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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Would a move be in order?
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, I have had a two moves after separate D Days and can give you my perspective.

The first D Day we were in the process of relocating 2,000 miles away from our home city. I think healing and rebuilding in a new and exciting area (Seattle) was extremely healing for me - we reconnected with all of our new adventures exploring the new city, I didn't have visual triggers of the A (hotels/restaurants they went to), I wasn't scared that the OW was going to follow us, and we had to depend on each other which really helped rebuild our closeness. We also went to some MC and the A wasn't totally swept under the rug (his issues were, but there was some attempt to address the M) It took me awhile to get a job which allowed for some extra free time to focus on the M. In that case moving added to our R.

10 years later we had another D Day and moved out of state 6 months later for his job. This time the move was more harmful the helpful. The A's weren't acknowledged (because he hadn't actually had a full PA with anyone so he was denying and I was stuffing it), there was just major rug sweeping. I was very resentful about the A and that I moved for him and gave up a great job and beautiful home. The only helpful thing was that I didn't worry about him cheating while traveling because he did not travel in this position.

So, now trying to R after D Day #3. I would LOVE to move away. I get bombarded by visual triggers pretty much were ever I go. The OW was in my house and knows where I live. She works 2 miles from him. He's an SA and every time we go to the mall or out to eat I worry that we might run into someone he "knows". Moving would ease my anxiety and triggers quite a bit and would accelerate healing and rebuilding.

BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just moved. We lived nowhere near marriedOW- airplanes and international borders involved in all A activities. And she never entered our home.

We moved to another town, and cut down our commutes and my isolation. Even though MarriedOW was never in my house, moving made me aware of how much I associated the old house with pain. We moved there about year before the A started, and lived there 4 years in total. One year before A, <2 years of the A, and 1+ year since d day.

I am thrilled to move and start fresh. It is one of the best things we have done to help our R in my opinion. It is new, and we are doing it together. And WH wants me to take the lead on a lot of things.

Our kids are younger and they don't have to change schools. We had a commute to their school and WH work and our social networks. I had no social support or network in our old community. I have moved closer to friends with new move.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We/I was lucky my AP and her husband had already moved way out of the area. I am very glad to never see her again. That said my wife might want to just to beat her face in...I understand that. Anyway, I think moving is a good thing to do but I defiantly think that it should be on your BS wishes. I do not think that you should pressure them to move. I think if they don't want to then you should except that you may have to be uncomfortable if you see them. I do think that you should make it clear that you are more then willing to move if they wish to no excuses like job, schools or location. Of course don't say it if you don't mean it.

BS-Her (Lostinthismess)

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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