in conversation, the way he expressed it that night when I sat on the floor in a big mess, somehow helped a little . . . with that specific question anyway.

I guess the fact that he's willing to answer three questions is good if it's the best he can offer right now, but if he is never willing to answer anymore in the future, I have a hard time believing he's ready to truly confess, be remorseful and do whatever it takes to fix this.

So I hope this is just a baby step to more. Good luck.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
newbeg2011
♂ Member
Member # 31892
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost
I am the WH and this exact thing happened to my wife 0115. My fear for you is that your MC like ours is not understanding the true extent of your pain. Our MC said 0115 could ask questions then she needed to move on from the pain. He said she was stuck.
I look back at that in huge regret. She was barely 3-4 months since DDay. She felt betrayed twice the first time by me then her MC because he was not helping her heal . There can be no limits except what YOU put on it. You can't possibly know every question you need answer today. And even when you think your done you will still want to hear it again to see if it changes.
I learned that the more times she could ask and vent she healed. It was less that she was holding in. And her pain is what really helped me understand the depth of my actions. I hate who I was every day.
If possible I would say the more calm and active you both are when you ask him the questions may help him. Like a walk or a drive ? And if you can remain calm through the answers. It might make him feel safe to answer. Some WH stop because they panic before they get it out. And think they are making it worse by telling the whole truth. When in reality they are still protecting them selves.
I pray you get what you need to heal.


Never forget what I have done to BS but don't let guilt make me quit. STAY IN THE FIGHT ! ! !
WS 47 me
BS 47 her
5 Great Children
DD 1/15/11

Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I CERTAINLY understand how it is unbelievable for you to have to choose only 3 questions. I get that it seems out of whack.

But, one of the marriage coundselors we went to said that I could have 10 minutes per week to "talk" or ask questions. This was because my husband was totally overwhelmed when I would ask so much. That was it. 10 minutes per week. It pissed me off royally! I had been stiffled for so long by my WH not talking that questions were literally bubbling out of me. No way in hell would I settle for only 10 minutes per week.

BUT...in retrospect -

That was 4-5 YEARS ago. We are still not talking. When I think of 10 minutes per week for 5 years - (excuse me one second) that is 2600 minutes of asking questions. It is 43.3 hours.

Looking back, 10 minutes a week sounded like a drop of water for someone dying of thirst - but if I had accepted that perameter, I think I would be in a whole different marriage today.

As I said earlier - I would be very tempted to take a step back on what is RIGHTFULLY yours - all the damn questions you can ever think of - and take it one step at a time to see if it works.

After all, it is not so much about winning or losing, or even total fairness in the process - but the outcome.

JMHO.

I wish you luck!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - this is what I think I am going with. The mc said 3 or 4. I tried to get down to three - but you all had such great ideas! I have plagiarized heavily

1. Describe the pain you believe I am in, what I think about, what hurts me, what triggers my pain and anguish, what my self-worth is like now.

2. If I had done this to you, would you be able to forgive me and what would you ask of me in order for you to heal?

3. What specifically are you willing to do to restore my faith in you, rebuild our marriage, regain my trust, and help me heal?

4. What is the full, expanded timeline of your infidelities, including who, what, where, when, and why? (by this I mean ALL physical and emotional and online cheating and inappropriate communication/flirting/touching/sex with other women what you hid and did not want me to know since we first met.)

I am really nervous about that last one...

Remember the mc is I believe using this as a starting point !


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would *strike* #2......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back, 10 minutes a week sounded like a drop of water for someone dying of thirst - but if I had accepted that perameter, I think I would be in a whole different marriage today.

Not necessarily. Our MC soon after dday had MrH set up limitations too. I get that WSs might need that. What it taught MrH is that he had a right to control my healing. Before we met with the MC, MrH was in Iraq. When we chatted online he'd answer any question I wanted. I was healing much faster then.

I had told him I had done the shoving under the rug after 1A and this time he was not dictating terms. But then he had the backing of the MC. And in answering questions, he technically wasn't sweeping under the rug.

Now, I am in limbo.

I think if the MC is going to suggest parameters about A recovery, then the MC must also have a solid plan for lifting them and giving control back to the BS sooner rather than later.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't ask questions under that agreement. I would simply tell him until he was ready to answer all questions he could find a new place to sleep.

Your MC is putting you in an inferior position by allowing your husband to control what truths he gives you.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would really appreciate any last insight. I have the questions typed out just working up my nerve...


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
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