The OW's IC has done marriage counseling with both OW and her BS. From the emails she wrote to my WH, the counselor and the OW knew that my husband and she were involved. She encouraged OW to be careful and take it slow (according to OW's emails). BUT, when they had MC the husband DID NOT know about the ongoing affair. This counselor has had nothing to do with us. She is in another state. I believe he suspected because in a few of her emails, she mentioned that her husband was asking questions and saying that he thought there was someone else. He is also the computer geek in the family while she was learning how to hide her tracks as she went deeper and deeper into deception. I hope he found the emails. I would love to call him and find out if he knows. I have tried to and also had someone else from out of state try to because she blocked my number. He doesn't answer the phone, he is an introvert of introverts according to her. I think it will come out eventually and I have not promised to never tell.

If WH does anything to cause me to believe he is contacting her again, I will call no matter what. Then, I will tell the counselor why I did.

I don't get the MC. I absolutely agree that ow is not your problem, and the less energy you focus on the ow, the better.

But telling isn't at all about hurting ow. It's all about protecting the oBS, and once it's done, it's done.

You've expended some serious energy in finding oBS, more than many of us would. It sounds like you haven't found him for sure, though. You could just drop this, and give yourself a pat on the back. Or you could do some more digging, and, if you find him, offer your info.

Either way is OK. But it sounds like you can't heal unless you do one or the other, so choose and celebrate what you've done.