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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie...I think the posters in the other thread have a point when they talk about underage girls. But that really doesn't help you. And it's a society issue that is far too huge for us on a message board to fix. We all know that women are exploited and undervalued in this world. And that many women use sex as a commodity. It isn't just in other countries. How many of us have at least glimpsed the seedy underbelly exposed on the daytime shows that question paternity of someone's 4th child? Some of those are mom's who had their first child at 15, 16, some of those dads are also not paying child support for several children, many with very young girls.

But the issue is YOU. I think it's likely that she is contacting you because she knows where the money is. YOU pay the bills. She wants you to either pay her to disappear or to foot the bill for her expenses. I agree, she knew who she was sleeping with, again, that may be her commodity, and she may be too young and stupid to see that she has options, and he is a creep who you will divorce as soon as you can.

You need to do what you can, as soon as you can, to get out of the marriage. DON'T engage her or any other OW.

And many hugs to you.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I'm still waiting on my stupid citizenship appointment (please GOD, let it be soon so I can file for divorce and stop this insanity), I did not tell him the truth -- that we are, in the words of Taylor Swift, NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER

Marlie, may I ask, if you are never getting back together, why are you becoming a citizen of his country? Wouldn't coming home and moving on be the right choice at this time? I'm just wondering, as it seems like staying there may only prolong your connection to him.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredy, thank you.

Painful, I am becoming a citizen so I can own the house. If I want to go back to the US, I will do so with half the proceeds from the sale of my house in my pocket. I refuse to go back empty-handed.

Choosinghope, please stop attacking me for something that was not my fault. I tried to pm you but your box is full. Stop yelling at me in capital letters and trying to convince me that what my husband did is really, really wrong.

I don't need you to tell me that. I know what he did was horrible, disgusting, pick your adjective. That is why I am divorcing him.

I am not now nor have I ever been responsible for his actions. Isn't that the rule of thumb here on SI?

And I also made it clear here that this particular girl is NOT underage. She is a teenager, yes. 18 is not underage in this country or in the United States, so I'd appreciate it if you'd back off.

I'm here for support, comfort, sympathy, and good advice...not to be criticized for something I did not do and had no part in...as I just wrote in the other thread, I did not believe at the time of his arrest that the allegations could possibly be true, and I defended him vigorously because I was being gaslighted, not because I think statutory rape is A-ok!!!

How would the rest of you feel if I came on this board and shouted,

YOUR HUSBAND IS A SICK PERVERT WHO HAS SEX WITH PROSTITUTES!! THAT IS ILLEGAL AND EXPLOITATIVE!!! YOU ENABLED HIM!!!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredy, thank you.

Painful, I am becoming a citizen so I can own the house. If I want to go back to the US, I will do so with half the proceeds from the sale of my house in my pocket. I refuse to go back empty-handed.

Choosinghope, please stop attacking me for something that was not my fault. I tried to pm you but your box is full. Stop yelling at me in capital letters and trying to convince me that what my husband did is really, really wrong.

I don't need you to tell me that. I know what he did was horrible, disgusting, pick your adjective. That is why I am divorcing him.

I am not now nor have I ever been responsible for his actions. Isn't that the rule of thumb here on SI?

And I also made it clear here that this particular girl is NOT underage. She is a teenager, yes. 18 is not underage in this country or in the United States, so I'd appreciate it if you'd back off.

I'm here for support, comfort, sympathy, and good advice...not to be criticized for something I did not do and had no part in...as I just wrote in the other thread, I did not believe at the time of his arrest that the allegations could possibly be true, and I defended him vigorously because I was being gaslighted, not because I think statutory rape is A-ok!!!

How would the rest of you feel if I came on this board and shouted,

YOUR HUSBAND IS A SICK PERVERT WHO HAS SEX WITH PROSTITUTES!! THAT IS ILLEGAL AND EXPLOITATIVE!!! YOU ENABLED HIM!!!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for standing up for yourself, Marlie. Keep it up. It will empower you in the rest of your life.

SA takes that from us, sometimes, power. Don't let it.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Evil  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredy, I won't! I will keep my head held high. I am not ashamed of my actions.

At first, I felt horrible for defending my WS and supporting him when he should have gone to jail. However, after having read a very good book recommended here about sex addiction (by Claudia Black), I saw how many other women had walked in my shoes -- simply being unable to believe that their particular WS was capable of that kind of sick behavior, especially when he seemed so loving, charming and committed to the relationship.

