I'm 36, living with my parents again, and have an 8 month old baby. I find myself sulking a lot and feeling like the same teenager who used to lock herself in her room and listen to Nirvana. My parents hover over me and I miss my freedom, even though they are helping with DS 24/7.
I'm looking for a yoga studio I can go to daily so there is that. What helped you transition? Find happiness again? Enjoy those around you without being a big Debbie Downer?
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:10 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Yoga sounds like an excellent start NewMom0220!!
"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC
"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"
Keep yourself busy!!! Try to live in the present and plan for the future. You will get there.
Yoga is a great start! I tried to save my Debbie Downness for SI and put on my brave face for family and friends. You kinda gotta fake it till you make it.
I hit a turning point when I realized that I was so much more free than before. I could listen to whatever I wanted and record whatever shows I wanted and read whatever stupid magazines I wanted and there wasn't some douchebag judging me for it! Life really started opening up for me, and it will for you too.
ETA: Oh, and buying a new wardrobe after being on the infidelity diet helped me transition too. And replacing all my old cheap jewelry with new cheap jewelry..
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:19 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]
The beginning is tough but it gets better and easier over time.
Other things I did were get rid of almost everything we had been given for our wedding, adn i bought replacements that made me happy. That's a spendy one though.
I bought new clothes, colored my hair, and got a tattoo ( ), all in the name of reinventing/rediscovering myself.
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
My baby is only 6 weeks old so I am still getting settled in with her. But I have been trying really hard to think of what things I can start doing in the next couple months to get out more, find myself, have some activities other than work and hopefully meet some new people. So far all I have come up with is going the gym and taking yoga/pilates classes.
Is there anything you are interested in or used to be? I alway liked photography, so I think I will start looking into classes or groups for people with the same interest.
I hope people have other suggestions as well because I am really struggling with this.
Our group ended after 13 weeks and from there we've now known each other for 13 months and have continued to get together often.
I understand how hard it is to do much more than care for you and your baby. Now is the time to take care of you and Lil' Baby. There is much to process with a D let alone caring for your little one. Just take it at your own pace.
It may not be the time to add to much to your plate. Maybe you can file the idea of a support group away for now. And take advantage of the gift that your parents are giving you to heal and recover from all you've dealt with.
It will get better.
(Decisions regarding our girls were and still are still "joint", but we had mostly seen eye-to-eye on that, and still do).
No more wondering where the money was going. No more being hostage to her relative happiness, or lack thereof. All me.
Again - I'm not trying to be dismissive of the hard parts you're going through. Hang in there - it gets better. For me, almost two years out, finding my peace, strength, and freedom from her bullshit feels wonderful.
I'm making plans for ME. I'm getting a job I'll hopefully enjoy. I'm joining groups for things that interest me, quilting, historical reenactment, whatever. All the things that I like that STBX didn't like or have time for. That's what I am doing to rediscover who I am as a person.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Yoga is actually a great start. I've been doing that, and pilates actually since before dday, and have continued throughout multiple ddays.
Physical health and strength are so helpful during major life transitions, upheaval and loss.
Then I threw myself into friends and hobbies I had deserted during that toxic M.
I also had a bookmark folder full of links to things that made me laugh my head off.
I kept 2 journals - one about the M and S/D (Old Life) and one about happy thinks (New Life - Current and Future).
It takes a while for the BS fog to lift. I realised I was intimidated by having so many options - one I selected a few goals and worked towards them it was not so scary anymore.
One of the last things my best friend said to me was "Crab, tell me what you want, and I'll help you do that until one day you won't need help".
I immediately found that I had no idea what I wanted anymore, I was so co dependent and even then automatically my thoughts shifted to plan whatever would fit into WHs aceptable world.
Now it's a year later, a year since she's passed and since she said that, I'm finally finding my voice, understanding that this situation really is temporary and that I'm where I'm supposed to be for now while going through this D.
In the meantime, exercise has really helped me let go, starting to reach out to old friends (and finding they still care and want to see me!). My sibling and I are planning on traveling to visit cousins we haven't seen as well, so that will be good. I'm also getting into new challenges at work, which is fantastic to keep my mind busy and focus on what's best for me long term.
Volunteering has been a great thing as well, as no matter how badly I feel, there is always someone who has a situation that I cannot even fathom, living in my area that I'm blown away by. I've volunteered to help at food banks and at animal shelters and it's been very worthwhile.
I previously asked WH to go with me, even when he had his DUI I suggested we do his required community service together and pick something we could both do. (He had the option of submitting his own community service plan or let them pick for him and go alone). He let them pick and went alone.
I feel it was his loss.
Regarding parents, mine are the best people ever and I love them dearly but I understand the hovering you mentioned. They would literally do anything, wait on me hand and foot through this process, I think because they cannot do much about the tremendous pain they see and it's frustrating to them.
I cannot say I'm happy, but getting there. A big part of that has just been getting out and forcing myself to focus on me and do things, which haven't been fun at first, but are starting to be.
Hugs to all of you on this path with me!
spending alot of time with my kids helped me. I was giggling and smiling way more.
isolating oneself is never good to do long. as getting a lot of sunlight helps. I also made sure to take my vitamins so I got b6 and 12 to prevent depression and give me energy.