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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No,don't brow beat him. But don't stuff it,either. He needs to know when you are feeling bad and learn how to deal with it...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your thoughts. There's no one else who could possibly understand the precarious position I find myself in. Your support is absolutely priceless!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I posted this before, but Outta is having a real issue so it may have been looked over.

I've given my H an ultimatum - porn or me. Of course, he says me, but I'm sure he'll be hiding things, etc. We haven't finalized anything here at home, so when he says that he chooses marriage again, I'm going to tell him right there it's time to clean house, and get every piece of porn out of here. If he refuses in any way, giving himself time to make copies of anything, we're done. I'm not going through that battle.

So, other than this, what should I expect? He's of course denying he has a problem but he absolutely does. I think he knows it, because he cannot refute the things I say, but who knows.

Anyway, what's in store for me IF we get past today and throw it all away (and yes, I'll be destroying it first)?

Thanks - I really need some help here.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta-sorry I missed that about the record. I am confused because H and friends of ours all work in the medical field and they can absolutely delete and edit completely -- not just a strikethrough. I know systems differ but are you absolutely sure? I do completely understand though your predicament -- if you have to make a huge stink and go through multiple channels you will end up spreading the info further.

In your shoes, I would talk to the supervising doctor and explain your situation -- and the catch-22 you are in. Ask him to keep the conversation in confidence and NOT documented.
See what he can come up with and ask him to handle it with the same discretion he would apply to his own family.

I think I do understand. No matter how much we know it is their problem and their shame it is a struggle to regain our identity and self-respect. Staying with my H after this was not the person other people thought me to be if that makes sense. It doesn't matter that I am staying from a position of strength and for good reasons and am not even firmly committed to that position - - I worry that in the eyes of others I am now just another pathetic doormat.

Painfulpast, I understand and applaud your efforts but I think you can't address the behavior without addressing the underlying cause. Ultimatums mostly fail. Quitting cold turkey mostly fails. What your H needs is to enter into recovery -- with therapist, with support group, educating himself on porn addiction with books, etc. Save your ultimatum for recovery -- it is the big money in this.

[This message edited by cds22 at 3:42 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In your shoes, I would talk to the supervising doctor and explain your situation -- and the catch-22 you are in. Ask him to keep the conversation in confidence and NOT documented.
See what he can come up with and ask him to handle it with the same discretion he would apply to his own family.

I'm really appalled at this advice.

Outta, I've been thinking of you. Have you read any Brene Brown's work on shame? If not, you might want to check it out. She says that shame needs three things to grow, and you've got all of them in your situation:

Secrecy
Silence
Judgment.

In fact, SA Spouses face all of these issues.

PainfulPast - I am guessing that your ultimatum might just drive his porn use underground. He will learn to hide it better. And that's just a nightmare for you. I'm sorry.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not done any reading regarding shame. I've done some things that I'm not proud of but, I don't chastise myself. I've made some pretty bad choices in my life but, I've learned from my mistakes and become a better person IMHO. The only thing I beat myself up over is letting myself be so fooled for so many years. Otherwise, I don't really feel shameful.

The secrecy? Yes. I am keeping secrets but, I'm not ready to see the hurt in my children's faces or to watch what they have known as a fairly stable family to crumble. Aren't you supposed to work thru things as you are prepared to do so?

The judgment part confuses me a bit. My motto is judge not that you should be judged. I live by my faith and probably lean more to lenicy and forgiveness otherwise, I wouldnt be staying in this marriage. I'm not ridgid in measuring anyone else up to my yardstick. Maybe I'm not being objective about myself but....I'll have to think about that a little more.

cds, I was pretty broadsided by all of this and didn't think about the practictioner being able to delete the documentation. Thinking about what you have said, they may have more administrative abilities than I do. All of the entities use the same program and I know that if I need to make a correction in my own documentation that it will allow the edit but, still shows the original with a strikethrough. She works from a different facility so actually getting to talk to her is next to impossible because of my work schedule. As I mentioned earlier, I do have the capability to email her and that seems to be the fastest and easiest way to let her know of my concerns. Thanks for chiming in! I've been missing you!

CH, I'm curious at why this suggestion is appalling to you?

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:30 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful, I agree there is a very good chance the porn use will go underground if there is not treatment going on at the same time. I know my sawh would look at substitute porn (risque pix on fb, etc) shortly after I made it a boundary for example. So for the best success it needs to be part of a list of boundaries that includes other elements of recover - ic, 12 step, etc. Only time will tell if his intentions are where they need to be.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, brene brown is so dead on. Absolutely all three points, on the giving and receiving end, the spouses of SA. But I have to say, I would not want my my std exposure in my hr file at work, or files that my coworkers could see - and that is what outta is facing. It is one thing to own your part in shame, another to have your private info on display. Whether you stay with the sa or not, you should have some say in who gets to know. Unfortunately sometimes that is taken out of your hands.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Outta)))
I didn't meant that you are judging others, or that you are ashamed of your own behaviors.

You simply feel incredible shame right now over your husband's actions. So you keep them secret. And you're terrified of your co-workers' judgement of them. Secrets, silence, judgement = shame.

