Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Momof3bz (44929)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How long does it take?
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been separated for 8 weeks, D-day was about 5 months ago. I had an EA with a friend/coworker. After looking back over the last five years, no one has been very fulfilled. My H is optimistic about forgiving the A (lots of work to be done, of course), and I am optimistic about forgiving what has been hurtful to me.

But we are still kind of stuck. Not knowing if we are compatible or if we can make each other happy. Maybe the memories of the bad times are just to fresh for us to see the possibilities.
Honestly, it seems like the state of the marriage before the A is the biggest hurdle for both of us.

Both in IC and MC. Just don't know how to sort all of this out!


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Heal&Deal
♀ Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long does it take to R? Quite a lot longer than 8 weeks. Your BS is likely still struggling to figure out what the hell happened.

How long does it take to know for sure that you want to be all in and give your M all you have? Hell, some people are married a lifetime and never figure that out. For others it is never unclear. For me? Well, I divorced. It took me about 15 seconds to know that would be the outcome, while it took me about 2 years to actually accomplish it.


Posts: 914 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been an active participant in the R forum? Seems like the better place for this question.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about finding happiness within yourselves and then seeing how you relate to each other?

There are a few people in my life who feel that their happiness comes from another person and they cannot be alone because of that. So they tread through many relationships and don't ever look inside.

And I know other people who are very strong in their own characters and have marriages that are extremely successful, but also their own lives they managed to keep. They look within for self-reflection when problems arise, as I do and are clearer with each other...I hope that makes sense.

Have to make ourselves happy first or find what makes us happy in life.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses everyone. Ashland13, I think you are on to something. I def need to work on improving my self-reliance on the happiness scale. Although we have been physically separated for 8 weeks, we have been emotionally separate for much longer. Hard to pinpoint..a year? six months? Somewhere in there.

For a long time, I have been angry and seeking a connection. After the separation, I have been in extreme grief. Sadness that was so ever-present that I didn't recognize myself and lost hope that I would ever be ok again.

But in the last few days, I have felt more "ok" than I have in a long time. I know that the road ahead will have a lot of emotional work no matter what, but I have been able to laugh, and not be consumed or obsessed with the problems in my marriage.

This is great and also scary. I feel relieved to feel better, but wanting so bad to fix my family that I am scared to lose my desperation. I know that sounds crazy.

I just know that putting the pieces back together will be so hard, I'm scared not to feel desperately needing of the relationship with my H. What if in finding myself, I lose the motivation to do the really hard stuff?


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.