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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other day I confronted WH about why on our honeymoon did he have to call local escorts in Honolulu vs calling the ones he had contacted so often from back home...like the one he was contacting a few days before we left, and texted 6 times the day we returned from Hawaii. He said it was because is Craigslist app would default to the location you were in. I hate having to doubt if this was true. But honestly, does this even matter??? The point is he was still trolling for them, and he still could have just contacted one from back home instead of actively seeking for them there. Because of this answer now I go, am I making too big a deal of this? I need to scream to myself "NOOOOOOOOO" your husband was contacting escorts on your honeymoon you idiot!!! GAHHH!!!

I KNOW the answer to this, but I don't think I can express it well yet. I used to do the same thing. He is lying to you, gaslighting you, driving you nuts, but you can't prove it 100 percent. So there's always a little bit of hope - and I mean, who WOULDN"T want to believe that it's not true?

But it's a crazy dance. He's literally making you crazy, or at least sound crazy to normal people. Please don't let him do it. I suppose you could spend a lot more time making lists of phone numbers and calling CL to find out more about how their app location default services work, but does it really matter???

He's a liar and he's making you completely obsessed. I've written this before: I really think you need more help from a good, strong psychologist to help you detach.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Hope said. I cannot overemphasize the incredible damage that is done to the minds of those of us married to SAs. We become completely STUPID when we talk to them. They talk circles around us. I am a smart woman, I had a successful career, two master's degrees, near 4.0 GPA. He completely snowed me for years.

Jane, you will detach when you will. I wish I could get you to do it sooner rather than later for your sake. He ISN'T in any kind of recovery. If and when he gets there, it will be years before you see real progress. I can only tell you that if I knew then what I found out later on I would NOT have wasted so many years with a severely sick relationship...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you all, he is not in recovery at all and he had a major relapse, not a slip like I said before, when he went to the strip club, now thinking about it it's just as bad as calling a prositute. I also find it completely unacceptable and I freaked out when I found out, specially because I FOUND OUT by my own means, because I snoop, because case in point, he won't tell me crap like this.

It was his interview week so he said it was really weird for him to back out or say I don't do that stuff because he would be insinuating that the boss is a bad guy because he does, and which is why he had to tell him about the addiction and why he can't go to those places again. Whatever, I did not want to hear it. It's all excuses to me. I hate strip clubs

I have made up my mind to give him a deadline to get his act together or I'm leaving and not coming back unless I see some real recovery going. This is ridiculous.

I feel so stupid, it's not like you ladies didn't tell me. I clearly remember I was told "since you are out of the house already don't come back until you see strong sustained recovery for a period of time" but I didn't listen :(

Jzk - I know exactly what you mean... For 2 weeks I knew that my H was calling escorts because I googled the numbers, yet he didn't admit to it, he said they must have been massage parlors because he had never called an escort.. And I so wanted to believe that.. Deep inside I didn't, but I had that little hope that it wasn't true. It wasn't until I found the secret email account that he had no choice but to admit to everything, but if I didn't have evidence he would have never told me. But listen to the little voice, that's the one that telling you the truth., not your H :(

Scaredy, your words always replay in my head, always. I need to find strength from somewhere. I was so detached at the beginning, I don't know why I don't feel that way anymore, I don't like this feeling, it makes me feel weak. I've just been so depressed lately maybe that's why. I don't know. How do I even begin detaching again?


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are codependent. Hate that term, but it fits some of us, some of the time. I think about all the times I was completely alone, raising my kids, running from activity to activity because Daddy was "working." I remember watching my kids practically drooling as other dads played with their sons in the pool, but their dad couldn't be bothered, the music was too loud (oh yeah , but the music in strip clubs is quiet, classical piano concerti right?) I remember late, late nights sitting by a window, compulsively redialing his cell phone, only getting voice mail. And I remember his worsening abuse, the diminishing of my self esteem, my complete breakdown when I found out that for 25 years of my life, the person I loved, trusted,and supported 150% had been actively trying to find a replacement for me everywhere he went.
I don't want that for you!
You set strong conditions, you stick to them and you hefty bag his things. Then you move on. One day at a time.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc,

I see you are struggling with making sense of all the calls he made. An idea struck me, which may not be for everyone, but Im not really above doing anything that may help clear something up for me.

Why not ask your husband exactly what he would text to these women, then, using his number (especially to contact his "favorites") send them texts and see what goes on. Type to them what he "claims" he would, and see how they respond. See if they are willing to engage in sex talk without meeting. See if they recognize his number. Maybe they will reveal information about past contact/meetings.

