Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: elevens (44218)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Yikes! I forgot to handle this part...(vent)
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On D-Day, I was filled with all sorts of horror, and I started to work through it step by step. It turns out, I think, all the feelings I've been dealing with are from post D-Day.

In the past couple of months, running up to our 3rd antiversary, a new thought has been bouncing around in my head: this isn't the 3rd time I've had to deal with the A season; it's the 4th. It's just that I didn't know it was the A season when the damned A was going on.

I've dealt and continue to deal with the fallout of D-Day (i.e. post-D-Day feelings), but I've just realized I have to deal with the fallout of the actual A -

the hours I spent watching TV - or porn - when my W was 'helping' ow,
the awful Saturdays - W didn't see ow then, but she was so exhausted we couldn't plan anything, because she'd usually want to cancel,
the awful Sundays - like Saturday, and she usually had a long phone call with ow, and sometimes phone sex, Sunday evenings,
the help W asked for and received - help that enabled the A
the lies,
all the other crap that goes with an A.

I watched porn while she was with ow. I couldn't figure out why I was doing it. I went to bed later than she did and got up earlier, thus avoiding lots of opportunity for sexual connecting during the A. I couldn't figure out why I did that. I never avoided sex before, and porn never came close to replacing real connection before. I felt lost and powerless and didn’t even recognize what I felt.

I saw evidence of the A as it went on. I asked W if she was cheating, but she denied it. I saw more evidence, asked again, got another denial.

This sucks.

I know. I know. 2-5 years.

I don't know how many BSes gloss over feelings from the A period itself. I don't think it matters - we all heal on our own sweet time schedule, and if we try to push through faster, we just skip steps. (JMO, of course, despite the way I phrased that.)

I do see some humor in the fact that it took me 3 years to realize I felt awful - sad, angry, scared - during the A. I was so sure I'd recover in less than 2 years. Go figure.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9734 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand this. I keep thinking about fights that we had, and he would say such bizarre things... we had one argument where he was saying that a younger woman will always be more beautiful than an older woman, because younger just is more beautiful. And I was dumbfounded, thinking, how can you be such an A-hole and say that right to my face, and expect me not to be hurt and insulted and indignant. And he made it sound like I was just really insecure and needed to just accept that I wasn't the most beautiful woman in the world. And I think about arguments like that, and I know now that he was in the middle of the A with a woman half my age. It sucks.

I remember asking him if he was having an A. He denied. I remember saying the stupidest things to him during the A, like, 'I don't know how people don't KNOW when their spouse is having an affair. I would know if something was 'off' between us.' And I think now, wow, he was in the middle of an A right then and I didn't know it.

It's hard to go back and process everything again through this new lens. Why I felt like sh*t all the time, why no matter what I did it just wasn't good enough. why I would lay beside him in bed at night and feel like I was sleeping with a stranger. I spent hours and hours and hours on websites trying to find ways to 'spice up your marriage'.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to process all of it. If I think too long about it, I want to die. I wonder if everyone who finds out about an A feels like they married a sociopath?


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah somehow overachiever status in our parts of our lives doesn't really translate here, does it?

I was fucking crazy during his affair. Really. Miserable. Awful. Lost and confused as to why I was in such misery. Thought there was something very much wrong with me.

So yes, you have to deal with that. Knowing that they watched you losing your mind but kept up with their merry antics regardless. He totally ruined this beautiful trip his mother paid for with his whole family to Hawaii. Such a dick!

Anywho, I have no doubt Sisoon that you will handle this with your usual deft touch.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6287 | Registered: Jan 2011
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I was so sure I'd recover in less than 2 years. Go figure."

I will see that and raise it.

We were going to be fixed by 'love' in 6 months.

What an idiot I WAS!

Oh well. Work through it at your pace. Have you considered IC? I didn't start IC until last year(Did I mention I am a slow learner?). It is HARD. But worth it. I wish you nothing but success and peace. Hang in there.

[This message edited by redrock at 5:54 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
betrayedme2
♂ Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisson, don't dwelling on it too much. I too look back and see many warning signs that I should have noticed, but back then I thought she loved me and there was nothing to worry about. Questioned myself if I intentionally looked the other way. Hell no! Shit sandwich was served.


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny how I'm realizing, right now, that all this time I've been telling myself that we were happily married until the A... and I am realizing that, no, no we were not happy. I was very, very unhappy. I just thought the marriage was FINE, it was me that had the problems.

The moment I knew I would stay and try to work it out was when he said to me, 'You weren't crazy. All those times I let you believe that you were crazy... you weren't crazy. I let you believe that to protect myself. I'm so very sorry for that'. Maybe that's the moment I should have left... it just felt so good to finally hear him tell the truth to me.

