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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Marlie- I relate to this 1000%."

jzkc: Thank you so much! I can't tell you how good it feels to know that it's like that for other spouses of SA. I got so tired of being groped while I was cooking dinner, groped while I was brushing my teeth, grinded on while I was washing dishes...and all the time I felt guilty that it was annoying rather than flattering! I remember once finally admitting to him that I felt like he viewed me as a piece of meat rather than his wife when we were 'intimate,' and he was really upset. Well, no wonder!

PS: If my quote didn't come out right, it's because I haven't figured out how to "quote" another member yet.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I'd like to vent just a teense.

I'm not at all being successful with the 180. WS, although he has moved out, still comes over to sleep sometimes. And he wants to sleep in the same bed, with an arm wrapped around me, etc.

He also brought me flowers on Monday. On Tuesday, he sent me a message on FB and called me a pet name. But I have his FB password, so I logged on later and saw that ten seconds after he finished his FB conversation with me, he sent a message to an ex-employee of his, a pretty young girl, calling her "beautiful" and offering to take her to a party on Saturday night and that he would bring the beer.

When he came to the house yesterday, I confronted him about it and asked if they were lovers. He denied it (of course) and I told him that even though we're not living together, he should at least stop screwing around and going to these drunken parties while he's still my husband and still sleeping in my house, in my bed! I felt it was really disrespectful that he wouldn't bother to keep his pants zipped up at least until we had some kind of legal closure going on, or at least until he was "completely" moved out.

At first he tried self-justifying, but in the end he admitted that it was wrong and hurtful (probably because I was crying) and that he wouldn't go to the party. Whatever. He apologized but still asked if he could sleep in our house instead of his own.

Let me add: he's been working on the house since he decided to move out, trying to make it a safe and comfortable place for me to stay. He keeps saying he's trying to make this transition easier on me. This week he's finishing up with that by painting the house. That is the last thing he was going to do as far as improvements to the house go.

The thing is, I am thisclose to becoming a citizen of the country in which we live by virtue of our marriage. Once that citizenship comes through, I can legally own our house. He has agreed to allow only my name to be on the title. I really, really want this. I worked hard to pay for this house (yes, it's paid for! no payments, no rent!) and spent a lot of time and $$$ going through the immigration process, and I don't want to lose everything I've invested.

So...as much as I'd like to tell him 'give me your house key, you are not welcome here,' I don't feel that I'm in a position to do it yet. At least until he's signed the citizenship petition (hopefully that can be done next week, just waiting for a document to arrive at the immigration office), I don't know exactly how to behave.

Maybe I can set some boundaries without risking my citizenship and home ownership? I'm thinking probably boundary #1 is no more sleeping in the same bed. At all.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie, have you retained an immigration attorney? That should be your first step. Do you have it in writing that your STBX will put the home title in your name? Do you have all your contributions to the mortgage well documented?

No one here can give you legal advice, and the stake are extremely high for you. You need to be talking to experts - attorneys - about all of this.

As for boundaries, you know yourself that this man should not be sleeping anywhere near your bed. If I was you, I would get an immigration attorney and a lock on the bedroom door. You are allowed to put up a lock. He can take it down, but at least you're making a statement by putting it up. Even if you are not a US citizen yet, it does not mean that he should be climbing into your bed after everything he's done - and continues to do.

I hope the papers come through soon.



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope,

Thanks for the advice. Let me clarify that I am a US citizen; however, I am not living in the US but in his country of origin. I am about to become a dual citizen of that country as well as the US, where I was born.

In this country, it is not so common to have an immigration attorney. The immigration process is relatively straightforward. I have seen a divorce lawyer who recommended that we not initiate any kind of separation or divorce proceedings until the ink has dried on the citizenship papers.

