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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Minor vent...certainly not in the league of the topics that have been here lately.

For many years SAWH and I did not exchange gifts at Xmas because my FOO was too excessive with gifts already. Then first Xmas after DD he insisted we did, and we exchanged minor gifts. The next one, last year, was after the failed polygraph so I am pretty sure I didn't get him anything, and if he got me anything, I don't remember it. Fast forward to now, first Xmas with no real drama on deck.

So I have been on a minimalist kick for some time, and didn't want more stuff in the house. So we agreed to just pretend to exchange gifts for the kids, but stuff we bought for ourselves that we actually needed and would have bought anyway independent of the holiday. I picked out a jacket, and he said he really wanted a Burberry scarf and I literally rolled my eyes at him. Then he found out how much they really cost, and then went to J Crew or something like that, found out their scarves were as much as my coat. Then for some reason he came home with a knit hat. Said, here, you are giving me this.

So now he's giving me a coat and I am giving him a knit hat. I told him, WTF. Does not look equal. And I am a crochet/knit hobbyist, I make those kinds of hats for fun. The kids are going to ask why I didn't make the hat, because I have made all their hats. Moreover, they may figure out I have never made him one and may ask why. And to make matters worse...he'd never wear one I would make anyway. Cuz in that respect he is a turd.

Now I am mad at him and questioning everything. Because little shit like this puts me in overdrive.

And yes I am aware he already has the greatest gift of all, that I am still here and he is not out on his ass. And he knows that too. But that's not something the kids need to know. And I try to tell myself they aren't going to notice anyway, I can't remember any gift my dad ever gave my mom and I helped him pick out most of them. :rofl: But it sucks that this is yet another consequence of his actions I have to endure. Pbbltt.



BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear Hath, it must be SAss season! I'm trying to stay focused on having a Merry Christmas and attempting to keep the demons in my mind away. The phone records from this time last year are burned into my brain. SAFWH was texting his favorite hooker on Christmas Day while I was in bed with the flu

My emotions were already running high over the last few days and I assumed that it was spurred by the whole medical records fiasco but, I caught him in a lie tonight. It was inconsequential but, his first reaction was to lie. He quickly realized that he had been had so he changed his answer but, the damage was done and, I freaked. Still am.

Thinking back, it's always been this way. Every damned time it looked like we were getting ready to have a great time, he ruined it. Every.single.time. And, he usually blamed me for ruining it. Another common thread?

As Blakesteele always says, God be with us all!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, outta, others...I do not celebrate Christmas (never have, in fact) so today and tomorrow are not really trigger days for me. Nevertheless, I'm thinking of all of you and wishing you peace during this time.

I have not seen WS since the night he began sobbing that he has become involved with a local gang. I posted about that a few pages ago but I think that others were having more painful problems at the time.

I do not want WS to die. I wish he would not continue down this path to destruction. I wonder these days if I'll get a knock on my front door and it will be the local police asking me to identify his body. Maybe that sounds a bit overdramatic but where I live is unfortunately infamous for this kind of thing.

The saddest part is that this is always what WS feared would happen with his son -- that he would get 'recruited' by these people and end up in jail or worse. Now it's WS who's associating with them.

I've been dreaming at night of WS. I see us before D-Day when I loved and trusted him and we had good times together.

Then I wake up.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Marlie) Two years ago, my SAFWH lost a member of his fellowship to suicide. People don't get that the risky behavior of SAs can lead to death. There are countless stories in SANON and SA of close calls and muggings related to encounters with dubious people...

As to the gift giving...oh yeah. Don't shower me with guilt gifts either, which is what I suspect is about to happen. I asked for specific things, some yummy, hard to find, but not expensive soaps, provided the websites, etc. I said CLEARLY, nothing big, I just bought myself an expensive lens I've been saving for. Now I'm being told not to go in the garage...

I think, in our case, it is part of my SAFWH's aspie tendencies. He is not good at reading emotions, and even if I spell it out for him he's afraid he hasn't "guessed" right.

Is there an acronym for beating one's head against the wall?


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2898 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, scaredykat. I guess part of my grief lately has been not just because I miss WS, but also because I'm afraid of what he will do next. His attitude seems to be that he does not deserve anything good and deserves to "die soon."

