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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Our five-year anniversary is next week.
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you feel that you love him so much that you would be willing to stay with him if he was to repeatedly hurt you?

(Hypothetically that is - I'm not saying to not give him the chance to do right)


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
embee
♀ Member
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I don't have a reason why, it's just how I feel.

It helps that I know he wouldn't stay in contact with her to deliberately hurt me. It's not about me at all. I know that doesn't make it okay, but it's not on the same level as purposeful emotional abuse. And all I want, all I've ever wanted, is for him to be happy. That's why I let this "friendship" go on so long in the first place.

I know that I have a problem with sacrificing my own needs for other people, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to change how I feel.


Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13
Separated

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."


Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he commits to your relationship, he is taking your feelings into consideration.
If he leaves your relationship, because it isn't working, he is taking your feelings into account.
If he stays with the other woman, he is doing so knowing that it hurts you. That is a deliberate choice where he believes his selfish desires outweigh the pain and destruction he will cause.

Are you afraid that you don't deserve better than this current situation?


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
embee
♀ Member
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently.

Right now, the idea of having him gone from my life sounds about 10000000000000000x worse than having him around, but still talking to her. Is that sick? Maybe. But that's just how I feel.


Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13
Separated

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."


Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
Euphonasia
♀ New Member
Member # 39285
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, you seem to be struggling and I hate to see that. But until he goes NC, you will have no peace of mind. And if he is unwilling, then he is not worth your time. You deserve so much, and half of your spouses heart is not it. And as hard as this thought is, as desperate as you are, I can tell you this: You will eventually be fine without him. In the beginning, it hurts, and it hurts so badly that you feel like you want to die. But it gets easier each and every hour. And then, you start doing the things you love again and expanding your life into circles that you wouldn't have otherwise done. And then you realize something; you are just as happy and complete of a person with him as you are without him. You will get through this and you will be strong. Just know that you honestly don't need a spouse to be complete, and until you are happy with yourself, you will never be happy with someone else. ((((((((Infinite hugs)))))))))


"When I die, hallelujah bye and bye, I'll fly away."
Multiple D-days, divorcing

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern United States
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Embee,
Our stories are somewhat similar. OW was a close family friend. . .I, too, ignored the signs she thought my husband was extra special. I actually was happy that she and her husband had genuine affection for my family. We may never be able to have a close couple friend again. . . It is too confusing/painful.

But, I recommend you get the book Not Just Friends, stat. It really helped defog my H. On & closely after dday he was confused by the "feelings" he was having for OW, and felt like he was giving up something special.

Well guess what, those feelings pass, and he will likely wake up to reality. You be a rock, and believe in your self worth. Read the book with him. There is a lot of learning to do, but this is doable!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
embee
♀ Member
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for your support. I was able to write what I think is a pretty coherent explanation of why NC is the only way forward. He keeps saying "we can make it work" ("it" meaning he stays in contact with her as friends only). At first I reacted in terms of "everyone says that won't work," which was a weak argument in comparison to the reality of the situation, which is that I can't put up with it. He wants to pretend like their friendship was totally fine and appropriate until he "crossed the line" but that's clearly not the case. I knew something was wrong from the beginning, and no matter how you slice it, their relationship nearly destroyed ours. It's poisonous.

Not sure when/how to share this with him, but I feel a little more prepared now for our next therapy session. Tomorrow I swing by the library to pick up a bunch of books, including Not Just Friends. Hoping that will help a lot too.


Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13
Separated

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."


Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Sweet Mary Mother of Jesus........


Em, your cheating spouse DID NOT make a mistake. A mistake is putting on one black sock and one blue sock or turning left when you should have turned right.

Your WS made the deliberate CHOICE to have sex with someone other than you, his wife. They PLANNED it. Nobody forced them to take their clothes off and "insert tab A into slot B". And they did it multiple times. And the worst thing is they probably played the martyr to each other talking about how horribly you would be hurt if you ever found out. But that never stopped them because they are selfish people.

Em, you are 26 years old and these two people treated you like crap and basically told you that you didn't matter.

And now your cheating spouse is playing the martyr again and making you feel horrible because you burst his magical affair bubble.

And the worst part is....he has zero respect for you.

Em, if there are no kids in the mix think long and hard as to whether you want to stay with a person who does not respect you.

My FWS had 14 affairs and his last one was a carbon copy of your situation. And that OW knows better than to show her face around me because I was NOT nice, NOT empathic about her feelings, and called her what she was.

Girl...get angry. Don't try to sweep this under the rug. You deserve a better life.

Mods....I'm backing out of this thread. It hit too close to home and I don't want to see her repeat my life.

Good luck Em.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6522 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got that from my WH too... "We are different, we are special" when I told him to heal he needed to go NC with OW....

He said they can still be friends.....that's a load of garbage.

WH keeps saying "my IC said you (BS) will never trust me again." And he says " My IC says OW will never trust me again" ..If they are "just friends" what is that trust he is talking about? what a load of crap....


Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
glaciergal
New Member
Member # 40777
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are things going, embee? Please post here if you need support or just want to vent. My thoughts are with you because our situations are/were so similar. How is the roller coaster going? Is the OW still friends with your husband?


DD - 10/12
11/3/12 - he asked for divorce
11/15/12 - beginning of R
April '13 - he says he is DONE no chance of further R

Posts: 18 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Alaska
Topic Posts: 30
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