I know now that I was being used by a master manipulator and that, in a sense, every female he's been with -- including me -- is one of his victims. Yes, I will acknowledge that.

However, I feel that someone telling me that the OW is a poor innocent victim deserving of pity and sympathy takes away my right to have anger against her, as if she had no responsibility whatsoever in the matter. How many other posters on this board would like it if they were told that the OW, of all people, deserves sympathy?!?!?

Even so, I know that in reality every person he's screwed deserves some pity, but none of the females who knowingly, willingly had sex with my husband will get any of that sympathy from ME. I believe I have a right to feel angry with them.

Let me go a bit further. The one who was involved in WS's arrest not only knew me and had been pretending to have a crush on my 18 year-old stepson in order to get closer to WS (and her little strategy worked perfectly, btw...oh, and she also "friended" me on FB and proceeded to "like" each and every single picture I had of WS there, but none of just me or me and the stepson...a red flag that I missed...), but in her deposition she described how much she enjoyed having sex with my husband and how crushed she was when he ended their "affair." She described being in love with him and hoping he would leave me for her. She only told her parents about it when he dumped her because she wanted revenge.

Will I ever find it in my heart to feel sorry for her as a poor innocent victim? Doubtful.

Besides that, she broke my stepson's heart. Imagine how you would feel if one of your children liked a girl, and that girl used your child to get close to your husband? The anger and resentment I feel against that girl has many causes, not just the intense pain she has caused me personally.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie, I can't keep track of your story. First she was 17, now she's 18, now your stepson is involved. It doesn't matter. You can be as angry as you want with me, and you can call the teenagers all sorts of disgusting names. But this isn't coming from strength; it's weakness, and it's powerlessness that is making you do this. I get it, and I do feel sympathy for you.

However, it's your husband that did all of this, not the multiple teenage girls.

I hope you find the psychological support you need to get through this and start focusing on the real villain here. And finally start your divorce before the police get involved again.

I'm sure Kat is right. She wants money, understandably.



Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing, it feels like yet again you are trying to make me feel bad. "Can't keep track of my story"? Sounds like "Don't believe your story."

I thought the current OW was 17 at first. Then I found out she's 18. BTW, you do not know what the age of consent is in this country, nor did you ask. You jumped to the conclusion that this girl is another poor innocent underage victim.

And, contrary to what you said, the girls did play a part. They did have sex -- willing sex -- with my husband. They are not innocent.

I didn't mention my stepson before, but do you think I'm making this up?

Ok, let me try to help you. I've only ever seen two of WS's AP's. One I knew personally, came to my home for a meal, was dangling after my stepson who swallowed the bait hook, line and sinker and fell for her. She pursued my husband and they had sex. That is not to say that he was her victim. I'm sure he manipulated her just as he did the others and his guilt is certainly greater in having taken advantage of her youth and inexperience. But she was no poor little innocent by a long shot. And she hurt my son, for which I will never forgive her.

The other AP is the one who tried to friend me on FB. And about that subject I started a thread in General, not knowing it would escalate into a 'let's all bash marlie for enabling a child molester' thread.

Ok? "Story" clear enough for you now?


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie, I don't want to engage with you anymore. I really don't want anything to do with this sort of situation. I

Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone, I want to apologize for hijacking the SA thread. It is not like me to engage directly in confrontation with people on the Internet. I let my emotions control my typing today. I felt I was being blamed for my husband's sick behavior and it hurt me. Then I felt that I was not being believed, and that hurt me more. But we all know how our lives can seem to outsiders...so crazy, so incredibly messed up that it is hard to keep track of the WS's escapades. I bet most of us don't even have enough fingers and toes to count them all. Which is incredibly sad.

I'm sending hugs to you all.

((all members of SA thread))


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I started a new thread, song dedications to the WS. Here's mine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9I9KlbJ9zI

And here's the English translation: http://lyricstranslate.com/en/rata-de-dos-patas-two-legged-rat.html


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
DOmomma09
♀ Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I just posted about my doubts regarding my SAWH's recovery on the general board. I was hoping some people here might have some experience and insight, and could read my post. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and so confused.. even though my SAWH has technically done everything I've asked of him, it seems to me to be just the bare minimum to appease me. I really need some other people's perspectives if I'm expecting too much from him.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=518253


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
AimfortheHeart
♀ New Member
Member # 37195
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all - I haven't been on SI in a while. I hope everyone made it through the holidays OK. Hugs to new and "old."