I guess I rewrote our marriage history as much as he did.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2013
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through our life during the A with a fine tooth comb.we had just had a baby in a May after years of infertility. I thought we would SO happy! Then I saw WH and OW getting closer and warned him. He promised they would never be more than friends. Little did I know she had been sending him raunchy pics of herself for over 2 years. Then I noticed him pulling away. I thought he was overwhelmed with being a Dad and how much work it was. Sometime in January he and OW were now hanging out outside of work and told him I was uncomfortable with it, I also told him he seemed unhappy and he assured me everything was fine.
Everything was not fine, he was doing the bare minimum at home and with our son and I was full of rage. I tried to talk to him about it but most of the time I was so angry.
Like plainpain, if I think about it too much, it kills me. He says he didn't see it, wasn't thinking about us at all. As much as that hurts I hold onto it because if he was thinking about us and still doing it, I don't know if I could stay.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon….I think this is totally normal. I think this is the way it happens, the healing.

Right after dday, there is so much crazy that I don't think you can really process all the emotions and deal with looking at the past and the feelings you had during the A.

It is ironic that you posted this today. I have been doing very well the past few weeks. I have come to an acceptance of sorts. I just kind of decided to accept that there was more to this A than my WH wants to admit. And it was peaceful.

But for some reason today, I made myself go back and look at credit card statements and all these emotions came back. I remembered what it felt like at that moment in time, during those months…it felt horrible, really, really crappy.

And I too knew something was off. I didn't REALLY think and A because I didn't think my WH had the balls to do that to me. HA! But I did think that he was too close to this OW and I said so, many times.

And he made me feel crazy for thinking that, he told me too bad, that I couldn't tell him who to be friends with, that she was work colleague and I know nothing about work colleagues (talk about twisting the knife with that one).

I really felt like crap today. I was hurting. I felt all those feelings again and it sucked. And you know what, I don't know that I could mention it to my WH. He just gets angry anymore. I know it is not remorseful even though he is doing what he should be. He just isn't really saying what I would want him to especially when I trigger.

Are these my feelings to deal with? Are they yours to deal with too? It seems selfish that our WS's should get a pass when it comes to helping us sort through our feelings, doesn't it? Shouldn't they be doing something since they caused this or is this one on me?

Do you have any insight on that?

Hugs Sisoon! You are such a source of strength here that sometimes it is easy to forget that you are hurting to. Sorry you are having a bad day as well.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:58 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1409 | Registered: Jun 2012
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokensmile: You said: Are these my feelings to deal with? Are they yours to deal with too? It seems selfish that our WS's should get a pass when it comes to helping us sort through our feelings, doesn't it? Shouldn't they be doing something since they caused this or is this one on me?

Do you have any insight on that?


I go over this too and it seems that the BS does INDEED have to carry a bit of the heavier burden in recovery....I found recently that it does not help me or us if I don't sometimes "hide" the tears...yes, he needs to help me through it but I have to help me as well...what a way to learn how to be a stronger person! I found now that I think we have talked it out enough...I am pretty much satisfied (as satisfied as can be expected in these cases)...but I need to work though the emotions still...girlfriends, therapists help here and then the R can keep moving forward. I don't know how many agree with me here, but I sincerely believe a remorseful spouse is really hurting and does not want to be "reminded" how they so horribly hurt the person they really love...hey I am writing this here, but believe me I KNOW how difficult it is to NOT always sob in their arms becasue doing so would reopen wounds for both...leting go, the past is the past...emotions are not always RIGHt and blah and ...sigh, sigh, sigh...I guess you know the routine too!

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:41 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sisoon,

I too experienced what you describe. During the time while she was having her As, I was over-eating and drinking too much. I had anger and road rage that I acted out on. I was not the "me" I like to be. I also accepted behavior from her that I should not have.

For me, healing began with the most recent hurts of TT, lying, and wayward behavior, and then worked its way back to dday, through the As, and then to the pre-A behaviors.

My IC helped with sorting some of these behaviors out, others are pretty obvious when I look at them with my eyes open. I use these experiences now as benchmarks. If I ever find myself drifting into similar behaviors I know I need to search the symptom for the cause. If my shirts and pants are getting tight because I am eating more, I have to find what is eating me. If I lash out in anger, or feel like doing so, I need to understand the source of that anger.

Are these my feelings to deal with? Are they yours to deal with too?

brokensmile,

Yes, they are all yours and ours.

