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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't find this thread until 2 months after dday and by then I probably had already made some critical errors. Kind of like over correcting after swerving off the shoulder of the road.

Nobody had to tell me that I shouldn't trust him. I had already figured that out on my own but, it was probably the only thing I had going for me. I did buy into the heartfelt and, what I believed were heartfelt apologies. I still think they were at the time but, I know now that neither one of us could have foreseen how difficult life would be from here on out.

I do believe we are all wired differently. That is our uniqueness. As crazy as I know it is, I had very strong urges to be sexual with him even tho, I was repulsed by the knowledge of what he had done. I guess maybe we all have that ability to compartmentalize. It only proved to compound my anger because, yet again, I couldn't fathom why I felt that way. I truly felt my body was betraying me but, didn't analyze it. I did wait until our STD screenings were clear but, after that I followed my instincts and I guess only time will tell if that was a mistake or not. I wanted it for me. The only follow up screening that I was advised about was the 6 month HIV.

I know some of you know this stuff inside out and backwards and, I know that means you learned it out if necessity for survival. Nine months ago I had never even heard of this type of addiction so, when I was presented the diagnosis, it was much like hearing that it is a rare form of cancer. Even after immediately reading everything I could get my hands on in regards to SA, only now is the gravity of it beginning to sink in.

Besides the fact that access to a CSAT in our area being very limited, we simply can't afford it. Our business is on the verge of bankruptcy and we received notice last week that our only asset is now in foreclosure.

The only resource we have is our IC/MC as he takes our insurance. I've just finished reading "Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners". I must say I feel doomed to failure.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, I know I've been MIA on posting, but I have been trying to keep up with everyone. I was also a little intimidated to post on this for a while!! I have been absorbing knowledge here and through my IC and church and finding myself in all this mess over the past couple of months. I guess I have also been going through grief stages and just did not have any more energy to give and haven't felt like I had much to offer anyone. I went through a fairly extensive angry phase but I think I"m on the other side of that, at least for now. I also have decided against any more MC sessions - there does not seem to be any point to figuring out the ins and outs of effective communication and misunderstandings when the elephant in the room is that I do not trust one word out of his mouth and doubt I ever will. So for now, I'm working on me and he can do whatever he feels he should.

I'm like Outta....too many critical errors made in the first two months that I wish I could get a re-do on. I had the HB something awful...I've since come to not want to have sex at all as I have started therapy on myself. I haven't really talked to him about either so I think he is just feeling distance from me. My crazy thinking right after discovery was I wanted to take back what was mine...I wanted to show him just how stupid he was. Hindsight now, I would have never done that. At the time though, I was coping the best way I knew how to, so it is what it is.

We had a long discussion last night about religion and today I feel rather hopeless about the future of my marriage. Outta, I had that book on my list...hoping it would give me some hope! why do you now feel doomed for failure?


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's a wrong or right way to react when we find out. We all have different personalities and backgrounds.

I haven't been intimate with H since DDay, but really we were rarely intimate anyway. My past has pretty much killed my sex drive. When I married H, sex was empty; he was clearly somewhere else. So I stopped wanting it, and he stopped asking for it. I think he felt safe with me because he could keep up his secret life with the justification that I didn't want to be with him anyway.
But of course that was just the surface of it. I had simply connected sex with pain because I had never had a good experience with it. Now things are so much worse. I really don't want it now. I'm not sure I ever will. If I can't, I keep think that that is what will kill our marriage in the end....that he deserves someone who isn't so broken.

He's broken too, but he's actually working on himself and making a lot of effort.

Me, not so much lately. I've stopped going to S-ANON. I find it makes me feel worse. I don't go to IC either. I'm in a strange nether world...floating in nothingness.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 453 | Registered: Mar 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't go to S-Anon any more, haven't for a while. My group was small, and there weren't any real sponsor possibilities. They were absolutely important when I JFO, but after a year or so I stopped getting as much out in going, and it was an hour away so it was not worth the 3-4 hour commitment it took. I think if it were a larger group, closer to me, and I could have gotten a sponsor, I would still be going. But IDK for sure, the group chemistry has to be right also. There is something to be said from just reading the same passages in the materials on a regular basis, and hearing yourself in another's testimony.