I have a question - my SAWH has been truly remorseful and working hard on his recovery. But recently he has remembered two sexual encounters that he did not include in his formal disclosure. His CSAT told him it is common for addicts to not remember things. I just find it very hard to believe he would not remember picking someone up in a bar and taking her to a hotel room unless a) he had dissociative personality disorder, or b) he did it so often he couldn't remember some of the times. I don't think either one is true in his case.

This is making me very uncomfortable - I keep wondering what he is going to remember next. And, what does this mean? Does he have a personality disorder in addition to SA? Does he have dementia?

Has anyone else had this experience, or know about repressed memories and SA?


Me - BS 63
Him - SAWH 61
D-day #1 8/22/12
D-day #2 11/3/13
D-day #3 12/15/13

Posts: 25 | Registered: Oct 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aim, you don't say how long ago these encounter were, or how long your SAWH has had an active addiction. I guess it's all too possible that he blocked out some OW out of shame. I don't have personal experience with it, but my SAFWH doesn't remember most of his early addictive behavior. He claims not to have had direct sexual contact, bad flirting and strip clubs mostly...

DOmomma, you heard from Outta and Hath, and their advice was excellent. He is NOT anywhere close to recovery. I don't even think he's whiteknuckling, he's just doing what he needs to appease you. He needs to hit rock bottom. But, sadly, that isn't within your power to orchestrate. All you can do is set your boundaries and stick to them.

I would not, under any circumstances, raise children with an active addict of any kind. The damage to them is incalculable.

I'm so sorry. Please take care of YOU. Tell him you cannot be with him unless he gets sober. He'll rage and carry on, claim he's doing everything you wanted him to do, blah, blah, blah, but you know the truth.

Hugs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie - I get it. I have considered typing up a handout so I wouldn't have to try again to explain this wild crap to another therapist or counsellor. Or on a SI website, for that matter.

I live with hollow man. He shows a little remorse on Thursdays if he's not too busy.
I am so angry.
Today was painful, things got pretty real in therapy. I'm making significant progress
Finally.

[This message edited by Hannelore at 8:57 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((domomma))
((aim))
((Hanne))


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
DOmomma09
♀ Member
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat- I'm inclined to agree with you after my conversation with him tonight. He was defensive and insensitive, and when I told him he was only doing the bare minimum he didn't say a word. I take that to mean that he honestly agrees and knows he can't argue with it. I asked how far he was in his recovery book and he admitted he had hardly read anything. He then went to our room to finally read.. like one night of reading when confronted is going to make a difference. If anything he just proved my point further that he's only doing the work when he feels he has to prove it to me that he's trying.

While I was reading a different post earlier, I had a bit of a realization. When I went looking for evidence today, I think I was actually disappointed I didn't find anything. I don't know if that's because proof would make me feel less crazy, or if I genuinely just want an excuse to get out. Probably a bit of both.


Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I went looking for evidence today, I think I was actually disappointed I didn't find anything. I don't know if that's because proof would make me feel less crazy, or if I genuinely just want an excuse to get out. Probably a bit of both.

I remember this well. For me, it turns out it was just my gut. He WAS still cheating - with male prostitutes in my case and who knows what else. Maybe mine is an odd case but my gut knew even though I hadn't real solid clues. I denied until the cows came home.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Random question here.

Both my husbands were sex addicts. Both had NO male friends. Is this common? Do non-addicted adult men have male friends? Wow - it's so sad I don't actually know the answer to that one and I am 42 YO! Makes me wonder about my Dad. He was an alcoholic but had NO friends. He was very sexualized in his tone - not to be but I remember hearing it.

On a side note - my first husband was a sex addict, had an online affair - we rug swept and 8 years later I went wayward, we rug swept and then I left him. He knows current husband has moved out and he is circling like a vulture. He knows why. WTF? Does he REALLY think he has a shot right now?!?!


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule. Except for the one that says SAs cannot form legitimate friendships at all. Mine didn't have close male friends, but he did have aquaintences. His "friends" became his EA partners and, believe it or not, he thought the strippers were his friends because they would listen to his blather. I know other " normal" men who have golfing buddies but not really male friends.

I'm not one to believe in the theory that we pick our mates in order to fix childhood trauma. But I think sometimes there can be an element of truth to it, especially if, as you describe, your father was inappropriately sexual in your presence. Even if it wasn't directed at you.

Bears looking at, for sure.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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