Have a look at Milton Magness's web site. There is a link to the work of Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens. They do a lot with hurting spouses...
My attempts at gentle intervention also resulted in insults and blame shifting. It truly took rock bottom,me tracking him down while he was IN a strip club, then SEEING the vile stuff he was accessing for him to finally get to a SA meeting. It was a turning point, but not the end of the journey.
But there are two important things to think about, your kids. Living with an active addict, of any kind is seriously damaging to them. Soul crushing for you, too.
Hugs. I'm holding you in the *LIGHT*
He is still not here. He keeps begging to come home. Promising the world to be home. I have fallen for that before. We spent like 12 hours on phone/text yesterday with him telling me his life story as an addict. Of course he lied when it came to our part of his history. A few times after I confronted the lies, he admitted the truth. Then a GIANT lie and he won't admit. I can't do this. I don't know why the lies get me like this. It's just all so damn stupid.
He's still using porn, he is still lying to me, he is still an active addict. He didn't even seem to feel bad when he admitted to using porn yesterday - the day he had me in a puddle as he told me more pieces of his life and of my own. Not once did he say he needed to stop he was having urges - nothing. He didnt teven try not to. He doesn't want to change. Today I will work on accepting that.
He has not hit rock bottom. He doesn't WANT to stop his secret sex life. He doesn't WANT his marriage or family. That's a hard concept to accept.
Its time to move on, I've spent enough years living his lies. I wanted nothing more than to be his partner. He wants nothing more than his addiction. He keeps showing me - it's time I listen.
They are. Their brains change in addiction. And for once we have to be selfish, think of ourselves and our kids. We can't let them pull us down further.
Get to a support group if you haven't already. You'll learn better how to cope and how to detach with love. And find kindred souls.
Trying wicked hard - never giving up.
He didn't even seem to feel bad when he admitted to using porn yesterday - the day he had me in a puddle as he told me more pieces of his life and of my own. Not once did he say he needed to stop he was having urges - nothing. He didnt teven try not to. He doesn't want to change. Today I will work on accepting that.
Have you taken a look at recoverynation.com? They have an amazing program for spouses AND addicts.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
If he sees a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and attends 12 step meetings and actively works the program then he has a chance for long term recovery
If you detach and give up any responsibility for his addiction, don't allow him to blame you, set clear boundaries and enforce them, then you will be happier and healthier. You should also be in therapy with a CSAT and attending 12 step meetings.
There are a number of excellent resources on the first page of this thread. Keep posting and feel free to read my profile and PM me if you need to. You and I are the same age, it's a hard road.
My SAfWH has about 2 solid years of recovery BTW.
There are online SA meeting AND SANON and COSA meetings. Some even use AA or NA meetings since the steps are the same. Addiction is addiction, although the substance used in sex addiction is so much more traumatizing to the spouse.
If there isn't a CSAT, I hope your IC at least is well versed in addiction.
Keep posting, there are lots of well educated people here. Unfortunately.
I always hesitate to give advice because I don't have a real grip on my own situation. I only wanted to tell you that you would do well to not believe anything he says right now. Addicts lie, lie, lie. They lie your face, on the lives of their children and on the graves of their parents and all that is holy without even blinking. Just hold on. This is the kind of stuff that happens to other people and was never on your radar. Period.
Just remember, if it walks like a duck and squawks like a duck, it really is a duck Keep posting honey. We are all on board this boat. Coming here is how I found out where the life preservers are stored.
I need to find a CSAT - I am really starting to see just how bad this is for me. It's been almost 2 weeks since I found out and it's starting to really sink in just how much pain and damage is in me now. WH hasn't found one yet - we shall see if he even looks. He saw his regular IC yesterday and asked me to go. He seems to be trying. Seeing just how deep the trust wounds are after his fake sobriety is intense. I'm still waiting and seeing but am pretty sure another fake sobriety will be the death of us. If he sees that or not is on him.
I start job hunting next week. I had to close my business - I couldn't handle it anymore or even pretend. I need a plan though - the rosy world I thought I would have with a WH who GOT IT and "JUST* had an affair is gone.
I am married to a sex addict. At any point during recovery he could snap and be in his other world again. I have to start REALLY planning for life without him. Not what I want but a life without him is better than a life with an active sex addict.
What a messed up journey this is. 2014 *WILL* be better though.