There was not a mortgage on our house. Again, this is not the US. We bought it from another person and paid them over a period of eight months. I have no proof that I contributed, but he has no proof that the money came from him, either. What we have are receipts showing that the payments were made. We never paid for the title, as that is very expensive. This is why there is an opportunity to obtain the title and to choose at that time whose name to put on it. WS does not have the $$$ to pay for the title; I have been the main breadwinner since we came here. The title cannot have my name on it, however, until I become a citizen at which point I gain the right to own property here.

However, it would probably be a good idea to sit down with my WS and ask him if he is willing to sign something that says that the house will be put in my name. I don't know how binding it would be legally, but it may help. Perhaps I could consult a real estate attorney here about that.

You've given me some ideas, anyway. And I need to figure out a way to get him to detach without getting angry and retracting the agreement we reached. As I said, so far he is bending over backward to make the separation easier on me except for his cake-eating. THAT I could do without.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Marlie,
I just want to give you a little (unsolicited) advice - the type you would find on the Separation and Divorce forum. Your husband has major problems, and you need to protect yourself legally and financially, especially since you're so far from home and so isolated from your family. I think it's a great idea to consult with a RE attorney.

Your husband has shown you who he REALLY IS recently. Please remember that as you go forward. He is probably feeling guilty right now, and he's undoubtedly in denial that you will really leave him. This is par for the course in SA.

But this will change. It changes in every single SA divorce. Once he knows you're serious, he will probably not be the same accommodating guy that he appears to be right now. Please expect the worst and protect yourself.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc: Thank you so much! I can't tell you how good it feels to know that it's like that for other spouses of SA. I got so tired of being groped while I was cooking dinner, groped while I was brushing my teeth, grinded on while I was washing dishes...and all the time I felt guilty that it was annoying rather than flattering! I remember once finally admitting to him that I felt like he viewed me as a piece of meat rather than his wife when we were 'intimate,' and he was really upset. Well, no wonder!

YES! ALWAYS he'd be coming up behind me, groping, can never just touch without it turning into more, always showing me he gets hard. I was just thinking the other day, I have always felt objectified by him. He says I don't dress "slutty" enough, wants me to wear very tight things even when I tell him I'm uncomfortable, and I like the way I dress. It would get to the point I'd cave and wear whatever tight-fitting revealing dress he'd want, then when guys would hit on me at a bar he'd erupt, start a fight and we'd get kicked out.

I also want to say, because I was pulling away emotionally, I almost was feeling violated during sex. He'd want to finger me and I'd object and he'd just push my legs open and say "I can touch my wife if I want". Yea thaaaaats how to make me feel loved and secure.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope: Will do, as soon as I can. Perhaps as early as Saturday I could do this. When I get home I'll look through the yellow pages to see where I could find a good real estate lawyer. Because so many of my decisions right now do hinge on me wanting to be sole owner of the house. I am a permanent resident in the country; who knows? Perhaps I could start those proceeds now (I mean putting my name on the title) rather than wait for the citizenship to come through. I always understood that I had to be a citizen to own property, but perhaps there's some kind of an exception.

I find WS's attitude really puzzling. I'm not leaving him; it's vice-versa. At the same time, everything he's been doing has only served to prove the point that even if he changes his mind about a divorce, I am divorcing him. We are not going to reconcile. Period.

I find it amazing that he can message me on FB and call me pet names and bring me flowers and then turn around and message a young girl and tell her he'll pick her up on Friday night to take her to the party. Like, what the ????? He changed his FB password so he thinks I can't read his messages, but I figured out what his new password was in about two seconds! So I know what he's doing anyway.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for things to turn nasty. I know that it may well happen, which is why I am anxious for him to leave...but sign that citizenship petition first! Then he can stay as far away as he likes!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it amazing that he can message me on FB and call me pet names and bring me flowers and then turn around and message a young girl and tell her he'll pick her up on Friday night to take her to the party. Like, what the ????? He changed his FB password so he thinks I can't read his messages, but I figured out what his new password was in about two seconds! So I know what he's doing anyway.

