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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Would a move be in order?
bookjunkie
♀ Member
Member # 39033
Question  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We live in a small community and even though a small number of people know of the A, I don't believe that it's common knowledge. My problem is that I still hear things about the OM and his current life. And there is always the chance that we will run into him somewhere.

Have any of you moved to get away from this type of situation? I feel at times that we should and then others, not so much. Any advice or if you just want to relate your experience...thanks!


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 60 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my AP moved away and it was the BEST thing that could have happened... I would have moved had he not. I couldn't have stood running into him -ugh. And I would have wanted our community to be safe for his wife and my husband.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4495 | Registered: Dec 2010
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Potentially, yes. Sometimes the Geographic Cure is just what the doctor ordered.

Healing is not just something that we do on the inside, we have to change the environment as well. If you get a thorn, you pluck it out before putting the bandage on. You also don't generally go back and run your hands over the bush again.

Sometimes going someplace else and getting a fresh start is exactly the chance you need to redefine your life.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 215 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We moved about 2 hours away. It helped with respect to a lot of triggers (people who knew her, proximity, living in the house and remembering how horrible the A period was), but I do miss being closer to my family.

I'm a fan of a change of scenery, overall. We may try to move back, or at least closer than we are now. No regrets, though.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16363 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure our marriage would have survived if we had stayed in the community. I was lied to so much, I do not think I would have ever trusted enough to believe the A had stopped. I do not think many talked about it, but I would not have been able to handle the triggers.

Moving was incredibly healing for us. Not only did moving resolve some of the triggers and fears; but we also had to rely on each other for a while since we didn't know anyone. That also help build back some of the bonds.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
nicjean83
♀ New Member
Member # 40959
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think moving is an excellent Idea. We here at my end HAVE to move my OM lives 3/4 of a mile away!!!! might as well be next door. AND his brother lives on my street. Moving for sure is in the works for us.

Basically my thought is. If it feels right do it! don't worry about what others have done. Do what YOU need to do for YOUR family


Me- WS- 30
Him BS- 35
A- 1 month
Kids 1 age 6
D-day- 10/6/2013

"Just as night is followed by day,so to your dark times will be followed by brighter days"


Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Menifee Ca
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best thing we did.
Although we should of moved further away.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, the ow lived very far away, so we didn't need to move to get away from her. We did move, though. Not a big geographical change, but a change of scenery. The old house was associated with the A and other things that we wanted to change.

Sometimes, starting over means new surroundings. Whether to a new state, new town, or just a new neighborhood, moving can be a good thing.

JMO, but I think if you live in close proximity to the ap, you should get as far away as you can. How does your BS feel about it?

ETA: We downsized when we moved. I say that to point out that reduced financial pressure allowed us to focus more on us. Eventually it allowed me to change jobs and get a better schedule and focus even more on us. Just want to point out that I'm not suggesting that you go out and take on a bigger mortgage just to change the scenery.

[This message edited by longroadhome at 7:16 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fortunate that a move was in the cards from the get-go. I just had no idea that I would be doing more "moving away from" than "moving to."

In the end, it helped clear my mind a LOT to not be in constant proximity to my LTEA/Boss, and I'm more and more grateful with every passing day that I don't have to chance a random encounter in my private or official business circle.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH once wrote a line in a card (back when we were dating): I love you so much, I'd follow you all the way to Europe. We'd been joking about it ever since. Then, back in January, he interviewed for a position in Europe and landed the job! The international move certainly did not solve our problems, but you can't clean the floor with a dirty mop. Being able to focus on us without the interference of geographic triggers and the tension of potential crossed paths has immensely helped our healing.


Me: WW
DDay: 10 Aug 2012

Posts: 111 | Registered: Sep 2013
bookjunkie
♀ Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the replies.
We keep wavering between moving far off or just to a different location. My H actually did run into the OM several months back. They were both in their vehicles and when OM drove past, he wouldn't even look toward my H. When my H saw him next, he had gone to the police station parking lot. LOL! What a coward!

Has anyone found a move to make things more difficult as far as stress in the M? What I'm talking about is children having to change schools or just not knowing anyone and not having a support system where you moved to.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 60 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
bookjunkie
♀ Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by bookjunkie at 11:00 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 60 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children changed schools.
My oldest was a Sophmore and youngest was in 7th grade.
They did great with the move and liked it better. But they knew we were moving for over a year mom and dad just didn't find the right house and our house had to sell.
That being said. I moved away from all my friends too.
The only town I ever knew! But I had to or there was going to be trouble and it would of landed me in jail. I really don't trust myself and how I would react to this day depending on my mood I guess.
I wish I had moved further away. I only went 30ish minutes away. Dreaming of moving 6 hours further away now. New people New life I like it that way.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
bookjunkie
♀ Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Heartache101. That's what I'm looking for. My kids are 2nd year of college, sophmore in HS and 4th grade. And I'm hesitant to move them bc I move 3 states away from everything I knew when I was a freshman in HS. It was very hard on me and always said I wouldn't do that to my children. And they don't know about the A. I think the 16 y.o. knows there's been something "weird" has been going on between H and I, but she doesn't ask about it.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 60 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would absolutely love to move, today!

Too many painful reminders in this house, even though I love the house itself.

We live close to where ow works. The park at the the end of the road, I have to go by it every day, one of the worst ddays for me there.

Too many triggers here. I also dread that first encounter with ow, we live so close that it seems inevitable.

Would love to live where there are no reminders.

Fresh start.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1249 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks bookjunkie for asking this question and thanks to everyone who replied.

I am in a similar situation. We are about 99% certain this is what we want to do. Since the OW lives in the neighborhood, there are many triggers.

We struggled with making the choice for awhile. Now, the struggle moved to dealing with the anger that this is a consequence of my actions and trying to see this as something positive.. a new beginning for the whole family..


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm curious.. would any WS be opposed to moving?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4495 | Registered: Dec 2010
momwith2boys
♀ New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could move sometimes. We actually moved during his affair to a bigger house in the same neighborhood . If I had known, I wouldn' t have moved or moved far far away from her . We actually considered moving in other parts of town further away from our friends but decided not to because we wanted to be closer to our friends. If I known my friend was screwing my husband I wouldn't have made that decision. Now that I know about the affair, I absolutely hate living so close to her and already had a run in on her at target . We also have mutual friends so it is torture hearing about her or seeing her pics on Facebook. I am just hoping they decide to move so I don't have to Worry about run ins or the affair continuing.


Me BW 34
husband 34
Married 9 years, together 12 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (6 & 2)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 34 | Registered: Nov 2012
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the WS. My BH and I were/ are in Enthusiastic Agreement about the move.

Our sons started 6th grade and 10th grade in our new community. Our older one actually saw the move as a chance to start over for himself. He has flourished. Our younger one has had a little harder time adjusting, but overall seems to be doing well.

I feel like the move has given us a chance to practice the new communication skills that we are (I am) learning. But, keep in mind that the move for us was less about the Affair and more about timing. We didn't move just because of the Affair, it just became a possibility for us at a time when we needed a change of scenery.


Me: WW
DDay: 10 Aug 2012

Posts: 111 | Registered: Sep 2013
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would LOVE to move anywhere far from here. I hate that my BH and the BW of xAP have the risk of encounters and constant geographical triggers. A move isn't in the works for us right now but we are keeping open to the possibility.

Basically if my BH says he is ready to move I'm ready and willing to move heaven and earth to make it happen.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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