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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When they don't want D, but they won't R...yet
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce in process but WH is against the whole idea. Yet he never did any of the work to R, never fully committed, never begged, pleaded or demanded I return home after I moved out. Never a sign that me and our daughter meant more to him than anything.

And still he says he doesn't want the D to go through. Yet he's not fully "in" either.

To me, this means one thing. On the fence still.

None of the bull about "Well, I wanted to be free of all feelings for OW before I committed to the marriage again" or, "If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."

To me, those words now are just stalling mechanisms. He's trying to use them again and I have turned a deaf ear to all of it. Divorce moving forward.

I guess it hasn't been all that long, but to me it feels like years since dday. 1 year and 3 months of his attempting to fence sit and eat cake probably isn't all that long compared to others here. It just feels like its been going on since the dawn of man.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - I could have written your post, even a year ago.

I am now fully committed to following through with the divorce. My STBXH, was also sitting on the fence. But he was sitting there because I would ALLOW him to.

Like you, he didn't fight for me, he didn't go to counseling as I requested, he didn't any necessary work, to show TRUE remorse.

And Like you, he would also say the same thing, about how he was afraid, that he had damaged our relationship forever! But yet would do nothing to fix it.

I filed for divorce in the beginning and I kept letting him back into my life - to the same exact results every time.

To this day, he has not taken one step in responding to my filing of divorce, "because he was always thinking that we would get back together" but still would not doing any of the R work.

I would say, go NC and move on, don't make the same mistake, hoping that he'll change, hoping that this time.. this time, things will be different. All it got me was an even more broken heart every time.

Your WH, has had plenty of time to show you in actions that he doesn't want the divorce. And he hasn't!

I read in another site this - something like this; "if he in fact does love you, he doesn't love you ENOUGH" and we deserve to be loved.


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When they don't want D, but won't R, you continue with the D, and actually, push the D through. He's keeping you as a plan B, and remember, he can also screw you up financially at any time. Take out a huge loan, that you will be half responsible for. Overdraft the accounts. Pay for someone else's rent. Run up the credit cards.

You will be responsible for half, as marital debt. Put your emotions aside, and get that D through, to protect yourself. This is a business deal now. He won't get off the fence....push him.

If it does wake him up, and he suddenly does do your R requirements, AND you decide you do want him back, you can always stop it, or date him after divorce. Right now, it's business. Protect yourself.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5359 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the responses. Much appreciated and great advice.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I agree with protecting your finances. This may sound jaded, but I think that's what these fence sitters are doing, protecting their finances. Against SS and CS and division of assets. If it was truly about helping you heal and you wanted a divorce, he should be helping you get one. Not worrying about what he wants. ((hugs))


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1157 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a name for it - cake eating.

Two tag lines here come to mind:

Don't make someone a priority when they have you as an option. (something like that!)

And

Pack up your things, I've made up your mind.

Easy for me to say - I waited until he forced my hand before I was D.O.N.E. I waited right up until I reached the point where had i continued I may not have survived this with my sanity intact. Lots of us do, unfortunately.

ATM I'm waiting for him to file D papers. I consider myself divorced - I'm leaving the running around to him given he seems like 'running around' so much! See what I did there?

18m ago I never would have believed I would one day be laughing about this shit. It does happen.

((Spelljean))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seen on my Facebook today: There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for someone who won't jump puddles for you. Man is that true..

He is completely disrespecting you with this attitude. FTG.

"If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."

Geez, they really do have a handbook. STBX said the exact same thing to me. Well yeah, douchebag, I'm not gonna get past it when you're still fucking the bitch! Just another lame excuse for not facing himself and dealing with his issues. Yeah they affair down, cause a real woman doesn't share her man.

Mine said he didn't want D either. Cause the best he can think of is keeping me and his girlfriend, and the gall of me to not give him his wish.

Why do these motherfuckers think we are going to wait around while they "figure out" what they want? Fuck you asshole!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1989 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."
Geez, they really do have a handbook. STBX said the exact same thing to me.

As my STBXWW said to me as well. Verbatim. As well as "Wanting to be completely over the POS so I can return to you as the wife you need me to be."

