Thanks for your responses everyone. Ashland13, I think you are on to something. I def need to work on improving my self-reliance on the happiness scale. Although we have been physically separated for 8 weeks, we have been emotionally separate for much longer. Hard to pinpoint..a year? six months? Somewhere in there.
For a long time, I have been angry and seeking a connection. After the separation, I have been in extreme grief. Sadness that was so ever-present that I didn't recognize myself and lost hope that I would ever be ok again.
But in the last few days, I have felt more "ok" than I have in a long time. I know that the road ahead will have a lot of emotional work no matter what, but I have been able to laugh, and not be consumed or obsessed with the problems in my marriage.
This is great and also scary. I feel relieved to feel better, but wanting so bad to fix my family that I am scared to lose my desperation. I know that sounds crazy.
I just know that putting the pieces back together will be so hard, I'm scared not to feel desperately needing of the relationship with my H. What if in finding myself, I lose the motivation to do the really hard stuff?