It seems selfish that our WS's should get a pass when it comes to helping us sort through our feelings, doesn't it? Shouldn't they be doing something since they caused this or is this one on me?

The thing is, the WS cannot heal you. Just like if you are injured in an accident, you are the one who must do the physical therapy, withstand the pain, and work to be healthier. The WS can help by not inflicting any more damage, providing a supportive environment where resources (books, IC, financial resources) are available, and taking ownership of the damage he or she inflicted. But the actual working through of feelings and healing of self is on the BS.

I do believe that after dday the BS has more to work through. The WS has been aware of what is going on, so the wayward acting out is not new or a shock to him or her, as it is to the BS. The WS often identifies “reasons” that led to or facilitated the A (FOO, addictions, personality disorders, sloppy boundaries, being an asshole), and can work to change these behaviors and be a “new” person, to have a restart.

For the BS there is not such an epiphany moment. We are now essentially, who we were then. So how could we have been so wrong, allowed such a trespass against us? What do WE change to be new and improved? Sure, we gain some insights and new perceptions and behaviors, but mostly we are left to incorporate what happened in our M, and our behaviors at that time, into our self. There is not such a strong and well demarcated “us then” versus “us now”.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4076 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting a D and I could have typed your post word for word almost.

what rebreather wrote below also applies to me.

I was fucking crazy during his affair. Really. Miserable. Awful. Lost and confused as to why I was in such misery. Thought there was something very much wrong with me.

So yes, you have to deal with that. Knowing that they watched you losing your mind but kept up with their merry antics regardless.

I am struggling now because I didn't deal with how I felt during the A while I was in false R. So now that I am S and will be D soon I get to deal with that. It manifests itself in a shit ton of anger. Mostly at myself for not being "smart" enough to figure it out when it was right in front of my face for YEARS. I also was gaslit when I knew the truth but I couldn't face it then. I convinced myself that I was the problem and she sat there and allowed me to feel that way. So now I get to work through that and try to coparent at the same time. It's not easy but i'm doing it. I have to remind myself to cut myself some slack from time to time.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:25 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1806 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this Sisoon. H's' A lasted two years (Sept. 09-Dec. 11). It is A season for me now. I knew hours into D-Day that we had been incredibly unhappy but. But during that actual time, I thought it was just me. That "nothing is every good enough for you, LA!"

For the first year I had many feelings about our M, but the Summer of 2010 was one of our best. He seemed happy (he was "getting it" while we were home visiting my fam for almost 3 weeks). But I was happy bc the kids were that much older. We did several really fun family outings and when he could not attend, I was just happy to be with my parents and sister. I felt so dumb after D-Day and angry bc of that. How he used not just me but them as well. But in this first year I didn't really notice his disconnect. I was too busy enjoying the freedom my aging kids brought me.

In year 2 of the A, I noticed it. I felt something was really off. I would say to him, "I don't trust you and I don' know why... ".

I became angrier.

I flirted back with one of his friends who visits our province every summer. I was so turned on that this guy was giving me attention. I realized it had been so long since my H had really given me attention. I fantasized about him. I grew more interested in porn. We had sex 2/month. I was relieved when he went away on biz.

He was also playing a lot of on-line poker and spending more time out with the guys. I felt like he wasn't present. And he wasn't! I was miserable in 2011. We were in counseling but something was missing. Our MC agreed.

In 2012, the PA was over but they kept in touch. I noticed him....coming back to me. More attentive. Trying. I tried too. I remember telling myself that I did not want a D. That I wanted our M to work. He became skittish towards the end of the year. I started getting that feeling again that something was off. This time, I paid more attn. Watched him. She didn't live here so it was hard to catch him in anything. There was a biz dinner (big group thing)on Dec. 5/2012. He was going to stay over but decided against it. He came home. When he said goodnight to me he sounded....relieved.

I found out on his bday, Dec. 6th. She gave him a card the night before.

I am not one of those people who thought we had a happy M during his A. We didn't. We were happy that first year but not as a couple. I didn't notice that until year two.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:53 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2106 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,

Thanks for your input. I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't process first to last in sequence. It doesn't fit with what this ex-historian thinks should happen, but it is what it is. Besides, at this point in my life, I find lots of humor in beliefs about 'what should happen'. So often life just doesn't work out that way, and sometimes the surprises actually make life better. The surprise of the A sucks, but I'd hate to live without surprises.

I think it's fair to say our M pre-A was good and maybe very good. My W says she 'thought' her relationship with ow allowed her to evolve to a level where she could add a 2nd love to her first. She knew she was happier and better off with me than alone. she's said that the base of support and love she got from me allowed her to conduct her A. Yikes.