Anyhow, I hope that your colleagues are more discreet than you think they are. I have my fingers crossed for you. I believe that most people are good, and that this is something so serious that they wouldn't gossip about it. ESPECIALLY if children could find out.

(I read the other thread, and therefore I don't want to wade into the medical records debate here. I find it very interesting to see the differences in reactions between the two threads.)

Take good care over the holidays.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks CH. that gives me something to chew on and, I agree about the responses in the other forum. Not exactly what I expected but, I don't really know what I expected. I think I'll stay at home in this one from now on.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful, sorry if we missed your post...you can throw it all away, install every filter you know, watch him 24/7 and he will still act out unless he gets help. And he won't until he admits he needs it. He has to hit rock bottom. I've lived it with 3 addicts in my life. I didn't believe it either until it happened. Or really, when sobriety/recovery DIDN'T happen.

You truly have to give up the outcome. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIM AND HIS ADDICTION. That's harsh, and I'm so sorry, but it's true. The only thing you can control is you, your actions and what you are willing to put up with.

It's been said many times here on SI that you have to be willing to give up your marriage to save it. I'll venture to say that the ONLY SAs I know that have long term sobriety are the ones who either lost their families to this addiction or who KNEW they'd lose them if they didn't get sober.

Hugs to you. This is an awful, painful, ugly situation, unfair to us in every single way.

But you can't fix it by being his porn police.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. You are right. His porn was already underground, so I'm not worried about it going there. I told him tonight to give me his memory stick with his pictures on it - probably over 1000. He said he got rid of it in the spring. I told him I knew he was lying, and then he turns up with a stick he had just broken, so I couldn't verify, so I know it was a lie. I gave him my wedding ring. If getting a divorce isn't his rock bottom, then I don't need to care what is.

Again, thank you all. I am absolutely willing to give up this marriage to save it, or not. I can't control him, but I can control what I tolerate in my life, and this isn't it.

He won't admit a thing, so help is out of the question.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now he's acting like i'm the bad guy. Yes, it isn't your lies, it's me finding out. Screw him.

He'll be sorry later, but not now. Unfortunately, I'm barely sorry now. I've had too much from him.

Again, thank you all. Seriously, what I've learned the most is that there is life after a shitty marriage :)


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CH, I am also confused why it is appalling that I suggested outta talk to the doctor and see what he can do about deleting that aspect of her medical record??

She did not choose to share that information and specifically asked that it not be documented. I don't recall where it says that being married to a SA means that we forfeit our basic rights to privacy, to choose when and if to share, and to medical professionalism.

I feel strongly that this is no one's business except my own unless I *choose* to share this information. Obviously the whole thing is shameful, embarrassing, puts me and my children at risk in terms of our relationship with friends, family, and community members. And that is part of it--and not just due to my "shame" but due to the reality of this situation and my own I believe healthy desire to protect myself from further, preventable pain and humiliation. Part of it is also that it is MY personal business and I believe my feelings and my choice to share or not share it are worthy of respect.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((PainfulPast))) You'll get tons and tons of support on the S&D thread. I'm sorry it came to this - I don't know a lot about porn since my STBX's problems were different, but I agree that you cannot be the porn police. Life should be bigger and better than that.

You deserve better.

If you post your story there, I'm sure a few individuals will reach out to you with similar stories. They've got lots of good advice. I'll look for you there too. My divorce will be final by mid-January.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in BS questions for WS but thought it was relevant (probably even more so) here.

I'm curious about SAs returning to sex after DD. I'm just wondering what your thoughts/experiences (generally speaking not graphically of course) were about returning to sexual intimacy.

I think we as BS's of SAs have a set of circumstances than most BS contend with (but every affair has its own story, so maybe not). In our case we had not had sex in more than 7 years (sexless marriage even before affair started - this was my husband's choice, not mine - frankly, I gave up). We resumed having sex a couple of months ago, but I feel like there is still something missing. I feel like he is "phoning it in." He doesn't seek it out but he goes along with it, if that makes sense.

Just wondering if this is sometimes the case with SAWS's and if anything can be done to address.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, in a very weird turn of events, H agreed to counseling. I know I'll have to force the issue, and we will be living together, but not as a 'married couple'. We won't be seeing other people. We're just seeing how this goes.

I have very little hope at this point. I just wanted to give the update.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
scaredyKat
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Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to agree to a CSAT. Anything else is USELESS.
I just read your post in D/S. It's theorized that SAs are stunted emotionally at about the age the addiction began, childhood, probably. Sounds like your SAWH found his inner child...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your post in D/S. It's theorized that SAs are stunted emotionally at about the age the addiction began, childhood, probably. Sounds like your SAWH found his inner child...

Yes. I read the other thread too. You got excellent advice there, and it's all consistent. So you know what to do.

Frankly, I think he could use a CSAT *AND* a psychiatrist. God, the drama!

Hang in there.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful, he is a piece of work. I'm with Choosing Hope on this.

WIF, I will respond to your question but I am mad at SAWH right now so I better wait a while to do it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
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