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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just really struggling right now. One year ago today life as I knew it changed forever. I am still caught off guard by the intensity of the emotions I'm still going thru. Seems I go from "I got this" to "WTH am I doing here" in zero to 60 seconds.

I think over time the term codependency has become refined. The first time I heard it was in reference to the relationship between an alcoholic and the spouse. The underlying message was that the spouse was a doormat and somehow unknowingly defended and aided the alcoholic enabling them to continue endulging in the destructive behavior. I couldn't see why anyone would put up with it but, I guess in finding myself in this situation I have to see it for what it is.

Our entire relationship has been about the "dance". I bring up something that is dismissed without so much as a thought. Seriously, 100% of the time, he said no. So, I learned that it was better to just not ask. Like they say, it's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. I have worked outside of the home our entire marriage. When the kids came along it was a given that the child rearing was my job too. I even had to work a full time, night shift job when I was pregnant with number four on thru the entire course of the oldest child's illness because, H had hurt his back at work and was out for a year and a half on WC and we needed insurance. Sorry, resentment seeping out again....

So, I can see it. I never demanded anything even tho I should have. It's very clear in light of all that has happened. It makes me sad to say that if I had made demands for him to step up or lose me he would have let me go. And, it would have been for the best but, hindsight again.

With the weight of this addiction bearing down on my future, it's the first time in our entire relationship that I feel like I have a voice. Trust me, I have used it. I know I'm steering the bus and that's all fine and good but, I haven't figured out yet where the final destination is. I do know this tho, it's just a crying shame it took something like this to get us to get the freakin road map out.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 10:29 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are struggling. I am glad you found your voice. I was passive before dday, now also have a voice & feel strong. You will get thru today. You are strong. Look what you have survived this past year and how much you have grown.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Forgiving. I guess sometimes I just need a pat on the head and someone to tell me that I'm "normal". But then, normal is somewhat relative huh?


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, they choose us, don't they? They choose the women who will pick up the considerable slack the don't want to deal with, the women who will back down in the face of their sulking and bullying, the ones who take promises and vows seriously and put our own feelings and needs on the back burner to tend to our families, of which, they are the biggest burden.

But now? WE have to put ourselves first. It's our turn to be as selfish as we need to be. And that is hard work for us, it doesn't come naturally.

I'm learning.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2931 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true, sk. I just thought that was how all relationships were because that's all I saw.

Putting myself first is very difficult for me. I have always had trouble saying no (or yes, depending on what the situation is). It still feels so unnatural, but I'm trying.

Outta, I'm happy that you're posting today. I would probably be in bed all day. Only 9 more days for me, so I guess we'll see how I deal. Wishing you strength to get through the day.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the words of encouragment! Sometimes it just helps to know you aren't alone and, sadly, we aren't. I think we are all little caterpillars struggling to become beautiful butterflies. We will but, it's such hard work. I thought I was happy being a caterpillar.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to my first COSA meeting last night, not really sure what to think. It was nice being around people who get it, but I felt like there was too much God in the 12 steps(I'm not religious), and I have yet to label myself as codependent. Either way I'm going to go to a few more before deciding.


Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA and working towards wellness
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Trying to reconcile, again

Posts: 106 | Registered: Nov 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there is that. It helps to identify your own version of a higher power. Doesn't have to be God.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2931 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Codependency here too. Much better than I was 8 or 9 years ago.

I still remember my IC back then (different one from now) telling me that when one person in a relationship goes through a period of personal growth, either the partner experiences growth as well or the relationship falls apart.

I guess I'm in the falls apart group. But at least I'm growing.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Aug 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK said it all.

I will never forget last June, about 3 months out of DD, SAWH said "I think your standards for me as a husband are too high." The old me would have shrunk and said nothing. The new me said, "Actually, I think the problem is that for too long, my standards have been too low."