I am going through a tough phase. I've read a lot of my old posts and journal entries, and I am like the people in the movie theater yelling at the screen and throwing food. Don't go into the attic, moron! The call is coming from inside the house! So my SAWH is totally confused why I am so messed up and angry with him right now, LOL.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, what do you think brings those feelings on? I ask because I kind of lost it last night. Didn't go off or anything but, I finished reading "Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners" and so many memories came flooding back. It seems so overwhelming some times. I'm always careful in choosing my words when I talk to H. I try very hard to not use language that reinforces shame or guilt but, for some reason, last night I just blurted some things out and thought, too damn bad if it hurts! I have endured pain that I thought would kill me over the last few months but, kept my cool because I don't want to say something that can't be unsaid.

I was just in a bad place and don't even know what I need. Things can be going along pretty well when out of the blue, it seems my world turns upside down. I just needed to be comforted and reassured but, what I got last night was a glimpse of that man that I never want to see again. The selfish asshole that controlled my H for so many years. I hate that man.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

our only asset is now in foreclosure.

Oh. Outta. I hope that isn't your home!

I don't think there's a wrong or right way to react when we find out.

I agree. I found out several years ago. There is SO much more information out now. When I first found out, thinking there were EAs, I was interested. But I was ALWAYS trying to have a normal sex life. I was discouraged at every turn, often viciously. I TRIED to be interested after I truly found out, but was also rejected, his guilt and shame caused him to continue to act like an asshole if I didn't react in JUST the way he expected me to. I am not interested in allowing him to hurt me like that again. He says that is okay, but like everything else, I take what he says with a grain of salt. He simply isn't trustworthy. He MEANS it when he says it, but his is too volatile and unreliable.

I'm always careful in choosing my words when I talk to H.

I can so relate. And yet, they don't have the same compunction. We haven't been back to MC or IC since our vacation where he acted like such an ass. I confronted him a bit about it, he apologized and wants to try again. I just don't want to deal with it. He has since tried to analyze why he acted that way, but F*CK!!! He isn't a 10 year old child! I shouldn't have to have this issue arise on a dream trip!

I hear you all.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by hathnofury at 8:09 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Outta))) I hope it's not your home either. I am so bitter about the debts we have incurred due to SA, but I have not had to face losing our home.

As to what brings those feelings on, it is either me tripping down memory lane from reading my old posts and journal entries, or tripping down memory lane from reading other stuff that triggers old memories, or sometimes just random triggers. It's catch 22 about reading my past writings. If I don't revisit them, I forget things that happened that I still need to address or follow up/through on. I also like to see how far I've come. But if I do revisit them, it can get ugly for a while.

I had a random trigger last night, first I've had in a long time. SAWH is much more affectionate now he's in real recovery, makes passes at me and such. While he's been affectionate for a while now, he hadn't been overtly flirty and what not until a month or so ago. Before he was more subtle and mindful of being respectful. Lots more gropey and stuff now.

Anyway, I had mentioned my body hurt and he asked if he could help. I said he could rub my shoulders or my feet, but I hadn't washed my feet and I knew he probably wouldn't because of that. Anyway, the conversation quickly went randy and he said something to the effect of if I *had* washed my feet he'd suck my toes.

So let me explain 1) I have a hangup about my feet, I don't do sexual things with my feet and 2) thus he and I have never done anything sexual with my feet ever in the 18 years we've been together. So I had a bit of a revulsion at the comment just because of my hangup. He noticed. Then he said, "What? You've never done that with..." and stopped cold wishing he could take it back. So now I have the worst kind of mind movies, dammit he's sucked hooker toes, ewwwww. I told him what he said was not respectful and I might throw up. He was immediately sorry as soon as he said it, moreso when I said that. Backpedaled, so sorry, I did it in college, blah blah. Just stop. It's done. I'm totally grossed out and triggered out now. He's totally ashamed and feeling two inches tall.