What vile rot. What audacity and disrespect. Thank god I came to my senses before, like you, SBB, I felt my very sanity was at stake and I filed.

Be done with these people. Just... Done. Leave them behind in their sick, cruel selfishness and find our happiness.

Strength to all!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is avoiding CS and SS too. He also may be stalling so he can hide assets. Don't stop with the D. Long after he is gone, you need to pay rent.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If it was truly about helping you heal and you wanted a divorce, he should be helping you get one. Not worrying about what he wants."

That's why we are here, huh?

Because all they do is worry about what THEY want.

I agree, time for business. Because they only think of themselves, it's time for you to think about you. I'll do the same.


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
Heal&Deal
♀ Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH did not want D either. He wanted 24/7, no notice, access to DS without child support. He wanted to say he was married for appearances and have a girlfriend on the side to keep things lively. He wanted to continue to have access to the family home.

He never wanted to R. He just wanted to talk about it enough to keep me interested, so he could continue with the double life.

He never responded to D and I ultimately got a default D, which is a beautiful thing, because, as it turns out courts don't like being ignored. I got every thing I asked for.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go by actions and not words. He is saying he doesn't want a divorce but hasn't taken any steps to not divorce. To me that says he wants to divorce no matter what he may be saying. I agree, protect yourself.

Posts: 448 | Registered: Aug 2009
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that I particularly advocate it...but I just bet he would leap off the fence if he thought you were dating or someone was interested in you. My WH was all about his new life until he realized I could do the same. He woke right up...and I didn't even do anything.

Funny thing what's good for the goose is good for the gander. ( my Mom's old southern saying)


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 591 | Registered: Jul 2012
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is exactly what happened to me, WH mentioned once about divorce but never mention it again, as it seems too much to lose for him.

But I pushed him to get our SA drafted up by a lawyer, but two days before the final signing appointment, he took off and visiting OW again.
Finally I filed and he was served, he was not happy as he always wants an amicable one without huge lawyer bills, but do I care at the point??

Anyway he begged me for forgiveness but again not sincere enough, not truly remorseful, so I pushed again to either final sign the SA we had before or to reponds to the my lawyer.

So we did finally sign the SA, it is OVER! It is not easy but glad I filed!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Kick over the damn fence." - Ser

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Kick over the damn fence." - Ser
^^^This...along with piss all over the cake then step in it for good measure. Remove yourself as an option and the real him will come out. Actually the real him has been out the entire time. The fact that he hasn't done anything shows you exactly who he is.

I was you. It took me 2 years to finally realize that filing was the ony way to free myself and protect myself financially. My STBX said she wanted out but took ZERO steps towards doing it. I had to file. I wish I had done it sooner since I gave up an additional 2 years and a 3rd waiting on this dumbass 1 year waiting period to go by. He isn't remorseful so your only option really is to file. I wish you the best but he will continue to string you along for as long as you allow him too.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1800 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just more passive-aggressive bullshit from people that can't ever live an authentic life.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7405 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many years ago I was almost exactly where you are now. X said he did not want D but did nothing to R. He was supposedly NC. 1 year after dday I discovered he had a secret cell phone and I filed for D. He said to me "Aren't you being hasty?" Umn, no. A year of limbo is more than enough, thank you very much. Now, 7 years after the D, he still does not get it. He does not understand why I won't be his friend. At one point several years after the D, he broke up with OW and wanted to live in my basement

I can tell you what your stbx wants. He wants life to go back to the time before dday when you did not know he was betraying you and he had you at home and OW on the side. For him, life was sweet then and he longs to return to it. And he could if only he can get you to cooperate damnit!


(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for someone who won't jump puddles for you.

^^^^^^THIS. *SO* very much THIS!

If they won't R at this point, they want a D - you have given him long enough to make up his mind. his indecision *IS* in fact a decision.

(((JEAN))))


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you what your stbx wants. He wants life to go back to the time before dday when you did not know he was betraying you and he had you at home and OW on the side. For him, life was sweet then and he longs to return to it. And he could if only he can get you to cooperate damnit!

Hilariously true.


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
Topic Posts: 27
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