Today I had an overwhelming desire to see where he was living (he moved out about seven weeks ago but I had never been there before). When I got there, I saw only the front door before he escorted me to my car, got in it with me and talked with me for a bit. He said it was a terrible place, very ugly and uncomfortable (with a rat problem), but that he "deserved it." He also admitted that he was waiting for payment for doing some kind of underhand work that he 'couldn't tell me about.'

I reminded him that when we met, he was working at a dry cleaner's and living a very respectable life; therefore there was no reason why he could not get a regular job now and be respectable again instead of living this dangerous life in an attempt to punish himself for his sins. He cried a little when I said it, but he said "I just need to earn a little bit more and then I can reopen my old business" which tells me that whenever he's low on cash, he'll stoop to doing occasional odd jobs for the gang again.

Sometimes I feel like I've stepped through the looking glass.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never posted here. I have huge anger about my fwh, having to go every Friday night to meetings. I have huge anger, he needed to act out against his mother and transferred that to me. I have huge anger he is not able to stick with mirroring our conversations, as he has a different understanding of what is said and what image. I am angry today he knew I was sick, and stuck to his sch. Of going to drop things to his brothers, then on to a family gathering with his first wife's family. She died.

I had to take nausea medicine and took to much by mistake. I wasn't coherent when he left. I didn't resize he wasn't coming back. He called 2 hrs later I asked where he was. Opening gifts with the family. I said I thought you were coming home. He said shortly. At 6 he called was returning in my car I was hurt and felt abandoned. He made up lame excuses. I think I hate him. I think I am afraid of life without him I know I love him. I am just messed up.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope everyone is having a good week, or at least a tolerable one!

Marlie, I have to say I am worried for your safety. I fully accept I watch too many movies, but it seems to me a drug cartel is not going to care about the status of your relationship with SAWH. If they think he did them wrong, for whatever reason, and needed to retaliate, it would seem to me you or his son would be their first target. Also I would be wary he did not let you see his new digs. There is more that he is hiding that rats. If he's mixed up with those guys, there is not telling what he's got in there. Worse yet, he may have been in the middle of a transaction of sorts, and now they have seen you. Please be very very careful. Consider a security system at your home at the very least. Consider what it would take to move, if for no other reason than if you are forced to move, you know what your options are.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope everyone is having a good week, or at least a tolerable one!

Marlie, I have to say I am worried for your safety. I fully accept I watch too many movies, but it seems to me a drug cartel is not going to care about the status of your relationship with SAWH. If they think he did them wrong, for whatever reason, and needed to retaliate, it would seem to me you or his son would be their first target. Also I would be wary he did not let you see his new digs. There is more that he is hiding that rats. If he's mixed up with those guys, there is not telling what he's got in there. Worse yet, he may have been in the middle of a transaction of sorts, and now they have seen you. Please be very very careful. Consider a security system at your home at the very least. Consider what it would take to move, if for no other reason than if you are forced to move, you know what your options are.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,
Yes, I know it's scary. It's not very common here to have a security system, but I have beefed up my locks, my windows have bars (something that IS common here), I have a front gate with iron spikes on it now, and I sleep with a large, fierce-looking Boxer dog in my bedroom. It's true he wouldn't bite WS, but he would tear anyone trying to harm me to bits.

The stepson is 1,200 miles away, so he'll be fine.

I know that the sooner WS and I are actually divorced, the better. It's frustrating that he doesn't have an actual phone, just a stupid Nextel walkie-talkie. So the only way to contact him is to show up at his front door or leave a note on his car. I wish the process were faster.

If I had to move, I could move back to the US. I don't really want to, but if my situation becomes dangerous I could do so.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow thanks for the total disregard.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 243 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Prickle Patch... Many things prevent us from responding to new posts. The thread had been uncommonly quiet of late, the holidays are most likely to blame. And most of us are still dealing with our own pain to one extent or another. When we hear a new story it takes us time to formulate a response to that pain.

At least that's what has happened with me. It's been a tough week for many reasons.