Alas, I thought she felt real happiness with me, but being with me just gave her some protection against her demons. She felt less pain, not real happiness. She actually added ow as a way to avoid dealing with her own pain; it was devolution, not evolution.

Meanwhile, until sometime after she met ow, I liked her more the more I knew her. Since I pretty much knew her better each day, I pretty much liked her better and better each day.

But here's the thing - pre-A, I liked her better each day and thought about it infrequently. During the A, I constantly thought about liking her better each day but felt uncomfortable.

I told myself the internal message was, 'I like her better each day!'

I think the real message was something like, 'I used to like her more each day. Now I don't. I need to recognize that and take action.'

Looking back, I'm concluding that by the time the real message came, I just didn't want to face it. By that point, I felt hopeless, powerless, and scared. I took very little action, and that was tentative. (I'm proud of the action I took, though.)

Our MC has said all along I couldn't have prevented the A, nor could I have shortened it. If I had threatened to kick her out, MC says, W would have gone underground.

I agree with her (MC) on the first part, and I guess I've come to agree on the 2nd. My W said maybe if I cried from my gut about how I felt during the A, she would have stopped. I thinks that's bullshit. First, I valued her independence, and I chalked my feelings up to my old fear of abandonment - i.e., the problem was mine, not hers, and there's no way I would have dumped it on her. Besides, she would probably have seen my expression of feeling as an attack on her new, higher level of being (i.e. she was now a person who could sustain 2 loves).

So intellectually, I get the picture a long time ago. Now I'm getting the emotional picture, too. It's not a pleasant experience but it's a necessary one. I'm puzzled and annoyed that it's taken so long, but I'm delighted that it hasn't taken longer.

My main purpose in writing this out is to see if it makes sense to me. It does. My 2ndary purpose is to see what responses I get - SIers can always be counted on to be straight. we may sugar-coat 'you're wrong about this', but we always get the message across. My 3rd goal is help others who may be going through a similar experience; that remains to be seen.

In other words, having a potential audience is really important to me.

TIA to my brothers and sisters, to the SI staff, and especially to DS and MH for founding this place.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9734 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had cancer during his A. I couldn't have focused on my marriage if I'd wanted to. I wasn't allowed to have sex.

Makes me want to SCREAM!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC has said all along I couldn't have prevented the A, nor could I have shortened it. If I had threatened to kick her out, MC says, W would have gone underground.

Timing in an A and dday is interesting to me. I discovered FWW's A and followed through to dday at a time when her LTA was on an ebb cycle. When I confronted and exposed, she was OK with letting go of what had become more a habit than fling. OTOH, as we have talked about the different OM and A's, it is clear there were times that had I confronted she would have been inclined to leave me for OM, and at least one of the OM would have been open to her moving in with him. Her maintaining NC, and her OM doing so too, gave me the breathing room that we got to the point to attempt R. Just as easily, only a matter of timing, I could have followed through 3 years earlier when I suspected an A with another OM. At that point, she would have left because she lurved him, and he was single and offering for her to move in with him. I am sure I would have followed through with D in that case.

all just rolls of the dice


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4076 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the help W asked for and received - help that enabled the A

This was a sticking point with me for a long time. Man, did I have a lot of anger about that. I think LA44 talked about writing out a BS's timeline and I sort of did that after shortly after dday and then added to it, to encompass many years prior to the affair. I did this and this and this for you and YOU....YOU completely screwed me over. I was so pissed off at allowing myself to be used, when I didn't know I was being used.

I was fucking crazy during his affair. Really. Miserable. Awful. Lost and confused as to why I was in such misery. Thought there was something very much wrong with me.

Yep, me too, I was putting myself second. I just wanted him to be happy. I was accustomed to me being the bad guy and always feeling like everything was my fault and up to me to fix it. So I tried to make everything easier for him. Even when I thought the marriage was ending, I felt I had to smooth things out for him, make sure he'd be ok first and foremost, while I was dying inside. He sat back and did nothing.

After processing the anger I had towards him, and it was enormous, I had to process all the anger I had towards myself. It was even more profound.


Growing forward

Posts: 1737 | Registered: Sep 2011
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sisoon...sorry to hear about your discovery of yet more work to do. I am starting to really understand that the work we start while learning to R is actually ongoing....I am not just talking about healing from the A, but connecting to our spouses.

I see you are focusing on the pain you felt during your wifes A and post-DD...and that is valuable, growth-encouraging work for sure. But I submit (and I nervously write this to my favorite SI member) that which you are processing is going to make you healthier then you were pre-A and enable your connection to your wife to be stronger and different then before. This will require HER to adapt to your new input....and the cycle of discovery and growth will start again. This is good...this growing and interacting intentionally is what my wife and I should have been doing all along.