That's how they are. Incredible. Its the same way my WH on our HONEYMOON could book me a massage so he could call esocrts there, and "forget his phone in the hotel" so he could leave me on the beach and hit a strib club for an hour....only to return and be sweet as pie to me.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
PollyA
♀ New Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am overwhelmed every time when I read these posts. LOve and hugs to (((((((EVERYONE)))))))

I am sad often. I don't even have NEW activities to be sad about, but I'm sad. YOU all are so inspirational and strong.

I'm not sure that I can go forward even though he's not acted out or had a slip. DD 4 mnths ago.

I'm not even sure if he's SA, or a selfish asshole narcissist. Either way, I'm not sure I'm up for continuing. 6 years of having sex with strange men, putting his penis in dangerous locations then putting it in me....not sure I can EVER forgive that, no matter how much he "changes".

Do they ever really change?


BW - 2 x's
WH - SA
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy
DD2 - 8/2013 - 75 anonymous men

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NYC
PollyA
♀ New Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am overwhelmed every time when I read these posts. LOve and hugs to (((((((EVERYONE)))))))

I am sad often. I don't even have NEW activities to be sad about, but I'm sad. YOU all are so inspirational and strong.

I'm not sure that I can go forward even though he's not acted out or had a slip. DD 4 mnths ago.

I'm not even sure if he's SA, or a selfish asshole narcissist. Either way, I'm not sure I'm up for continuing. 6 years of having sex with strange men, putting his penis in dangerous locations then putting it in me....not sure I can EVER forgive that, no matter how much he "changes".

Do they ever really change?


BW - 2 x's
WH - SA
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy
DD2 - 8/2013 - 75 anonymous men

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NYC
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((Hugs, Ladies)))))))))

Just wanted to pop in and say I am thinking of you.

My H has been given the choice of D or go to group therapy; he didn't go to group this week (2nd week in a row) bc he "needs another week to read and mentally prepare myself."

So that's my update. Court date still set for Jan. Oh, and he hacked into my email.... Not sure why or what his motive was.

PollyA, so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are in processing mode. You are feeling the feelings, rather than avoiding them. It is a necessary process. Hugs to you during this difficult time. As for your question, I think some can change; you have to watch actions. But, even if they do truly change, any of it can be a deal breaker for you and that is ok. It's completely up to you to decide what you want.

jzkc - I am so sorry for your H's actions. You were feeling violated by him bc he DID violate you! His behavior is NOT ok.

(((((((SA spouses)))))))


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in JFO but wanted to follow-up here, it further enforces what Hath told me that he for sure was meeting up with escorts...

The bolded ones are the calls/texts right before and after honeymoon...honeymoon was May18-25.

So with all this activity with the obvious "favorite", while in Honolulu on the honeymoon he chose to contact LOCAL escorts. It was 2 numbers, but they were both local to Honolulu. This just solidified for me that he was trying to meet them/did meet them. IF his story were true that he only called/texted them to chat or make him feel desired and sexy, then why not just continue with this number for example? The time difference in time zones was only 6 hours so its not like he NEEDED a local number ya know? I'm so sick with anger and disgust. How could he do this to me on our honeymoon? What a pig.

Calls:
April 23 (3 times)
April 25- 2 minutes
April 26- 6 times (one was for 3 min)
May 3- (4 minutes)
May 7
May 10 (4 minutes)
May 11 (2 minutes)
May 13
May 14

June 4- twice
June 5
June 6
June 9
June 10- (3 times) 2minutes
June 14
June 27
August 3- 2 minutes
Aug 11 (twice)


Texts:
April 23
May 3
May 9 (4 texts)
May 10 (7 texts)
May 13 (5 texts)
May 25- 6 texts

June 5
June 10
June 17
Aug 3 (1 being a multimedia message) 8 texts
Aug 10 (first was an outgoing text message) 27 texts

[This message edited by jzkc1502 at 9:17 AM, November 25th (Monday)]


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((jzkc1502)))))

Are you working with a therapist to detach from him and this situation? I did the same thing as you for a while, collecting all this information and obsessing over it like you.