I can totally relate to your story about you SAWH being gone, to meetings, resenting his mom and making you the scapegoat, him not being there for you the way he should be... BTDT. The thing is, addicts don't get it, they don't get any of it until they have significant sobriety and recovery under their belts. Years, sometimes.

Are you in IC? Do you attend a support group for spouses of addicts? You need to stop relying on him, I'm afraid. He's simply not reliable. He's an addict.

I think you should check out the Melanie Beauty book, Codependent No More. Also the book on the first page of this thread. SAs cause all kinds of dysfunction and trauma in the partners and unfortunately we are left alone to heal from it.

Hugs....


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2898 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure where to even start here I guess trying to see if this is "normal" for a SA or is SAWH has a mental disorder as well.

Last Thursday he admitted he is a SA and has been as long as he can remember - porn, men, prostitutes - you name it. He was so broken, so hurt and seemed like he really had hit bottom. I let him come home with a few "rules". Well, he never stopped the behaviors, go figure. Tonight I confronted him about his secret email, he FLIPPED and became a lunatic for lack of a better word. He was someone I was afraid of, he made no sense, he was paranoid, delusional, kept saying he wouldn't leave because he had done nothing wrong. He did all this in front on my 15 YO son, who was standing guard because he was afraid for me. This is a line SAWH has never crossed before - letting the kids see "this" side of him. I finally got him in the car (we only have one car) to take him back and he gets out of car and is freaking that he doesn't trust me. He looked so paranoid, I have never seen him like this. Should I be concerned with his mental health - like should I call someone - or is this an addict that was cornered and caught and freaked? Genuinely concerned for him.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sdl,

It sounds like narcissistic rage, to me.

http://www.sott.net/article/153745-Hurting-you-isnt-something-narcissists-do-by-accident

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 7:55 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 10907 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prickle, sorry. I feel that way sometimes, too...that I both hate and love him at the same time. My anger comes and goes.

I think someone else asked, but have you started IC for yourself? It has helped me a great deal so far. It's a safe place to express all the horror that goes with being in a relationship with a SA.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Prickle and anyone else feeling neglected by the thread this week...so sorry. I am pretty sure most of us are like me, when it is holiday time it is much harder to get quality alone time with my computer. I swear, I tried to go up in my room and shut the door the other day, and within 15 minutes every.single.member of the family came in to ask me something, even though I said to each of them as they left - I came up here to have some alone time, please don't bother me for 30 minutes. I can skim stuff with them underfoot but I can't really respond to posts with them interrupting me constantly. Point in case, just got interrupted twice writing this. So it will likely be slow through the weekend here.

Anyway, Prickle and others, yes, it is a big chit sandwich to have to be put on the back burner all the time for their recovery. Then they usually rub salt in the wound by not making us the priority with the time they have left over. Sucks big time. Like others said, time to detach and IC can help with that. Hugs!

Sodamnlost, how scary. Of course you know you have to have consequences for breaking your boundaries and for the narc fit. If he is seeing his IC, I would give them a heads up what's going on and anything relevant, like if he's been kicked out. And if he has a safe person in the know, like a sponsor, family member, friend, etc that he is likely to go to, I'd give them a heads up too. Other than that, that's all you can do. He has to decide to want help, whether it is addict speak or another mental health issue. I'd be focusing on myself and your son. Your son will need some counseling after something like that, and for what is likely to come. I am so sorry, you both do not deserve to have to deal with that fallout.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I belong here or not. Back story, I found porn on and off throughout the years while we still has a family desktop PC. Well, I would confront , he would stop and or learn how to delete the history better.

And then came smart phones. This gave him a whole new device that I rarely have access to. He had an EA and a few PAs that I am aware of. Just recently I started tracking porn on an old phone he uses like a small tablet at home in Wi-Fi.

I started tracking and documenting his history on his old phone that he still uses is Wi-Fi. Nearly everyday he has viewed porn since the start of October of this year. 3 months of watching porn everyday. And this is only what I am finding on the old phone. I do not have access to look at his current phone. It is always with him.

He has a specific kink that he likes to watch, not something I would be into. We do not have sex. Not at all. He hasn't tried in well over a year. I have tried and a few times we did during the first half of 2013 but there was no passion behind it, very mechanical. We live like roommates now.

