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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not telling the other betrayed spouse
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to clarify what I just wrote. The marriage counselor my WH and I are seeing has NOT seen WH's OW and her BH. She made it clear to me that I should not tell the OBH because she wanted us to focus on our marriage. The way she said it and what she said afterward communicated to me that she would not work with us if I told. I could be wrong. She said that getting through this is hard work and we need to be willing to work with her, she said that she works hard to help couples and she doesn't want to work harder than we do. This was after the discussion about not telling the other BS. I think she is really good and she has explained a lot of the effects of WHs behavior on me. My WH has always been emotionally immature so I don't think he is getting it very fast but I feel validated and hopeful when she talks to us. I believe she is there for both of us and sincerely believes to let the OW and her BS deal with their own marriage.

The OW's IC has done marriage counseling with both OW and her BS. From the emails she wrote to my WH, the counselor and the OW knew that my husband and she were involved. She encouraged OW to be careful and take it slow (according to OW's emails). BUT, when they had MC the husband DID NOT know about the ongoing affair. This counselor has had nothing to do with us. She is in another state. I believe he suspected because in a few of her emails, she mentioned that her husband was asking questions and saying that he thought there was someone else. He is also the computer geek in the family while she was learning how to hide her tracks as she went deeper and deeper into deception. I hope he found the emails. I would love to call him and find out if he knows. I have tried to and also had someone else from out of state try to because she blocked my number. He doesn't answer the phone, he is an introvert of introverts according to her. I think it will come out eventually and I have not promised to never tell.

If WH does anything to cause me to believe he is contacting her again, I will call no matter what. Then, I will tell the counselor why I did.

Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your MC wants you to focus on your M, but her prohibition on telling oBS has backfired - you think about outing the A a lot. In your case, telling would have allowed you to focus more on your M.

I don't get the MC. I absolutely agree that ow is not your problem, and the less energy you focus on the ow, the better.

But telling isn't at all about hurting ow. It's all about protecting the oBS, and once it's done, it's done.

You've expended some serious energy in finding oBS, more than many of us would. It sounds like you haven't found him for sure, though. You could just drop this, and give yourself a pat on the back. Or you could do some more digging, and, if you find him, offer your info.

Either way is OK. But it sounds like you can't heal unless you do one or the other, so choose and celebrate what you've done.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 22
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