Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenmess (44282)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC said I can ask three questions, what would you ask? BS/WS
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scrap #2. You will have another opportunity, further along to ask this.

And you should be nervous about #4. I'm almost a year out from DD, and I thought I wanted "the timeline". Even did it in MC, for support. I got the 'how it started' and when the first time was. Awful. Awful. I'm back to pain.

Some people need it and it works for them. Helps them heal. Not me. I'm bailing on the timeline. Maybe get him to write it out (so he can face it) and not read it? Or, get a small detailed section and decide if you can stomach the rest?


Good luck.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup- scrap #2. It's one of those questions we think we know the answer to until it happens to us.

Not only that, but since he has to be babied through this he will answer in a self serving way. Why? Because getting into an A is selfish and it's apparent that he's still in the wayward mindset. It's likely that he will insist on some form of rugsweeping, claiming he wouldn't want to be reminded of the pain.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my xh your 2nd question. I'll never forget where we were when I asked.... that would be driving together to have lunch on our 36th wedding anniversary.... his answer? "I'd have kicked your a@@ out of the house." Maybe that's what he expected me to do when I found out about his A - which would have made it far easier for him to leave since he didn't have the guts to do it early on. But I didn't. Instead, I put up with 6 months of TT, lies, he would swear to me or our daughters he was done with the bimbo then be on the phone with her 20 minutes later. Or sending her gifts. And sending her money. Also: my first thought about only 3 questions was to find a new MC. IMO, if this does not start the ball rolling with transparency from your WS, I WOULD find another MC who wouldn't let him be the baby he's acting like now. He had balls enough to have an affair but doesn't have guts enough to face up to the destruction he caused ?


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the questions you have are fine (agree scrap #2 - its different for everyone, including him)

I am not in R and there is no hope of R, which is probably a good thing for me. I no longer have questions so much as a statement:

Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I reserve my right to question after that.

For me I don't know the truth so questions are like a shot in the dark when I don't know what, who, when, how many. My X was/is a master liar by omission so if I didn't ask the question 'just' right I wouldn't get the truth or even a portion of the truth.

I hope your WH can be honest and forthcoming.

I too worry that he will use this as a 'three questions and I am out of answering more' loop hole.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I gave WS a file folder w questions 1, 3, and 4 this morning. I said here are those questions. He said why didn't you give this to me before (he could tell I had printed it Friday) I said I had to get my nerve up. We had a good weekend. He answered a few questions for me one night w no problems. Yesterday his extended family was meeting at the restaurant where my WS met MOW for the first time. He knew I never wanted to go in there again. But asked if I wanted to go and I went. I think he appreciated my effort. Hopefully he will respond fully to the questions. Thanks for all your help friends - what would I do without SI?


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Well the saga continues. My WH said I had asked "16" questions not the "3" that the MC suggested. I explained that I wanted to make sure he understand what I was asking - that there would be no mistake. So I simplified and resent this:

These are the three questions rephrased as we discussed. My original questions were longer as I was trying to explain what truth I was asking for. This is the jest of those three questions.


1. What do you believe my pain is like?

2. What are you willing to do to help me heal?

3. How have you cheated on me since we first met?

We have had a very stressful week with one of our grown children so that was all we discuss with the MC. WH has been very busy and is flying to a funeral (I encouraged him to go) for the next four days. I will be very surprised if he puts any though into the questions during that time.

I can wait - as I am hopeful this will be a huge step forward for me - IF he actually "gets it"!


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. This response is dishonest and sounds like the response of a guy who will never accept responsibility for his actions.... Do you really want to stick with this guy?

Have you considered the 180? (See Healing Library, BS FAQS #11.)


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think his whinging is proof that he hasn't gotten it and likely won't. I've been there. I kept lowering my expectations because there was always something that MUST be done before my healing was faced.

Here I am, 7yrs out and I have no expectations of my M. MrH recently told friends that he knows when I get a job I will be setting aside money so I can leave. The quintessential "walk away wife".

IME and from what I've witnessed for years on SI, this babying will eventually become rug sweeping...as that's pretty much what it is. It keeps the door open for the next A because he doesn't have to face the reality of what he's done.

Basically
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he's gone for three days at a funeral. He has called, texted and sent pictures, which I really appreciate. Last month on a work trip he wasn't very available...

If you have read my earlier posts you know he had broken off the A before I found out, but has told me he's not sure if he wants to stay married as he was so unhappy. So, limbo for me. I have told him the longer he takes to decide the more I feel disconnected from him.

The night before his trip, he told me he thought we were going to make it. We will see..


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On October 24th, I predicted this:
he will say "MC said I only had to answer 3 QUESTIONS!!!!!

And now, one week later:

My WH said I had asked "16" questions not the "3" that the MC suggested

......it begins......

LC, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If your WH really wanted to take that *drink*, then he wouldn't have been parsing out just exactly how many questions were contained in your request and *calling you out* about it.

My next prediction lies here:

I have told him the longer he takes to decide the more I feel disconnected from him.

Keep telling him this and I predict that he'll start whining about how you keep *threatening* to leave him or he'll start accusing *you* of 'not being *in* on R'.

Your WH doesn't *get it*. His actions are inconsistent. Sure, now he's staying in contact with you....but he wasn't on his work trip last week. His underlying attitude sucks.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why only 3 questions?
2. What makes you think 3 questions
are all I need to ask?
3. Can I get my money back?


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's not sure if he wants to stay married as he was so unhappy.

Now it makes sense why your MC is pursuing the path you are on (I haven't seen your earlier posts). Sadly, your marriage is hanging on by a thread so your MC's options are really limited. Hopefully the three questions will begin a meaningful dialogue to get your WH engaged again with the marriage and underlying issues.

I'm sorry to say, but getting your WH to feel your pain my not necessarily be the best path right now. He probably feels his pain is worse than yours and you're the one not getting it. I know this sounds backwards, but it may be what he is thinking. This may sound unfair, but if you want to save your marriage, you may have to give priority to the marriage problems and pre-affair issues before your own healing; but, it sounds like you're doing some of that.

I'm so sorry you are in this very difficult place. I can imagine how painful it must be. You may be able help yourself to a certain degree by reading some infidelity and relationship building books.

As a place to get started, I strongly recommend, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
Topic Posts: 52
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.