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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I feel like a bad mom ...
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other night at 12:30 am, I heard knocking at my door and the door bell starting ringing, I woke up and my first thought was "Stbx is going to kill me". So I stayed in bed a few more minutes and realized that he wouldn't knock and ring the door bell if he was going to hurt me. Then I realized it was my DD18 best friend (who is in an abusive relationship and knows she can come here anytime) so I let her in. Of course she apologized profusely and said, "I was hoping you didn't think I was stbx".

Anyways, the next day while the kids and I are talking about whatevers, the subject of DD18 best friend showing up in the middle of the night comes up and I shared that I thought it was stbx coming to kill me. My DD18 cracks up but my DS14 says "See, you are still paranoid! Why would you think that?"
(quick back story: DS14 does not know about stbx's suicide attempt, behavior and threat to shoot himself in the head and have the kids find him. Earlier this years, stbx pushed DS14 out of the doorway and yelled at me for 30 minutes. THIS is the reason why DS14 always thinks I'm paranoid although I have reassured him consistently that I am not afraid of stbx)

I feel so horrible. I want to go back in time and keep my mouth shut. How do I reassure him? How should I apologize? I feel so guilty.

Since the incident that involved DS14, he has been carrying around the guilt of not protecting me and letting his dad in the house although he has been reassured time and time again that 1) it's not his job to protect me. I protect him. 2) None of us knew that stbx was going to do that. Since that incident, DS14 has cut all communication with stbx.

Shit! I feel so horrible. I just added one more issue he has to process when his poor psyche has so much to deal with already.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might just tell him that everything seems a bit more sinister in the dark of night and since it woke you from sleep and you were already having some unsettling dreams it just popped into your mind...But in the light of day things look different.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a bad mom at all honey. It's ok. Sometimes our mask that we wear in front of the kids slips off and they see what's underneath. I think it happens to all of us at one point or another.
I like debbysbaby's suggestion of saying that everything seems worse in the middle of the night, and saying that you are ok.

((hugs))


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if you are seriously afraid that your ex is capable of that, then you do not recant. Because sometime you may need them to call 911 for you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dmari))))
It was an honest and authentic moment. You are not a bad mom.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much. You don't know how much your response means to me. I wrote this post in the morning. At lunch time, I get a text from DS14 that he had a plan to commit suicide. Thankfully, we had his regularly scheduled appointment with his therapist right after school. He now has suicide prevention plan and will increase his therapy. The enormity of what he was going to do hit him last night. He stayed close to me all afternoon until he fell asleep. Within those hours, he brought up what I said the other night and I did apologize for scaring him and explained my mind was not clear at midnight.

Thank you again for your responses!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dmari))

You are a great mom.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How scary dmari!! I'm glad your son felt safe enough to tell you of his plan and that you could get him the help he needs to get through this time.

:( I *hate* what our ex-Doooshes have done to our kids.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 8

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