This is the advice and list of resources compiled from past and current posters on this thread dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. Educate yourself about SA and codependency. Focusing on yourself and your own recovery will strengthen you to deal with the SA and the impact on your life, whether you choose to stay with your SA or not.
The SA must seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) . The SA must work their recovery on their own. Even if the SA doesn’t get help, the spouse needs to get counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. Be sure that the therapists are CSATs and/or trained in sex addiction and trauma. If you are in a remote area, many CSATs will skype their sessions. Contact some on the list to see which ones are available for this.
12 step meetings are mandatory for SAs. They are also highly recommended for spouses. The IRL support of others going through the same process is invaluable.
First and foremost read these books:
Book Resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. (An essential read regarding trauma of spouses.)
2. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness. (Primer for SA education for both SA and spouse. Great first book.)
3. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness. (Nice explanation of how the process of recovery ideally works.)
4. Facing Heartbreak, by Stefanie Carnes and Anthony Rodriguez. The new workbook for partners of SAs. (workbook)
5. Intimate Treason, Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction, by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi. (workbook)
6. The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes. (Good good book for anyone in a dysfunctional relationship.)
7. Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, by Stefanie Carnes.
Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets, by Claudia Black PhD.
9. Intimacy Anorexia, by Douglas Weiss. (Just the book for both SAs and spouses suffering from Intimacy and Sexual Anorexia.)
10. Don''t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes.
Online Resources for Spouses/Partners:
S-Anon (for the spouses/partners of SAs): http://www.sanon.org
COSA (spouses/partners/children of SAs) http://www.cosa-recovery.org
A website with good info on boundaries for dealing with an SA it:
To find a CSAT (Certified Sex Addict Therapist), look for one that specializes in dealing with spouses and trauma. http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists
www.sexhelp.com (Patrick Carnes main site, the founding expert of SA, there are many resources and info on SA)
12 steps for S-Anon: (COSA is very similar)
1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Humanist version for AA, can be modified for SA:
The SA must seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist]
12 step meetings are mandatory for SAs.
Online resources for SAs:
Find a CSAT: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists
Sexaholics Anonymous: (Recommended by most CSATS, more stringent definition of healthy sexual behavior) At this site there is information for the SA and spouse that may be helpful. http://www.sa.org/
SLAA: http://www.slaafws.org/ (for sex and love addicts)
Recovery Nation is an online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.) http://www.recoverynation.com
http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on the porn aspect of SA.
Book Resources for SAs:
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn''t face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want.
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes (workbook).
2. Recovery Zone, Patrick Carnes (workbook).
3. A Gentle Path, Patrick Carnes.
4. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness.
5. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness.
6. Porn Nation by Michael Leahy, for SAs that are addicted to Porn.
***Please stop posting links to personal blogs***
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
I can't find one for the humanist version, but maybe just linking to the alcohol one for humanists is enough:
And of course the link for the SA and S-Anon ones are
S-Anon (for the spouses/partners): http://www.sanon.org/steps.html
I installed a spy thingy on our computer last week. Today when I checked it, I saw that WS had been watching erotic dancing videos on Youtube.
I found a way to block them, of course. I had already blocked porn on the computer, and he must have realized that and decided to get his fix some other way.
I wish I could kick him out right now but I want to get along for the sake of retaining my rights to own our house. If we had a blowup now, he might not sign off on it.
But oh man, how I would like to confront him about those dancing whores.
I saw a CSAT yesterday for IC. I was very impressed. I am having a hard time with the concept of just working on me, and not worrying about SAWH, even though I know in my heart I have to for our children and myself. I have an appt. with a divorce lawyer next week to see what my options are. I told SAWH that I have every right to divorce him and that I am giving him a huge gift by even being willing to give reconciliation a shot. I also told him not to screw this chance up. He seemed to understand what I was saying.
How do you ever know with SAWH if you are being lied to or if they are being genuine and honest??
marlie, sorry he's doing everything he can to act out. :(
I'm no where near trusting. After the incident a couple of weeks ago of him looking at those ridiculous pictures, I tried to install a key logger. H was out if town and it was a little more difficult to do than the ad proclaimed. I still haven't gotten it up and running but, that's my mission for today. I told myself I wouldn't live this was but, I have to find out somehow if he is really being serious about this and I feel like this is the only way I can really know. It's just too easy to do private browsing or delete history. I'm not getting fooled again.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 9:58 AM, October 25th (Friday)]
I'll also mention that my WS is NOT computer-savvy. He never even graduated high school or learned cursive writing. Everything he knows about computers he learned from me. I did laugh though to see how he tried to erase the browsing history on the computer. Ha! I was able to 'watch it happen' when I brought up the Argos screen. He also knows that I have his FB password, so he keeps going in there and erasing pm conversations, not knowing that I have a way to see his keystrokes anyway.
The Paypal account we had was connected to my bank account, so I went in yesterday and disconnected it. Other than that, he has pretty much no access to any of my financial assets other than our furniture. I have bank accounts in the US and in the country in which we live, but only my name is on them. He's very much a 'pay with cash' kind of guy. He hasn't had a debit card since we left the US.
Even now when he's trying to find things on Ebay, he still asks for my help because he can't spell to save his life. But even that will be mostly useless to him since up until now, he had things delivered to my US address (he cannot enter the US, he's barred)...and then I would bring them home. It's actually kind of funny in a sad way how much he has to lose when we break up.
So really, I would only use it if:
1) you need it for evidence for D. Then pay someone else to do it if you can, or get a friend to go through it first, to spare you the pain.
2) you are in the post-initial confrontation stage and you are seeing if he is covering up tracks or doing what he says he's doing. Really you only need a week to do this. If you find one thing, then you have your answer - you don't need to keep doing it unless you need the evidence for D.
3) you have a gut feeling he is acting out.
I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying if it is difficult or takes an inordinate amount of time, then don't do that particular method. And try to only do it when you really need it. It is so easy to get sucked into this and wonder where all your time went.
This way, if he decides he doesn't want to move out after all...I will kick him out and have the ammo to do it with.
After all those years of looking me in the eye, lying and gas lighting, I don't know if or when I will ever be able to trust him. For my own sanity, it's the only way I feel like I can try to protect myself and it will just be a bonus if I end up with some evidence.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 4:58 PM, October 25th (Friday)]