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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When they don't want D, but they won't R...yet
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

all the responses are so greatly appreciated.

apparently my pushing D through is giving WH a nervous stomach.

Gee, I have no clue what THAT feels like. Nervous stomach....that was the easiest part of everything since dday for me.

WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a term here that comes to mind called "boomerang", when a person comes back and forth to another for a relationship.

To me, this is about your own threshold or deal breaker. how much are you willing to put up with? I was struck one day by the sheer lack of respect to me, in a hugely public way that the XPervert was up to and that really helped me to see things in a different light. He didn't take me seriously as a person or our M or DD. One thing I crave is respect and am getting that now, while he is going down the tubes.

One thing that really helped was when I could stop thinking of him and make life and my thoughts about me. As A SAHM for 20 years, that was extremely hard, but I did it and it was eye opening.

Also, as long as you sit on the fence, he's got you cornered and who knows what he's out doing?

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was my story. Yesterday I saw a suspicious text and it looks like he''s up to another A. Unremorseful means they'll do it again in a heartbeat. Don''t waste time like I did! Escape!

[This message edited by careerlady at 10:37 AM, October 26th, 2013 (Saturday)]

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same thing here. Went thru 3 years of MC before I finally had enough. He didn't want to D and said he wanted to R, but his heart was never in it. I should have seen through his facade much sooner.

The dream of the day we are D helps to keep me moving forward, day by day.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i went thru this. I took it as a sign he didnt want a divorce so i could cling to hope. 3 yrs later and multiple affairs by him and I finally divorced. he was upset that I was happy when it went thru. even after D he played the i want you but maybe I dont crap. especially if I was dating. so dont expect him to ever change. far too many spouses do this. its called being an a hole :)

6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."

Mine said this ^^^ too. It's a rationalization to keep doing what they are doing. They convince themselves the fight isn't worth it and give up.

One thing that really helped was when I could stop thinking of him and make life and my thoughts about me.

This ^^^ Is HUGE, especially for a SAHM or the "fixer" or what I call the "default parent".
Now that my STBXWH and I have 50/50 custody I get a whole week at a time where I don't take care of anyone but ME.
I haven't been able to do that in years.
I have been in this same position for months,him fence sitting. And I think that tomorrow we are finally going to sign the final divorce papers.
We will see.
So bittersweet. I do love that man.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 8:00 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not making a decision actually IS a decision. Kind of passive aggressive -how the dooosh operates- but a decision none the less.

You have to decide if waiting for him to choose is reality or not. I'd guess not, but only because that is my experience. The majority of fence sitters don't jump off- we had to push them!

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 27
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