I see how SI is important and it does help otherwise I wouldnt be reading and posting and asking for help. On the other hand sometimes I feel like it makes things worst. Am I the only one feeling this way.
Again I believe it works and I thank everyone that comes on to SI and help others and share their stories, sometimes I just feel this way.
Take what works for you and leave the rest
Its good advice for all of us. We are all unique individuals and there is no such thing as a cookie cutter solution. So, if the advice offered here doesn't work for you, then change it around. Like the saying goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat. If you sit and talk it out with your BS, you should be able to figure out what approach works best for the two of you.
NewAttitude - stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.
Remember, we all post with the best of intention but not necessarily with the greatest of professional skill.
Having your spouse on SI does pose some challenges but with some honest talk and some boundaries, it can work. Instead of worrying on what can go wrong with your spouse reading SI, perhaps the focus should be on what good comes from being here on SI.
wincings_sparkle - If it hurts, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you angry, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you cry, it is something worth looking at.
You just have to know when to take a break and direct your focus elsewhere.
Divorced and still trying to figure out why I was so crazy for so long. I do know this however: lies and deception lead to unhappiness.
[This message edited by plainpain at 2:41 AM, October 25th (Friday)]
My C (who I am no longer going to)actually told me I shouldn't be using this site for support, or taking the advice of strangers.
That being said, some of the strangers that I have spoken to on this site have taught me many things about myself and have forced me to realize things that I was trying to avoid or deny. I have found more support and learned more from this site than her.
There are times when I have to walk away because I'm reminded of what a piece of shit I was to my [BH].
Yep, me too. There is some small comfort in knowing I'm not the only one in the world who has f*cked up so severely, and I do take in the advice that seems most appropriate to the situation I've created in our marriage. On the other hand, there are times when reading everyone else's stories simply reminds me that I am piece of sh!t and that what I've done can never be undone nor that there is any limit to how or when the reality of my actions can come back up to the surface. Whether it's been one year or one decade, I have irrevocably altered our relationship.
Me: luckiest FWW ever
Him: strong and loving BS
A: 58 days
Married 19 yrs, shooting for 40+
Duuude! A HUFI sighting!
I agree with HUFI btw. Recon and healing isn't a one size fits all. There was alot of trial and error on my part. It was frustrating because I'd read that so-and-so's BH wanted such-and-such. And I'd try that. And it would fall flat. Because so-and-so's BH isn't my BH. They're all different. And it took time and patience to find the right formula for us.
There were, and still are, times when I can get consumed. And when I read here, I just get so overwhelmed. I have to remove myself. Not that SI is bad, but sometimes I just need to step away and breathe. And actually live the life that I've been trying to rebuild. kwim?
I do know this. Without SI, I wouldn't be where I am today. The creators of this site, all the volunteers who keep it orderly and safe, and the thousands of members that make up the awesomeness of this place, have been a huge help in my healing.
Just take what you need. And leave the rest.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"You can do it!" - R. Schneider
Does it ever make things worse? Maybe in the short term, but ultimately, no. Being on here with one's spouse can definitely be a challenge! But the benefits far outweigh the negatives IMO. ITA with the Sparkle quote, if something stirs up a bit of turmoil, it's worth a second look.
I don't post as much as used to, but I do come lurk, at least once a day. I've found that some of the best advice I have gotten from here took a long time to see results from.
When you feel like SI is making you feel "worse", I think that's a good time to figure out why that is! Just MHO!
Just take what you need. And leave the rest
[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 11:43 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
In one sense this forum has been a savior or lifeboat to my M. However sometimes the advice on here does not work for my BS and when my BS gets into a rage, following the advice here doesn't ease her pain and sometimes exacerbates it.
Exactly why I asked this question.
@HUFI thanks for the great advice
there have been times I have had to stop reading posts on this site because it is too painful and overwhelming.
Which is true because we WS also have our own triggers as well and I do also agree that people will say SI doesnt help but as @20Wrongs say
Does it ever make things worse? Maybe in the short term, but ultimately, no.
you have to take what you can relate to and ultimately just help yourself and your BS by taking advice that can work for you.
So thanks everyone and why is HUFI sighting so exciting ???? I'm sort of still a newbie on SI, is it like catching a rare Pokemon ???
My wife and I differ on the value of SI....I credit it to my personal growth, my wife resents it. It has given us opportunities to communicate with each other and work on boundaries together....but it has also been a source of resentment for my wife and a trigger for me.
We are currently not in counseling...did that for 1 year, I backed away from counseling then within a month my wife did the same. I backed away because I am reading books, praying, and have SI.
SI did not cause me to stop my real life counseling, but it was a factor in my decision to step away from counseling (another factor was our counselor was good for IC sessions but not great at MC...and we are at the point where MC was where the guidance was really needed). Within weeks of my decision, my wife asked me to return to MC....I agreed. But we have not done so yet. So I don't see SI replacing real life professional help...hopefully I have explained how I got to my decision to back away from counseling effectively.
After much reading....including the bible....I have a strong sense that people need community to grow. Left to a persons own accord, growth is severely limited if not almost impossible.
When interacting on SI, just like in real life connections, it is up to the individual on who they connect with and which advice and thoughts they pay attention to.
Kicker with adultery....I still feel it is a pain that is confined more to being carried in silent then any other pain I can think of. If I had cancer the reaction of people is pretty similar...stranger or your Mom, most would be compassionate and caring and supportive.....even your kids could grasp this.
But the reaction and support for the aftermath of adultery being invited into your M is not nearly as easy to seek support from, to community around it.
This is where SIs value is.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:21 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
Long story short...I believed MC with our existing counselor was no longer effective (12 months of weekly sessions), my wife agreed, she volunteered to spearhead finding a new one, she changed her mind on the importance, and our search ended there.
I am almost too involved in self discovery....post on here frequently, read lots of books, attend bible study, visit with my pastor and a very good friend regularly...so I felt comfortable at that time that I had a "community" from which to motivate me to continue my journey. My wifes "community" is different then mine, but she feels she is where she needs to be too. She has a strong dislike for SI...sarcastic comments about it during fights, perhaps some resentment though that feeling is me assuming.
I suspect professional help and intensive retreats will be a part of our R sometime in the future. I do value this type of formal, third-party involvement.
Getting back to the original intent of this post...SI's role in R and healing.
My wife has posted on here a few times but does not find the comfort or the motivation for self growth that I do from this site. Probably a difference in WS vs BS perspective.
There is one male member on here that has had a profound effect on me personally.
Without SI he and I would not have crossed paths.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]