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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice on what I should do
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick run down of the situation...BS and I are separated. we are heading to D. no MC, no talk about the A, my TT a year and a half ago really destroyed my BW. I did a timeline at the end of my TT, but I don't think my BW even looked at it. She doesn't trust or believe me.

We spilt kids 50:50, and I might have to go on an overseas trip next month that will cause our days to get adjusted so she can watch them while I am out of town for work, so I mentioned that to BW tonight. When I tell her this she says that she is triggered, and do I know why. As soon as she said that I do, 14 years ago during my first A my company was going to send me overseas and OW might have gone to. At the time I was excited by that thought, but it never happened. My BW knew I was excited by the trip, but thought it was because it would have been to some place I had never been, which was part of the reason, but at the time she did not know about my A.

So tonights info was new for her. Honestly, I had not even thought about that trip (from 14 years ago) since back then, and it only came back to me when she said that to me tonight.

So now BW is upset, rightfully so, it's like another Dday for her, and again says that all I do is lie.

Any advice on how to handle this? What a fucking mess I have made of BW's life. Can I do anything really? I apologized specifically for hurting to her, for lying to her (because the blanket 'sorrys' of the past always pissed her off. But it feels like since we have stopped talking about the A, mostly about kids and finances, that I don't know what to do.

So I guess she just has to feel the pain, and I have to accept that I was the cause of this new hurt...Is that all I can do?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I guess she just has to feel the pain, and I have to accept that I was the cause of this new hurt...Is that all I can do?

That's really all that you can do at this point. She will be going through this pain no matter what. Being there as a potential source of support, and apologizing for your specific past actions helps, even though it doesn't reduce her pain on her part. Accepting the pain we have induced upon our spouses is difficult, but necessary.

The main thing you can do for yourself is to live authentically and truthfully, and continue to act with integrity.


Posts: 6170 | Registered: Dec 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, BC.....you guys are torturing the hell out of each other with this perpetual state of 'limbo'.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7684 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick run down of the situation...BS and I are separated. we are heading to D. no MC, no talk about the A

With all due respect badchoice, looks like you've been "let go" as husband.

Any advice on how to handle this? What a fucking mess I have made of BW's life. Can I do anything really?

Your help in this matter is no longer required nor should it be expected. It is now up to your ExBS to heal herself. Your only obligation now is to your children and to heal yourself/become a better person for you.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 354 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the feedback.

I have to let go and grieve the loss of my M - it is just hard to admit to myself the reality of the situation.

D is the last thing I want, next to NC, but I think this is the suggestion that both BW and I have gotten here. BW has a couple of post in D/S and I just refuse to read them- I don't want to read the comments from others in that forum.

I used to read her posts obsessively, a way to stay connected, stay in her head, figure out what to do or say, but all it really did was hurt me and make me more depressed, so I have told myself no more doing things that hurt me.

Lately I have been fighting depression, the past two weeks have really sucked - and now this last turn of events have just spun me deeper into depression than before.

Thanks again for the feedback - I appreciate it.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake's words x2.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I what all of you are talking about. I understand it, just not ready to accept it.

I spoke to my IC today about this.

She thinks, and I agree that I am not ready to let go. I still don't want to face the reality that my M is over. I am still stuck in denial. I am still not willing to feel the pain of the loss, and until I am ready, I will most likely continue to try to make her feel better, think that I can help her heal, think that somehow I can do enough, and she will change her mind.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So because you're not ready to accept the reality that your BW is done with you, you keep inserting yourself into her life and therefore causing her more hurt.
How selfish of you.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 354 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So because you're not ready to accept the reality that your BW is done with you, you keep inserting yourself into her life and therefore causing her more hurt.
How selfish of you.

That's not exactly how it went down.

I agree with gonnabe, badchoice. Neither one of you is yet 'done' with the other.

I'm kinda hoping for a TCD/TTMU thing.

But then.....I'm frequently an eternal optimist.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FinallyHappy - yes I do too.

SlowUptake - not how it happens. I am not inserting myself into BW's life. I don't expect BW to be my support system, unless it's about taking the kids for extra days if I have to travel for work.