He also plays a multi player online game that he texts with many players of his team quite often. I can't read those texts either.

I haven't confronted him with all that I know. Once I tell him I have been keeping tabs on the old phone I have given up my source. I was hoping that I never caught him on a hookup site but how would I know if I tell him that I have been snooping on his old phone?

Anyway, odd part is that I am mad but not crazymad. I am just tired. Tired of him being so vested in other things. The porn and the online game takes up so much head space for him. ANd it is activity that still makes me feel unsecure in my marriage.

I am tired of looking, tired of wondering. I love my husband, I want him to be happy but I am starting to wonder if I can do this. There is just so much water under our bridge. We get along only because I do not speak up about his gaming and the porn. I like to keep the peace. But my patience is wearing thin.

He used to only watch the porn when I wasn't home. Now he watches it even when I am home but he is in a different room.

I would also think he would get bored of the porn. He watches the same basic act over and over and over.

Thanks for reading this far. Are these flags of porn addiction?


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hitbyatruck, I'm no expert on this...but the fact that you reconciled and now he's not invested in the relationship is definitely a red flag.

Have you tried discussing it with him? When was the last MC you had?


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hit....from my POV and from the extensive reading and investigating I've done due to my own situation, you've surely got a quacking duck on your hands. Not only that, but your reaction...

We get along only because I do not speak up about his gaming and the porn. I like to keep the peace.

is textbook classic enabling. That's not to malign you. I'll bet he turns into a raging monster and/or a sulking little boy if you dare to bring it up.

The thing is, you deserve better. You deserve a H who is married to you and not to internet images. But as is true with any other addiction YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. What you can do is set boundaries about your own life.

Here's the difference.

Unhealthy statement (also useless) "I know you are looking at porn all night! This is crazy! You need to stop it!" He responds with statements about it being an adult activity, or denial or charges that you aren't going to control HIM!!!!

Healthy statement (you have to be prepared to follow-up) "I know you are looking at porn. It is interfering with us and our sexual life together. I want you to see a CSAT, be evaluated for SA, and follow up as they direct. I will not tolerate porn in my marriage. If you do not do this I cannot be here. I will (one possibility is moving his stuff out of your shared bedroom, the next step is obviously leaving the relationship.

Of course, he will most likely react with rage and defensiveness. The thing is, don't argue, just stick to your guns. You know what you know and you are going to do what is best for you in accordance with his actions.

Personally, I could never stay with an active addict of any kind. The stress is too much. In the case of an SA there is the added disrespect and danger inherent in the relationship as well as the continued trauma.

Once an addict gets into REAL recovery, they are truly changed people. They are living a life free of secrecy and shame, a life of integrity that they haven't had for a long time. But it takes a long time and the right kind of therapy.

You will need to DETACH. Don't Even Think About Changing Him. Decide where you can draw the line, set up your parachute and jump. Don't let the addict drag you to their level of depravity and shame.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:08 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2898 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healthy statement (you have to be prepared to follow-up) "I know you are looking at porn. It is interfering with us and our sexual life together. I want you to see a CSAT, be evaluated for SA, and follow up as they direct. I will not tolerate porn in my marriage. If you do not do this I cannot be here. I will (one possibility is moving his stuff out of your shared bedroom, the next step is obviously leaving the relationship.

That is a scary step. I fear he will just downplay the porn. And blame it on our non-existent sex life. At this point I do not want to have sex with him.

I can of course say that I will not tolerate porn in my marriage, following up...not sure how to do that. I am a SAHM without a degree. Telling him to do this or get out is very very scary to me. Which is part of the reason I haven't said anything.

Unhealthy statement (also useless) "I know you are looking at porn all night! This is crazy! You need to stop it!" He responds with statements about it being an adult activity, or denial or charges that you aren't going to control HIM!!!!

Thank you for pointing that out. That is probably exactly what I would have said.

We had not been in MC for years.

He seems like such a normal guy. No one would ever think he is watching vile porn on a daily basis.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. I was in a much better financial place when I figured it all out. I do know that addicts aren't happy in their addictions. They pretend to be, even think they are, sometimes.

Have a look at Milton Magness's web site. There is a link to the work of Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens. They do a lot with hurting spouses...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2898 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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