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JLS - I only went to one meeting 2x (attended the same regular meeting on 2 different occasions) but have been told that it sometimes takes awhile to find the right meeting. This was the case for my SAWH…he went to 3 or 4 different meetings before he found one that fit. The one he attends has men that are like him, professional men with money and power (real or imagined) who had long term affairs, their lives got out of control, etc. I would imagine that it's probably the same for the COSA and S-Anon meetings in terms of "everyone is welcome" but it's helpful to find people that you have some common ground with. In the meeting I went to, it was mostly people whose WHs had porn addictions or used escort services or strip clubs vs. my situation which was my SAWH having 1 long term affair for 2+ years and a porn problem. I spoke with an S-Anon volunteer (who answers the voicemail line) and she said she's been attending the same meeting for several years and it's a great meeting. So it sounds like fellowship and common ground is a possibility if you find the meeting.

You are doing the right thing by trying to keep an open mind.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And jls, PLEASE don't feel you have to "label" yourself anything. There will be things you can identify with, things you reject. And those may change. Your job in a 12 step group is to use the tools offered in the ways that best suit you. It's yours to use, not another obligation to conform to.

Take what you can use and leave the rest. It's true.

Some groups are better fits than others.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2931 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, the meeting I went to was having an off night I was told, different format than what's typical so I look forward to going again and seeing what a normal meeting is like. H told me last night he's decided he's not a porn addict because he's gone 2 wks without watching and doesn't care, also said will keep up on the therapy because it's what I want him to do. 2 wks ago while separated he said he was going to do the therapy for himself because he knew he had a problem, whether we R or not. I feel like he's starting to diminish the problems his porn watching has caused and am waiting now for the crap to fall again :(


Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA and working towards wellness
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Trying to reconcile, again

Posts: 106 | Registered: Nov 2013
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I have been gone a long time, but have been trying to keep up with your updates. Life has gotten so busy, My new job is very demanding and I'm always so tired.
Things in my household have been ok I think, H has stepped it up and has been going to therapy and his SA meetings regularly for the past couple months, it took putting my foot down but I feel like he is on his way. I always wish I didn't have to push him to do it, and that it would have come from him. Oh well. He is also a better husband in taking care of our home and actually putting interest in spending quality time.

I still have my off days, but I am not sad all the time anymore, I can find joy in little things again, however I ALWAYS think about our "issue". It's always on my mind, I can't get away from it ever. It's there every day and I hate it. Is it possible that I'm obsessive about this? Or is it normal for me to think about it everyday? I don't even know anymore.

When we argue and then we hug to make up, it's such a different feeling. Before DDay, that hug meant ok it's done we can move on and be happy again, now it's like ok argument is over but I'm not happy, because nothing is ok. It's such a sad feeling.

I am at my 6 month mark, and although I have more happy days than before, I don't consider myself a happy person anymore. I am just not happy. And honestly I don't know if I am progressing with my healing. I go to therapy weekly and that has helped me to see some stuff about myself that I never even noticed. I guess 6 months is still too early to tell, i don't know. I think I'm tired and just rambling on now.

Hugs to all, hope you all have a good weekend. :) I'll try to keep posting,, always makes me feel better.


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Jane, I know exactly how you feel!

I've been working hard on detaching. I've blocked him on facebook, removed his email from my phone and stopped checking his phone. I've been looking for a new place to live. He's been ramping up the hoovering but I'm not buying it. So, tonight he is in rehearsal for a show he's in. I decide to snoop on his tablet. He is actually reading a book on sexual anorexia. Why am I not excited about this? Why am I feeling disappointed?

Maybe because now I feel like I have to keep trying and I don't want to. I want to be done. Its more than 2 years from DDay 1. I'm over it. I begged him to try and he wouldn't. The last fight we had I actually felt relief that he walked away. That was my get out of jail card. But I didn't move fast enough and I feel trapped again.

It is ok if I'm done right? I don't have to give him this chance do I?


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
pepper77
♀ New Member
Member # 42337
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I guess I belong here. I shared my story (online relationships progressing to craigslist replying all over the board and two meetups that I know of) in the Just found out forum, but our marriage counsellor and his IC both steered H toward SA meetings. He is really feeling good about the IC, about the SA meetings, and about that this is all out in the open now. I don't. I feel like I've gotten beaten up :(

When I found the craigslist stuff (like 1200 emails replying to anything and everything over the last 6 months) I told my mom and my best friend what was going on, because I thought we were definitely heading to divorce and I wanted to get out of the house ASAP. Now he's doing everything he can to show me he wants to stay together, he doesn't want to lose me, he'll do whatever. And I'm kinda sorta tempted to try because I'm still in shock, I think, and I'm scared to be out on my own with three kids (and I still love him, I guess, can't switch that off like a lightswitch:/) but now the people I confided in are very adamantly against us reconciling, so if I do it'll be against the advice of the people closest to me. (I regret telling them the whole story now, I was just having a meltdown, I guess, and needed someone to talk to).