Eventually I work through it, he works through it, and he gives me the best back rub. What I like about being this far out from discovery, and having done the work on myself, is we can do that now. 2 years ago that would have ruined the whole night and maybe a few days, and I'd probably have to tell my CSAT, my group, and you guys before I could work through it. Even year ago he wouldn't have been able to work either, he'd just withdraw into a puddle of shame.

But of course I still have my low streaks and moments like these. I just have more tools in my tool belt to deal with them and process them faster. Some of it is having the right support to teach me the tools, some of it is just the gift of time and perspective.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I think SAWH may be on a slippery slope or has even relapsed - who knows maybe his recovery has just been a big farce. He was dx in the spring and was actively attending meetings/mens group, no sponsor. We had our first MC apt with a CSAT 3 weeks ago and ever since he has had excuses to not go to either group or SAA. He did finally go yesterday for the first time.

During this time my gut has been increasingly screaming at me. I was really trying hard to not focus on him, work on myself, not get into investigative mode...but this morning I tried to talk to him about my gut feelings and got his "nice, insightful self" which after time I see is a manipulation (which I hate to say). I wasn't satisfied and just couldn't help the urge to go "investigative" on his phone.

The only thing that I found was a text from yahoo that was a "verification code". He had deleted it, I found it using a software program. First off, if he has a yahoo email account I had no idea of it and second he's not suppose to be deleting strange emails. This code came on Thursday when he was in a different city.

I don't have any hard evidence yet. We have another MC apt on Thursday with the CSAT - she is also the counselor for his men's group. I know I need to bring it up, but am wondering if I need to tred carefully? Not sure how to approach it.

We're really at the beginning. No boundary agreement, not formal disclosure. I am so much stronger emotionally, but the kids and financial situation are still the same. I still can't just pack up and leave.

Thanks


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
UCLAMOM23
♀ New Member
Member # 36653
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

Even though I haven't been here in several months, I think of all of you frequently. It's such a strange, sad "club" that we all belong to, and I think that only people who have walked this path can truly understand what we're all going through.

When I first discovered that my H was a sex addict and had been carrying on a double life for many, many years, I completely detached from him. He had always been a selfish,uncommunicative, distant husband and I always told my friends that when the kids were gone "all bets were off."

However, the only thing he ever did right, was that he was a very involved father. He coached their sports teams, went to all of their school events, played Scrabble with them at night, and generally spent lots of time with them. I decided that I would keep quiet and fake it in front of the kids, because I didn't want to put the kids through a divorce.

The big discovery happend 14 months ago. He immediately began counseling and going to an SAA group regularily. He and I are just "friends" and he is supportive, communicative, not sarcastic (which was a HUGE problem before), giving, complimentary (never said anything nice to me before), and talks freely about his feelings and what happened to him as a young boy that he feels caused him to become the jerk he was for most of his life.

My dad passed away last month after 4 weeks in the hospital, and he was the nicest, most supportive person I could have asked for. I never asked or expected anything from him -- after all, this was the guy who turned off his phone and didn't come home when I started to miscarry a baby, the guy who left me alone to babysit on my birthday while he went out with his friends, the guy who left me home alone with a baby when I had the flu and had a 103 fever, etc. He went to the hospital two or three times a day and sat with my dad, held his hand, and talked to him. He left work every day and came home to cook dinner, so my mother and I would have food after spending a long day sitting with my dad.

He has been nothing but patient, nice, and supportive. I am dumbfounded. After 18 years of marriage to a distanct, sarcastic, man, this guy who looks just like him is the nicest, compassionate person I know.

Is this real? I don't know. I don't know how anyone can do such a 180 after years and years of being selfish. We are still just friends, which is a huge development, considering how toxic everything was in the beginning of this journey. We are both super-committed to our boys and our family and we have seven years before the last one goes away to college.

My friends think he's an a**hole, obviously. I felt so done with him for so long, that I never thought that I would be writing anything nice about him. I think that if I so much as entertained the thought of a reconciliation, they would hold an intervention. (I'm just kidding about the intervention part.)

In the meantime, it's been a long 14 months of no physical affection and I don't mean just sex, although that's a big part of it. It would be nice to just hold hands.