I realize I didn't put an update here about Friday night. WS came over and, while he was there, I checked my FB. I had a request on it from someone I didn't know. I looked at her page, and it was a very young girl, 18 or so (judging by her school pics which were only a few years old, and in this country one graduates at 15 or 16). Selfies, and nearly every one of them was a lame attempt to look sexy, like thrusting her hips out and pouting her lips. I thought to myself, "Who on earth is this, and why is she trying to friend me?"
It occurred to me that WS might know her. Believe it or not, it did NOT occur to me that he might be sleeping with her. So I asked him who she was, and he looked at me steadily for a minute and said, "She's the last girl I was with."
I was pretty angry that she had the nerve to try to friend me, and I asked him why she would do that. He replied that she wants him to be in a relationship with her but that he is not interested (he hit it and quit it, you know) so perhaps she thought that contacting me would help her achieve her aim.
I thought for a while about sending her a nasty pm and then blocking her forever...I even created a thread about it on SI...but I decided at last to ignore her pathetic plea for attention.
Then WS said something else that should have upset me but was more like extra icing on top of an already over-iced cake: She's pregnant and says he's the father.
Yep. So now I've changed my signature here to reflect this. This will be the SECOND bastard he's fathered since we've been married, although I only learned about the first one a few months ago (that one is 4 1/2 years old).
And not long after that, he began talking to me about how he wants to turn his life around, blah blah blah, and what could he do so that I would consider taking him back? Because he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me.
Since I'm still waiting on my stupid citizenship appointment (please GOD, let it be soon so I can file for divorce and stop this insanity), I did not tell him the truth -- that we are, in the words of Taylor Swift, NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER. Instead, I told him what he needed to do (STD tests, CSAT, paternity test for the first bastard, test for the second one when it's born, etc. etc.) because regardless of whether we ever got back together he needs to do those things anyway. I mean, how many more teenage girls does he need to knock up before he hits his rock bottom? Does he need to do a long stretch in the clink first? Because that's what it will come to.
Oddly enough, I was more upset by actually seeing the face of one of the little whores he cheated on me with and her attempt to contact me than I was to learn that she's pregnant. Her whore-spawn?
Not. My. Problem.
[This message edited by marlie2014 at 2:42 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]
Marlie…tread carefully (you already know this). SAs are very charming and manipulative. But sounds like you know this already. It IS hard to know what the APs look like…boy is it ever. The AP of my SAWH is involved in a start up he's involved with.
It's NYE, and obviously I'm reflecting on such a CRAZY year dealing with CRAZY people and a lot of drama - my own and some of the collateral damage that came as a result. I truly thought a divorce would be underway by now. My husband seems to be changing for the better…I hope that continues to be the case. The good thing is I have confronted some issues in my own life that I needed to address and so has my WH. The conclusion I have arrived at is this: regardless if you get involved with a co-dependent support group or not, it truly is best to focus on yourself, invest in yourself, inform yourself. It's really the only thing you can control in the chaotic world of SA and infidelity in general.
I'm here if you need to "talk" PM me...
A family law attorney will also give you some valuable and mainstream perspectives on your situation. They have seen it all.
It's hard to see this right now, but your life is not wasted. You will move on and rebuild. Dozens and dozens of women here have done it. I know them, here and in real life. NOTHING is worse or more humiliating than being married to a sex addict. I know it - I was married to one for 16 years (though I didn't know it most of that time).
Marlie, I don't know about the laws where you are living, but here in the United States, you ARE financially responsible for any illegitimate children, as long as you remain married to your husband. More than that, you are morally responsible. These are innocent babies. They did nothing wrong. Your husband must support them financially and otherwise.
I won't comment on the ages of the girls.
I know I will be OK. I'm not saying this doesn't scare the crap out of me - it does - but I will be ok. It's not real yet still, none of it is. I'm not feeling much of anything. What's there to feel really? Honestly it's his loss. I may mourn the man I thought he was but that wasn't ever real. So it's a good mourning. I want REAL. .
But the issue is YOU. I think it's likely that she is contacting you because she knows where the money is. YOU pay the bills. She wants you to either pay her to disappear or to foot the bill for her expenses. I agree, she knew who she was sleeping with, again, that may be her commodity, and she may be too young and stupid to see that she has options, and he is a creep who you will divorce as soon as you can.
You need to do what you can, as soon as you can, to get out of the marriage. DON'T engage her or any other OW.
And many hugs to you.