So hang in there...keep posting...hope I offer some comfort to the man that has encouraged, comforted, and nudged me along my journey.

It's funny how I'm realizing, right now, that all this time I've been telling myself that we were happily married until the A... and I am realizing that, no, no we were not happy. I was very, very unhappy. I just thought the marriage was FINE, it was me that had the problems.
The moment I knew I would stay and try to work it out was when he said to me, 'You weren't crazy. All those times I let you believe that you were crazy... you weren't crazy. I let you believe that to protect myself.

This speaks loud and clear to me PlainPain.

We talk a lot about how WS and fWS can lie so cruely to us BS's. I am here to say that my own issues and weakness's allowed me to lie to myself about just how happy and fullfilling my M has been. This mode of operation fit in nicely with my wifes hidden but ever present FOO issues too.

I totally went into MC pre-A with the singular approach that I, and I alone, was the problem our M was in trouble...again, my wife absolutely let me believe that. In essence, she validated my false assumptions which made the lie I thought was true even more true. Make sense?

This ties into Sisoons post....how dynamic and everspreading the process of learning to R is.

While my assumption that I was to blame for our damaged M pre-A was not 100% correct....it was not 100% incorrect either. I did and do have issues that degraded our M.

We were all blind...we are all gaining vision and wisdom through these tough trials.

May we all continue to have the courage to use our vision as it comes to us....to grow ourselves into healthier and healthier spots as we gain more and more vision....wisdom.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:21 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sisoon!)) I love making connections like that, even when they aren't pleasant. Being able to see more of the truth always helps in the end.

Really well said here, broken:

I really felt like crap today. I was hurting. I felt all those feelings again and it sucked. And you know what, I don't know that I could mention it to my WH. He just gets angry anymore. I know it is not remorseful even though he is doing what he should be. He just isn't really saying what I would want him to especially when I trigger.

Are these my feelings to deal with? Are they yours to deal with too? It seems selfish that our WS's should get a pass when it comes to helping us sort through our feelings, doesn't it? Shouldn't they be doing something since they caused this or is this one on me?

The front loading of work on the BS to maintain whatever stability we can on top of aiding in clarity for the WS is another layer in the injustice of it all. How unfair it all is just compounds.

Mine told me I was hard to get along with during his affairs. That I was demanding, controlling. And I believed him. Looking back now - oh, nope, he was just pissed I wanted him to do things with me and the kids and he couldn't immerse himself more in his "recreational activities."

I agonized during that year maybe I was all those things. Now... oh. It was that.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized it almost immediately. It was on dday, during the initial confrontation while he was explaining why chit-chat with his "just a friend" wasn't inappropriate. I asked "How could you do this, knowing we were having problems?", and my brain suddenly went ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Then it all made sense, why he had been so awful the last few months and how miserable I was. Of course, it didn't stop me from going into my own denial about how serious it must have been because I clung to the notion that it was an EA and not PA until I finally found proof.

The 'during the A' memories are some of the worst.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are these my feelings to deal with? ... It seems selfish that our WS's should get a pass when it comes to helping us sort through our feelings, doesn't it? Shouldn't they be doing something since they caused this or is this one on me?

Early on, a friend said to me that R required 3 healings: me, my W, our M. We each were responsible for our own healing; we had to work together to heal the M.

I stayed out of R for 90 days. I had to find the strength to go one without my W of 43 years. I agreed with my friend - I have to heal myself. My W definitely helps, but my own healing is my own work, just as hers is hers.

There are things we both have to work through that the other is better off not knowing about. The work can be very ugly while it's in progress. My W is committed to me and to R, but I strongly recommended she join SI and post on WS for help on some stuff that I just wasn't willing to help on. She joined, posted, got help, and now she looks forward to g2gs.

Early in my membership, the question of the WS getting a pass came up, and an FWS asked her H about this. Her H agreed he gave her a pass. My interpretation of his reasoning was that he couldn't figure out how to punish her without hurting himself simultaneously.

I worked really hard to do better than he did, but I couldn't. I believe it is impossible to punish our WSes without hurting ourselves, so I, too, chose to give my W a pass.

Until a year ago, I hated doing that. Now, however, it seems like a no-brainer, a very easy choice. Hey - she's doing the work of R. I'm getting what I want, and I've healed a lot. I don't want to punish her anymore.

If your WS doesn't step up, D is the way to make sure s/he doesn't get a pass.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9734 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.