I'm really confused. Any insight would be appreciated.

Peace to you all.


I am: BW 47 years
He is: WH 47 years and has suddenly realized that he's a sex addict

Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH has been seeing a CSAT since end of June, been going to SLAA meetings since August/September and also seeing a psychiatrist since shortly after DD, which was in March when I discovered he was having a long term affair and shortly after, discovered he had a porn addiction as well.

In the past 2 months I have seen some very positive changes in him. However, he still has a LONG way to go. My H is early 40s and his selfishness, entitlement, sarcasm and lying has been a way of life for him since he was a young kid. He masked a lot of this because he was intelligent and got good grades, so he was able to fool people. But it catches up to them at some point.

One way of looking at his recent behavior is that he was trying to make amends to your father about what he did. Do you think this is possible? I know my SAWH has mentioned that he wants to make amends to my family members.

I think people are capable of change. Whether or not it is sustainable is another question. They really have to rewire their brains, though. My H is reading a book on how the brain is capable of rewiring.

Also, another component of this is that you have to be willing to forgive. Do you think you can do that? Have you been seeing a counselor or attending a support group?

Hang in there!


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issaquah - I don't have good advice; hopefully others will come along. I see a lot of red flags in your post and if you are not ready to leave, I would keep snooping and keep your discoveries to yourself. We just had a discussion about snoopping on this thread and I feel that in this case, you would be snooping to ensure that he was not in false recovery to save yourself some time and hurt. Not going to meetings is not a man in recovery. As hard as it is, I would snoop, keep it to myself, get your ducks in a row, set up boundaries that make you feel safe, go to IC, focus on yourself. I'm afraid he'll take it underground if you confront too soon (AND you're not ready to leave, so what will you say? "I know you're still cheating, and I'm going to stay with you bc I can't leave yet?") Hugs to you. I remember you from when you first started posting and I am so sorry that you are still going through so much pain..... (((((Issaquah)))))

UCLA - your H sounds amazing. See if he continues with the positive actions and keep focusing on yourself.

I have big news - H and I had a talk tonight and he says that he doesn't see how him going to IC/group therapy is going to make a difference in our M. (Don't ya know, it's our MARRIAGE that's the problem, not him). Anyway, he is really pushing to go back to MC and I refused until he goes to IC. I said does this mean we're getting D'd? He said yes and I said I would call my L tomorrow. I am relieved.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Compartmented for the statement about checking up to ensure our safety is not unhealthy. That actually has always gotten my goat that all betrayed spouses are made to feel guilty about their need to know/comprehend/feel safe. I think its perfectly natural and can definitely help. Just like anything else, there is a line when it becomes unhealthy/obsessive and I dont advise that.

Businesses have cameras for safety. Not because they are paranoid and codependent. But because there is sometimes a need to know what goes on in your world.

Actually I do not check up and a lot of times I think Im foolish for not doing that. I have always believed (prior to this too) that you only really know a person by what they do when nobody is looking.

Maybe my thoughts sway from the crowds. I dont know.

Not sure if this was answered, I havent been able to fully catch up, but is it illegal to install a keylogger on your own computer? Why are the computers not communal property in the marriage, unless they are owned by husbands work/company?


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((numb)))))

Im glad you feel relieved. Sometimes it takes a little push to show us what we really needed to be done.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
UCLAMOM23
♀ New Member
Member # 36653
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((numb))))) If you decide to move forward with D, I hope that it brings peace to your life.

{{{{{Issaquah}}}}} To me, it sounds like he is slipping. Deleting email is a HUGE red flag. Listen to your gut. There is nothing wrong with snooping, IMHO. I think it's self-protection.


I am: BW 47 years
He is: WH 47 years and has suddenly realized that he's a sex addict

Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb…I think you are very smart and brave. You seem to see the writing on the wall. Better days are ahead for you!!! Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question! WH denies SA, mega porn for YEARS, admitted after I snooped. Says it can't be SA because he just stopped after hearing it bothered me. I checked a little but he is smarter & I didn't find anything except that he had deleted all old hx. Recently has been suggesting we view it to help me be more interested. TT in that he has admitted slipped up a bit since revalation. We are trying? to recover from past affairs also. Should I be doing anything about this, is it a SA? I got a couple of books on it & he doesn't exactly fit the description yet some aspects do. Also should say he really thinks porn is pretty harmless & I am overreacting . He classifies it as better than his affairs, to me he substituted one for the other after OW scared him by getting pg.


