I think over time the term codependency has become refined. The first time I heard it was in reference to the relationship between an alcoholic and the spouse. The underlying message was that the spouse was a doormat and somehow unknowingly defended and aided the alcoholic enabling them to continue endulging in the destructive behavior. I couldn't see why anyone would put up with it but, I guess in finding myself in this situation I have to see it for what it is.
Our entire relationship has been about the "dance". I bring up something that is dismissed without so much as a thought. Seriously, 100% of the time, he said no. So, I learned that it was better to just not ask. Like they say, it's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. I have worked outside of the home our entire marriage. When the kids came along it was a given that the child rearing was my job too. I even had to work a full time, night shift job when I was pregnant with number four on thru the entire course of the oldest child's illness because, H had hurt his back at work and was out for a year and a half on WC and we needed insurance. Sorry, resentment seeping out again....
So, I can see it. I never demanded anything even tho I should have. It's very clear in light of all that has happened. It makes me sad to say that if I had made demands for him to step up or lose me he would have let me go. And, it would have been for the best but, hindsight again.
With the weight of this addiction bearing down on my future, it's the first time in our entire relationship that I feel like I have a voice. Trust me, I have used it. I know I'm steering the bus and that's all fine and good but, I haven't figured out yet where the final destination is. I do know this tho, it's just a crying shame it took something like this to get us to get the freakin road map out.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 10:29 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]
But now? WE have to put ourselves first. It's our turn to be as selfish as we need to be. And that is hard work for us, it doesn't come naturally.
Putting myself first is very difficult for me. I have always had trouble saying no (or yes, depending on what the situation is). It still feels so unnatural, but I'm trying.
Outta, I'm happy that you're posting today. I would probably be in bed all day. Only 9 more days for me, so I guess we'll see how I deal. Wishing you strength to get through the day.
I still remember my IC back then (different one from now) telling me that when one person in a relationship goes through a period of personal growth, either the partner experiences growth as well or the relationship falls apart.
I guess I'm in the falls apart group. But at least I'm growing.
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.
I will never forget last June, about 3 months out of DD, SAWH said "I think your standards for me as a husband are too high." The old me would have shrunk and said nothing. The new me said, "Actually, I think the problem is that for too long, my standards have been too low."
You are doing the right thing by trying to keep an open mind.
Take what you can use and leave the rest. It's true.
Some groups are better fits than others.
I still have my off days, but I am not sad all the time anymore, I can find joy in little things again, however I ALWAYS think about our "issue". It's always on my mind, I can't get away from it ever. It's there every day and I hate it. Is it possible that I'm obsessive about this? Or is it normal for me to think about it everyday? I don't even know anymore.
When we argue and then we hug to make up, it's such a different feeling. Before DDay, that hug meant ok it's done we can move on and be happy again, now it's like ok argument is over but I'm not happy, because nothing is ok. It's such a sad feeling.
I am at my 6 month mark, and although I have more happy days than before, I don't consider myself a happy person anymore. I am just not happy. And honestly I don't know if I am progressing with my healing. I go to therapy weekly and that has helped me to see some stuff about myself that I never even noticed. I guess 6 months is still too early to tell, i don't know. I think I'm tired and just rambling on now.
Hugs to all, hope you all have a good weekend. :) I'll try to keep posting,, always makes me feel better.
I've been working hard on detaching. I've blocked him on facebook, removed his email from my phone and stopped checking his phone. I've been looking for a new place to live. He's been ramping up the hoovering but I'm not buying it. So, tonight he is in rehearsal for a show he's in. I decide to snoop on his tablet. He is actually reading a book on sexual anorexia. Why am I not excited about this? Why am I feeling disappointed?
Maybe because now I feel like I have to keep trying and I don't want to. I want to be done. Its more than 2 years from DDay 1. I'm over it. I begged him to try and he wouldn't. The last fight we had I actually felt relief that he walked away. That was my get out of jail card. But I didn't move fast enough and I feel trapped again.
It is ok if I'm done right? I don't have to give him this chance do I?
When I found the craigslist stuff (like 1200 emails replying to anything and everything over the last 6 months) I told my mom and my best friend what was going on, because I thought we were definitely heading to divorce and I wanted to get out of the house ASAP. Now he's doing everything he can to show me he wants to stay together, he doesn't want to lose me, he'll do whatever. And I'm kinda sorta tempted to try because I'm still in shock, I think, and I'm scared to be out on my own with three kids (and I still love him, I guess, can't switch that off like a lightswitch:/) but now the people I confided in are very adamantly against us reconciling, so if I do it'll be against the advice of the people closest to me. (I regret telling them the whole story now, I was just having a meltdown, I guess, and needed someone to talk to).
As it stands now, as soon as I can get a job of some kind I'll be moving to an apartment for 6 months to get some space to think/process/see how things go. I just feel completely lost. I have no idea what to do. I have not been to an Sanon meeting yet, though there is a weekly one locally--H thinks once I do I'll understand him more.
He's very upset that we're moving out, thinks once we're gone I'll realize he doesn't bring much to the relationship except money, and that I can do better (there's a sizeable self-loathing/low self esteem component to him) and we'll never be together again and he'll have lost me and our kids. So I'm almost feeling bad for HIM/worried he'll go off the deep end with this stuff once I'm out of the house. Ugh. This all sucks so much from every angle.
Anyway, I'm glad to see there's others farther along the path, I've been reading upthread and seeing some similarities. Glad to meet you ladies.
CheaterMagnet, it's certainly okay to be done (I know you know this, but it's nice to hear once in a while)! You don't owe him anything. I felt much like you did until something just clicked in my head and was ready to really give it another chance. Even then, I still can never, ever think that it will last forever. I no longer have that luxury. If the journey later includes me leaving for my own sanity and growth, then so be it.
And outtanowhere, I thought I was quite happy being a caterpillar! It was comfortable at least!
[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:09 AM, February 21st (Friday)]
This actually is probably my biggest issue right now. I've done the work, I am continuing to make changes to make my life better every day. I have had so much shit happen to me these past 2.5 years that I literally HAVE to focus on myself so I don't wind up in the ER again. And I don't have nearly as many triggers, don't have panic attacks, don't think about SA for most of the day. Sounds awesome, right?
Except because SAWH is behind, it's tedious. I'm glad he's doing the work NOW, but I won't lie - I am resentful it took this long. I am not as supportive or sensitive as I can be. I am very blunt with him and it causes issues. Moreover, I don't really care that it causes issues. I consider it consequences of his choices.
Things are way better. I am fairly happy. Life is good.
He then proceeds to tell me that he is reading the book on sexual/intimacy anorexia and has noticed that all their descriptions of intimacy, we don't have. Well NO SHIT SHERLOCK!! It's hard to be intimate with someone you don't trust.
I started to cry and told him I'm tired of feeling old and ugly. That I can't unhear those words he said and I'm tired. I'm done.
Still looking for a place. I don't even care if he finally gets it. I don't want to be married to an addict. I just want what I wanted after I was finally free from Pigfucker. A peaceful life. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Feeling defeated, ugly, fat and old.
[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 8:45 PM, February 21st (Friday)]