As it stands now, as soon as I can get a job of some kind I'll be moving to an apartment for 6 months to get some space to think/process/see how things go. I just feel completely lost. I have no idea what to do. I have not been to an Sanon meeting yet, though there is a weekly one locally--H thinks once I do I'll understand him more.

He's very upset that we're moving out, thinks once we're gone I'll realize he doesn't bring much to the relationship except money, and that I can do better (there's a sizeable self-loathing/low self esteem component to him) and we'll never be together again and he'll have lost me and our kids. So I'm almost feeling bad for HIM/worried he'll go off the deep end with this stuff once I'm out of the house. Ugh. This all sucks so much from every angle.

Anyway, I'm glad to see there's others farther along the path, I've been reading upthread and seeing some similarities. Glad to meet you ladies.


Me, 30. SAWH, 32. Dday 1/24/14.
Together since 2002, married since 2012. Currently both in IC, in the process of moving out/divorcing.
Three boys, 8, 3 and 1.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2014
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to everyone! And welcome Pepper. The self loathing is such a huge part of many sexaholics. The longer H is in SA, the more I see him changing. It's very slow, but it's there. He's starting to take care of himself, which is nice to see. He was on such a self destructive path before DDay (in most aspects of his life, so I was all too aware of this self hatred).

CheaterMagnet, it's certainly okay to be done (I know you know this, but it's nice to hear once in a while)! You don't owe him anything. I felt much like you did until something just clicked in my head and was ready to really give it another chance. Even then, I still can never, ever think that it will last forever. I no longer have that luxury. If the journey later includes me leaving for my own sanity and growth, then so be it.

And outtanowhere, I thought I was quite happy being a caterpillar! It was comfortable at least!

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:09 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is SO OK to be done. No one should ever feel compelled to stay with an addict no matter the degree or stage of the illness. No where does it say that you are forced to continue in the uncertain path that is recovery, relapse, half truths and waiting for them to figure out how to get their head out of their asses.
When they say addictions is a family disease, its true. You don't have to stay afflicted.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2931 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drive by. Miss you ladies. I am trying super hard to have a "normal" life, LOL. Rejoining civilization is a lot of work. I want to give you hope, that when you do the work on yourself, things do get better. One way or another.

This actually is probably my biggest issue right now. I've done the work, I am continuing to make changes to make my life better every day. I have had so much shit happen to me these past 2.5 years that I literally HAVE to focus on myself so I don't wind up in the ER again. And I don't have nearly as many triggers, don't have panic attacks, don't think about SA for most of the day. Sounds awesome, right?

Except because SAWH is behind, it's tedious. I'm glad he's doing the work NOW, but I won't lie - I am resentful it took this long. I am not as supportive or sensitive as I can be. I am very blunt with him and it causes issues. Moreover, I don't really care that it causes issues. I consider it consequences of his choices.

Things are way better. I am fairly happy. Life is good.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he engaged me this morning. Said he got the sense that I wasn't happy. REALLY????? You finally clued in on that huh???? So, I told him no. I'm not happy. I'm tired of being with someone who clearly doesn't value me. That when he walked away that day, I gave up. Told him I am looking for a place.

He then proceeds to tell me that he is reading the book on sexual/intimacy anorexia and has noticed that all their descriptions of intimacy, we don't have. Well NO SHIT SHERLOCK!! It's hard to be intimate with someone you don't trust.

I started to cry and told him I'm tired of feeling old and ugly. That I can't unhear those words he said and I'm tired. I'm done.

Still looking for a place. I don't even care if he finally gets it. I don't want to be married to an addict. I just want what I wanted after I was finally free from Pigfucker. A peaceful life. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Feeling defeated, ugly, fat and old.

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 8:45 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
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