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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help-Was I too harsh?
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ca, I am just wondering how you are. Guessing you are both home from work now. Not that you have to share with us....hoping you can talk tonight with H - or even take a break, write him a short letter and talk tomorrow.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had IC tonight. It was good and sad.

Yes, I am seeing things as they still are. No, I did nothing wrong.

As far as the comment from h about "it's not just about you and your pain", IC said, "YES it IS" that he chose to step outside the marriage, break his vows, now it is up to him to earn me back, that I NEED to be selfish now. I need to protect myself as he has surely shown me that he will not. He is still putting himself above me.

Yes we did talk. Not good. He walked away. Shut down.

It's okay. I am okay. I just have to stay strong in myself. Remember how valuable I am. I am stepping back again. Consciously choosing to. It's up to him and I will not back down again. If he does not take some action I just cannot take much more.

I will not live my life trying to earn his love.

Thanks for checking. It makes me feel cared for.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1307 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes we did talk. Not good. He walked away. Shut down.
These are his old patterns. The one he is supposed to be changing. Talk is just that. He has to show you that he has it in him to walk the walk. Actions, not words.

I'm glad you're recognizing that he's not, and that you're taking care of you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37110 | Registered: Sep 2007
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am getting better at recognizing this. I feel a bit proud of myself for being able to stand up for myself. Crazy as it may seem, asking myself, "what would you tell your daughter?" seems to help me protect myself.

I realized in IC tonight that I am being too soft, too gentle. I need to maintain the firmness, I need to keep letting him know that he needs to follow through. Promises of I am working on it are not enough.

I need proof. Walk the walk. If I am strong enough to go through this pain, to face it and work towards forgiving, he has to be just as strong.

It takes two. I feel like I have worked hard enough. I have opened the door, provided the path to the door, it is up to him to follow it, or not.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1307 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should feel proud. I like your approach about what would you tell your daughter. We are often much kinder to those we love than to ourselves.

It's time to love yourself as much as you love others, and treat yourself as kindly as you do others.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37110 | Registered: Sep 2007
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working on that. That is probably the most important thing for me. To have that sense of value of myself become a part of me, not something that I have to work so hard at.

Putting myself first, a new concept, hard to maintain.

I still need reassurance. Sometimes it just feels wrong, like I am being insensitive, uncaring. Now I try to remember be kind to those who deserve it.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1307 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, he replied that he had decided not to go this week, he was too busy at work.

This is how I would have heard what he said: "Other things, such as work, are more important than your healing and our marriage." I would have been upset as well.

He could have talked to you about it before deciding to just push it off. Instead, he made the decision without thinking how you would feel.

I realized how when he does what I have asked for "he scores points", and when he doesn't it makes me question his commitment

That sounds reasonable of you. I would feel the same way.

He became upset, "why can't you just say, thank you for planning for next week, I understand that you are working hard".

This directly translates to: "I am giving 90% instead of 100% of my effort. Why can't you be happy with the 90%?"

@@

My intention was not to hurt him but to help him understand, let him know what happens inside me. If he doesn't know he could do things to hurt me and not even realize it.

This is reasonable.

He was upset with me. Told me that there are two people here and it isn't always about me and my pain. That he beats himself up enough without me beating him up. He told me that I think too much and not everything has to be a big emotional event.

There are two people here? I would love to know where those two people where when he chose to be selfish and have the affair in the first place. NOW that he's hurting instead of having a grand ol' time having sex with someone else...NOW there are two people?

This actually IS about you and your pain. Why? BECAUSE HE CAUSED THIS! He beats himself up? Good, this was his choice, not yours.

He said he doesn't need to hear it.

Ie. "I don't care how you are feeling, or what you are thinking. I procrastinated my appointment, and you called me out, and now I am mad."

I don't think you were harsh at all. I think he is trying to find something to be angry about because he hasn't done enough self discovery yet.

[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 7:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Cantaccept. Your note to give us the follow up was so great to read. I mean...I know it was sad but you sound very strong if not determined. Your actions were validated in IC and I am glad to hear that.

Consciously choosing.....

Good stuff! Being conscience about our actions is key when working through this time. I find when I am not being conscience I lose control. Lose my way. Lose me.

He may walk but you stand firm!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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