What has been happening lately is that BW will call me for support or advice, and then we discuss it. In the past we have said NC except for kids and finances, with little success. In the past it was me breaking that boundary, lately it has been her. I think we might be back to NC again based on this weeks trigger.

My IC says it is most likely the healthiest thing for me. I should not be part of BW's emotional support system since it keeps me in this eternal state of limbo.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi badchoice - I'm either missing something, or you're feeling guilt for mentioning that the kids' schedule will change a little while you take a work trip overseas because it upset your wife. Is that correct? If so, how else were you supposed to handle this? You're taking a trip, and you needed to discuss the scheduling with your STBXW. Is it unfortunate that she triggered? Yes. Is this something you can fix, or should not have done? No. You are taking a trip.

I think, since the title of this thread is 'advice on what I should do' that you should ask your wife what you were supposed to say, since it did need to be discussed. There really isn't an answer other than what you did.

Yes, it's very unfortunate that something caused a trigger. However, it happened. You needed to have this discussion. Your wife has already decided that M is over, so this really isn't anything that you can or should be dealing with differently.

Unfortunately, she just needs to work through her hurt. She's already decided that she will not R, so the rest really is up to her.

Good luck badchoice. Sometimes the only thing you can do is accept something and move forward.


Love leads to tears, tears lead to sadness, sadness to memories, memories to madness

Posts: 1675 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I can offer a unique perspective. I recently found out via TT that SAWH went to Paris on a "business trip" with the company OW worked for. He did not work for that company but was acting as a consultant for a project they were doing which is one of the reasons why the A started in the first place. At the time he went on trip, the explanation of the trip made sense (now of course, it doesn't make any sense but that is another issue altogether). At any rate, at DD he only admitted that she went one one trip with him (which oddly enough is one I would have NEVER guessed she went on), totally denied that she was with him on any other trip. Came to find out later that she was on Paris trip. When he finally admitted this, he led me to believe this was a business trip and there was a group from the company there. Now, two months later, he is finally admitting the truth - the company knew nothing about said trip, that it was just a trip for the two of them and no business was even conducted.

Obviously, TT over a 7 month period with stuff like this HURTS. He keeps saying that "this is all...you now know everything..." but do I? He tells me to "ask him anything and he will respond honestly." I wonder why is it my job to dig for the truth? Why can't he just product a timeline of everything?

The one thing that has helped is that he is making some changes - seeing therapists, going to SA meetings and I am starting to see positive changes and steps in the right direction. So I guess what my advice is: If you are serious about reconciliation, ACTIONS speak louder than words. SAs have to prepare a full disclosure/timeline of the affair/their sexual acting out. They work on it with their therapist (so it is written in a way that is honest but not brutal) and read it to the BS in a therapeutic setting (with the therapist present to help facilitate and support the effort).Writing it and handing it to your BW is not the courageous thing to do...reading it to her, visually seeing her reaction, learning how your affair affected her in ways you don't even realize is one way to get to a better place. My guess is that she has heard you say how sorry you are but has doubts - because of the betrayal and the TT - you really feel it in your heart. Also, if you are serious about dealing with issues that contributed to the A in the first place, you should get IC. Otherwise, you are doomed to take those issues with you into your next relationship. My guess is that if your BS sees you in IC and taking a hard look at yourself, she will reconsider.Not saying she will change her mind...but she will at least think. Afterall, it is only in her best interest that the father of her children is as healthy - physically and mentally - as he can possibly be.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake - not how it happens. I am not inserting myself into BW's life. I don't expect BW to be my support system, unless it's about taking the kids for extra days if I have to travel for work.

I apologise, I made an assumption without all the facts.

What has been happening lately is that BW will call me for support or advice, and then we discuss it. In the past we have said NC except for kids and finances, with little success. In the past it was me breaking that boundary, lately it has been her. I think we might be back to NC again based on this weeks trigger.

I repeat then:
With all due respect badchoice, looks like you've been "let go" as husband.

I don't expect BW to be my support system

Nor should she expect you to be her support system.
I think this is a boundary you are both going to have to enforce.

Good luck. I hope you can both get on with your lives.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 354 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for your feedback and advice on this. Been busy with work, so just now getting caught up on the thread.

Yes, I need to accept the reality, and figure out a way to move on, what ever that looks like.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Topic Posts: 14

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