And you should be nervous about #4. I'm almost a year out from DD, and I thought I wanted "the timeline". Even did it in MC, for support. I got the 'how it started' and when the first time was. Awful. Awful. I'm back to pain.
Some people need it and it works for them. Helps them heal. Not me. I'm bailing on the timeline. Maybe get him to write it out (so he can face it) and not read it? Or, get a small detailed section and decide if you can stomach the rest?
Not only that, but since he has to be babied through this he will answer in a self serving way. Why? Because getting into an A is selfish and it's apparent that he's still in the wayward mindset. It's likely that he will insist on some form of rugsweeping, claiming he wouldn't want to be reminded of the pain.
I am not in R and there is no hope of R, which is probably a good thing for me. I no longer have questions so much as a statement:
Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I reserve my right to question after that.
For me I don't know the truth so questions are like a shot in the dark when I don't know what, who, when, how many. My X was/is a master liar by omission so if I didn't ask the question 'just' right I wouldn't get the truth or even a portion of the truth.
I hope your WH can be honest and forthcoming.
I too worry that he will use this as a 'three questions and I am out of answering more' loop hole.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
These are the three questions rephrased as we discussed. My original questions were longer as I was trying to explain what truth I was asking for. This is the jest of those three questions.
1. What do you believe my pain is like?
2. What are you willing to do to help me heal?
3. How have you cheated on me since we first met?
We have had a very stressful week with one of our grown children so that was all we discuss with the MC. WH has been very busy and is flying to a funeral (I encouraged him to go) for the next four days. I will be very surprised if he puts any though into the questions during that time.
I can wait - as I am hopeful this will be a huge step forward for me - IF he actually "gets it"!
Have you considered the 180? (See Healing Library, BS FAQS #11.)
Here I am, 7yrs out and I have no expectations of my M. MrH recently told friends that he knows when I get a job I will be setting aside money so I can leave. The quintessential "walk away wife".
IME and from what I've witnessed for years on SI, this babying will eventually become rug sweeping...as that's pretty much what it is. It keeps the door open for the next A because he doesn't have to face the reality of what he's done.
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
If you have read my earlier posts you know he had broken off the A before I found out, but has told me he's not sure if he wants to stay married as he was so unhappy. So, limbo for me. I have told him the longer he takes to decide the more I feel disconnected from him.
The night before his trip, he told me he thought we were going to make it. We will see..
he will say "MC said I only had to answer 3 QUESTIONS!!!!!
And now, one week later:
My WH said I had asked "16" questions not the "3" that the MC suggested
LC, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If your WH really wanted to take that *drink*, then he wouldn't have been parsing out just exactly how many questions were contained in your request and *calling you out* about it.
My next prediction lies here:
I have told him the longer he takes to decide the more I feel disconnected from him.
Your WH doesn't *get it*. His actions are inconsistent. Sure, now he's staying in contact with you....but he wasn't on his work trip last week. His underlying attitude sucks.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
he's not sure if he wants to stay married as he was so unhappy.
Now it makes sense why your MC is pursuing the path you are on (I haven't seen your earlier posts). Sadly, your marriage is hanging on by a thread so your MC's options are really limited. Hopefully the three questions will begin a meaningful dialogue to get your WH engaged again with the marriage and underlying issues.
I'm sorry to say, but getting your WH to feel your pain my not necessarily be the best path right now. He probably feels his pain is worse than yours and you're the one not getting it. I know this sounds backwards, but it may be what he is thinking. This may sound unfair, but if you want to save your marriage, you may have to give priority to the marriage problems and pre-affair issues before your own healing; but, it sounds like you're doing some of that.
I'm so sorry you are in this very difficult place. I can imagine how painful it must be. You may be able help yourself to a certain degree by reading some infidelity and relationship building books.
As a place to get started, I strongly recommend, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.