Detaching would be so good for you.

Any therapist would tell you that you have enough information. You know what he has done - and who he really is. These phone lists show you very clearly.

(((HUGS)))



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((jzkc1502)))))
Are you working with a therapist to detach from him and this situation? I did the same thing as you for a while, collecting all this information and obsessing over it like you.

Detaching would be so good for you.

Any therapist would tell you that you have enough information. You know what he has done - and who he really is. These phone lists show you very clearly.

(((HUGS)))

I have had an individual session with our MC, but over the last few months have detached emotionally from him. There;s no amount of "I'm sorry" that can make this go away.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So just now I came home and WS was in the house waiting for me. He asked me if he could move back in.

I said that he could only move back in if he was making major changes. He implied that he *would* if he moved back in. I replied that he could move back in once I SAW that he was taking those steps.

He hung his head sadly, said that he knew I didn't want him back, and left.

I know it sounds pathetic. But for at least the next hour I had a strong urge to drive over to his place to talk about it some more.

Only I'm afraid that if I did, I'd see him there with some whore. Because that's the nature of the beast, isn't it?

I wish he wouldn't confuse me so much. He must know that I want more than ANYTHING to have my happy marriage back. But how can I want him to move back in when he has not done a single thing to change or address his tremendous issues?

A small side note: it was a relief that he didn't insist that I have no right to keep him from living in the house. Technically, I don't. But instead of forcing the issue, he simply left.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*bump*


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie. I know it's impossibly hard to be strong in the face of the pathologically adept lies and coercions of the Sex Addict. Add that to the fact that you have to play nice, be a bit of a manipulator yourself to get the real estate crap sorted out. I must say, your response to him was absolutely amazing, which is probably why you didn't get any responses. No one here could have done better. YOU were absolutely spot on, strong, direct and correct.

Sex addicts CAN change. But it really takes years. Even though my husband has been "sober" for 101 weeks, he is still a mess of a person, dealing with FOO issues that directly affect our relationship in a negative way. Not that all of us don't have issues that we have to work on, but add that to addiction and the damage they do is magnified. I've said it before and I'll say it again; if I knew then what I know now, I would NOT have stayed married, meshed my finances and NOT have had kids with him. I and they are damaged in ways we will never recover from.

Hang in there. Pamper yourself and pat yourself on the back for your strong stand in the face of the devil!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice Scardey...

Your

if I knew then what I know now, I would NOT have stayed married, meshed my finances and NOT have had kids with him. I and they are damaged in ways we will never recover from
hits me so close to home now. While I've been with WH for 9 years, I'm 29 and still have hopefully another 50-55 years ahead of me to spend with someone who isn't a cheater


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I do thank my lucky stars that we didn't have children together. I feel incredibly sorry for his own kid(s), though. I'm pretty sure that little 4 1/2 year-old boy is his...poor kid got the short end of the stick because Daddy was afraid his wife would find out that his stick had been in Mommy instead.

And our finances aren't really meshed, either. Just the house.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well then, Marlie, JKZ,and anyone else who is detaching, do yourselves a favor: Find excellent IC, figure out how to avoid a similar relationship in the future. I TRULY don't believe we did this to ourselves, I simply DON'T BUY that definition of codependency even though *I* fit the profile like a glove. Oh, I surely became codependent and enabling but my SAFWH grew to be an asshole, or he was an extremely adept actor. In any event, it's essential that you get help to HEAL from this trauma. YOU CANNOT DO IT YOURSELF. We partners are trained to isolate, we can't reach out to others and tell them these deep dark truths of our marriages. We MUST. We can't be whole unless we work some kind of recovery ourselves.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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