Just a thought, but maybe you could get to the bottom of things.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc,

I see you are struggling with making sense of all the calls he made. An idea struck me, which may not be for everyone, but Im not really above doing anything that may help clear something up for me.

Why not ask your husband exactly what he would text to these women, then, using his number (especially to contact his "favorites") send them texts and see what goes on. Type to them what he "claims" he would, and see how they respond. See if they are willing to engage in sex talk without meeting. See if they recognize his number. Maybe they will reveal information about past contact/meetings.

Just a thought, but maybe you could get to the bottom of things.

Problem is this is from 3 years ago Yes I rug swept that long. I'm also not above doing anything, but what would stop me is I own my own business and and not a hooker really would, but a simple google of my cell # brings up my name, business, etc.

I guess at this point, I at least know there was sex talk he has admitted to that. What I don't know if if they were scheduling meetups.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are still payphones out there. Hard to find, but available...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
stabbed81
♀ New Member
Member # 37686
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about google voice?


Me-BW 32
Him-33 Sex addict x 5 years
Married 7 years together 13 years
3 year old DD

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Bay area
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burner phone. It's not a bad idea for any spouse of a SA to get one anyway, so you can call and talk to a lawyer freely, to S-anon friends, etc without your SA knowing what you are doing. Go pay cash for a pay as you go phone, text the hooker numbers, say you are WH and you have a new number.

But first call a CSAT from that phone and make an appointment, and then make those other calls right before the appointment, because you will need therapy after you find out the truth and you won't be able to unsee it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, the things we resort to. And to think a few years ago I had to Google "lap dance" because I was just that naive.

Crap. All of it.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
rbf1234
♀ Member
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New to this thread. 13 months after DD#1, last week and again today there were new disclosures, and he now accepts the label of sex/love addict. Went to his first meeting this past weekend.

His profile is a bit unusual. Never exhibited any of the SA behaviors until after age 40. (Though lying began as a child.)

Since I am too tired to research anything, can I ask you:

1. Seriously, what hope is there for him?

2. Does he absolutely need a CSAT? His current IC has experience in addiction generally.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes....sent you a PM. CSAT is essential. If you can,get to an Sanon or COSA meeting. The people there will know names of therapists who are CSATs, or nearly certified.
The first page of this thread has resources for you.
(((((((rb)))))))


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everybody!I've been lurking a lot mostly because I haven't felt like I had anything useful to contribute.

Things here have calmed down considerably. SAWFH has been very consistant in recovery mode. At least, I think. He is answering questions now that he said he couldn't a few months ago however, we have never done a full disclosure. Each time we have a conversation I hear something I haven't heard before. Some little detail surrounding the acting out that amounts to being tased. Those little *jolts* of reality that pull the floor out from under you and send you scrambling for something to hold on to. All in all, I know that my sanity is slowly returning however, I still stay on high alert and on guard, just in case.

I 've continued reading everything I can get regarding SA yet still can't get my head around it. I'm still trying very hard to accept that this is my new *normal* but, that word, normal is so relative isn't it? Some days I'm very appreciative of the hard work H is doing but, still a lot of days I'm just pissed off that he could ever let this happen.

jzkc, I know how much you want to hold on to the hope that it's not what you think it is. How you hold out that you've misread something somewhere but, you are only kidding yourself. I'm still so angry at myself for not seeing the red flags waving at full mask. It still blows me away how my mind tried to protect me from the harsh reality that I ended up having to face head on. The crash that ended life as I knew it.

I am heavily invested into this marriage and will stay as long as I can see him working toward recovery. I already feel closer to him than I have in many years but, it's hard to think the day will ever come when I won't feel the need to check behind him to make sure I don't get blindsided like that again.

Holding you all in the *Light*


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a day. Met with CSAT for Full Disclosure. This was only about the timeline of the affair. Very few surprises, and not to diminish the significance of it, it was mostly that they shacked up in our city's finest luxury hotels before the AP got her own place. So it was timeline of the affair + an accounting of all of the money spent. Probably somewhere in the range of $50K over 2.5 years. Still haven't heard any details about the pornography addiction. The CSAT said that was his fault…that should have been included in the disclosure. Though it began before we were married, it certainly had an impact on our marriage/sex life/intimacy/communication. I expressed that this gap in information needs to be addressed. The disclosure statement itself took almost 3 pages, single spaced, small type size.