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP, I don't know the legal specifics of keylogging. I just know when I talked to my L over a year ago, they advised me against spyware on the computer and cell phones, even though they were purchased in my name. They said that would have to be handled by a criminal attorney, and may involve federal charges, if it came to light. Did not expand any further.

I *believe*, and someone can correct me if I am wrong, that the applicable laws in question are from the 80s that did not directly address today's technology, so a lot of it is left up to interpretation by the courts. But I think they follow the rule of wiretapping, if you have a reasonable expectation of privacy, like on your home landline, then it is illegal to record it without a warrant. By my interpretation that means VAR is illegal too.

However I *believe* you can install a program geared at monitoring your kids' computer/phone activity and not be charged for doing so. You wouldn't be able to use that as evidence in court tho, for sure. Somebody can clarify if they know the answer.

It is so stupid, because yes you should be able to record stuff in your own damn house. Especially computers and phones/accounts in your own damn name. I understand not being able to do it with someone else's stuff, or if you are separated, etc. It should not be admissable as evidence, but you should be able to do it. How is this any different than a Nannycam? You can do that as long as it isn't the bathroom or her personal bedroom is she lives on site. Stupid.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, DP, UCLA and wif!!

I am actually relieved that he refused all therapy, bc if he had agreed to go to therapy, I would have stayed a little longer in the off chance that it might help the kids somewhere down the line (like maybe if something someone said now clicked with him sometime in the future), but that would have meant spending the holidays with him, which I wasn't looking forward to. We aren't talking to each other except for finances and kids, we are sleeping in separate bedrooms, only see each other a few mins a day, then go to our separate bedrooms (one upstairs, one downstairs) at night. Not much of a M or a life.

The hardest part for me will be telling the kids. Then I heard people at my kids' school today talking about how well divorced people they know get along (they don't know we're getting D'd) and how "the kids get the house" meaning that the parents rotate in and out so the kids don't have to be shuttled from place to place made me want to I just felt unrealistic expectations and judgement, even though they weren't meaning to do this. That is something I have to work on.

I'm just rambling - sorry. I'm so tired and just want to figure out the money situation, want a quick D and to have this chapter of my life closed. It has been such a nightmare, as I know all of you know.

Hugs to all.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Hi everyone))))))
I have been a little bit absent from the forum but have been trying to keep up with everything.

I do a lot of snooping but I really don't have time or energy to do as much as I would like I haven't checked phone records since DD, although I tell him to save all receipts, I haven't checked that either.

I was totally thrown off yesterday and a huge red flag came up :(
I know he watches porn, and I know it isn't healthy but I don't really mind it I don't know why, anyways, I asked him to show me the history of his porn and boom.. Guess what.. He said he watches it on a browser that doesn't save his history.. Ummm what??? I was SO PISSED.. I was so clear to him that no internet history was to be deleted but I guess I didn't mention hidden so he went ahead and hid it.. I lost so much more trust now (if there was any left) Because I thought he was done with that browser (he did all his acting out on it of course) and yet he has been using it all this time and who knows what else he does there.. I spoke about this to my CSAT and she said it's completely unacceptable and it's showing me he isn't in recovery at all. It makes me so mad that he did that, but I guess it just goes to show me how really I have no control whatsoever even if I do all the snooping.. It's just a waste of time

I'm still so mad at him for doing this. Now I will really never know! :( he doesn't have a CSAT yet, just a regular therapist, now because of this he needs to see a CSAT ASAP.. We are speaking to one tomorrow.

Numb- I'm glad you feel relieved, sometimes I wonder if I would feel that way would my H choose to not go to therapy etc. I'm happy for you and I hope everything works out for the better and brings you peace! It already sounds so good... sigh... peaceeeee


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
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