I also raised the fact that a few of his friends were in on the affair such as providing venues. One example was that APs friends were provided as potential partners to my SAWH's friends in exchange for them keeping quiet and providing the venue (someone's family member's vacation home). Klassy. So not only is he a cheater, he's also a pimp. ETA. My point in this is perhaps these friendships need to be examined. What is the quality of friendships like these? Life is short and you want to spend your energy investing in people like this? Your friends who "support you no matter what you do." Ok…so you are a heroin addict and they support you shooting up. That's a great friend. An affair is equally as self destructive and has innocent victims and collateral damage.

What have any of you done about your SAWS's "bad" friends? How has this been addressed? I'm not saying he "can't hang out with X, Y and Z," but I am saying that he should examine his definition of friend. He should examine if his friendships help him remain sober or if they are self destructive in some ways.

One of the things I am feeling the heat over in MC is that I am allowing myself to live in the past. That I need to live in the present. Good gracious…the affair was 2.5 years. I only learned the complete timeline of it today. I've been betrayed, devastated, my kids have been affected. I was forced to create my own timeline and figure out answers on my own because SAWH, up until very recently, was not forthcoming and chose to lie, lie to cover up lies and when confronted, not admit the entire truth. I can't have time to process all of the sh*t that has gone down? I'm supposed to snap my fingers and change my mind and not remember that this person is capable of injuring me? Generally speaking, the MC has been very helpful. But on this, I don't know. She even mentioned in the last session (not today) that the week after disclosure we'll start to work on forgiveness. I told her flat out I am not ready for that. That's when I got the lecture about living in the present. Before this happened, he had all of my trust…and this is what he chose to do with it. So in a sense, this is what my marriage has been about. This is what I learned results from giving complete trust to my husband. This is what he has taught me. And now he wants forgiveness. Not. So. Fast.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:08 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc, I know how much you want to hold on to the hope that it's not what you think it is. How you hold out that you've misread something somewhere but, you are only kidding yourself. I'm still so angry at myself for not seeing the red flags waving at full mask. It still blows me away how my mind tried to protect me from the harsh reality that I ended up having to face head on. The crash that ended life as I knew it.

I agree. I've been keeping a little journal of sorts on my phone just to get out my thoughts about everything. Something I've noted that the thought that your husband is actually having sex w/ escorts is so revolting and shocking its like my mind won't even let me fully accept it. Secondly, I hate when WH gets really mad at me that I even bring up that I think he met them when he;s all like "I wouldn't do that! How can you think that?!" I'm like, Okkkkk I never thought I find hundreds of calls and texts to them, so I'm just supposed to guess where you drew the line? And on top of that, I'm supposed to believe you now? That you have soooooo much self control you limited yourself only to the disgusting behavior of calling/texting?

He made is IC appointment today with the therapist. Then we'll make an appointment for our 3rd one together at MC with him (I had my IC session 2 weeks ago).


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 1:22 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So... I was avoiding facebook, due to triggers... but I went there the day before yesterday, and...

I follow Jada Pinkett-Smith, she says some profound shit sometimes... and lo and behold she posted:

"I had an epiphany for those of us who have been disappointed or hurt by the addicts in our lives that we love. An addict can't see what is in front of them because they are too busy running from what's behind them. The addicts we have come across have been blinded by their own pain as well by the substance they have chosen to numb it. It's not our fault they couldn't show up.

We are and were... enough.
J"

Just when I needed it most. So I thought I would share.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1988 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Woman)))) that is so tough. I'm so sorry. Financial infidelity is also so hurtful, I don't even know how much money my H has spent on his APs but just the thought of it makes me want to and it's devastating.

I totally agree with you that you need your time to process things. You don't even have a full disclosure yet. You can't rush someone to forgive and move on from the past , specially when so much devastation has been done. I think only you will know when you are ready to start forgiving.

I always think about "fake it til you make it" because it works most of the time. But for something like this I often question it, like why should I??? Why should I fake it and make it easy on my H after all he has done. Ugh, I don't know. But hugs to you and hope that you are allowing yourself time to heal.


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Stead for that quote. It's beautiful and it sure hits home


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that Stead. And thanks for the words of encouragement, SJ. I really appreciate the support.

I met with my IC today. We meet only 1x/m now because I am feeling a lot stronger. We discussed the disclosure, all of my concerns about feeling rushed to forgive, what needs to be done on SAWHs part to continue the progress.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
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