Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ExWayward (44295)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The shame-rage connection
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't an integrated, healthy personal narrative the basis of self-forgiveness?
YOU need to make peace with the past and start living authentically in the present.

here would be a healthy personal narrative: She had an affair, she was raped, he didn't know how to deal with it so he had two affairs himself because he didn't know how to deal with his pain and because his anger overwhelmed him. she understood how broken he was over her actions, and knew it had nothing to do with her so she forgave him. They moved on.

Not so fucking easy.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go back to your last 2 posts and count how many times you write HE or HIM.

Gently, I'm suggesing you to look at yourself.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at myself in what way? That I did it so he gets to do it? I spent two years angry at myself. What is my role on this? I'm just admitting I can't accept, forgive or trust. I realize those are my issues.
I didn't have any role in his affairs. Why can't I be angry about them?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a great exercise:
(note your title)
Not quite sure what happened
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=510001&HL=39665

Now that you are 3 weeks removed from the incident, go back and look at YOUR role using The Karpman Drama Triangle.
*Look at yourself as a Victim ("I'm Blameless")
*Look at yourself as the Persecutor/Punisher ("I'm Right")
*Look at yourself as a Rescuer ("I'm Good")

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:17 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it feels like I'd be giving up myself to do this. Like, I WOULD have to swallow it.

And this is what every BS that has reconciled has been angry with themselves about. It's damned hard - for a long time. It sucks. But yes, you have to swallow it. You just have to. That's what you have to do if you're going to reconcile, because there is no other answer. There is nothing that can be done to even the score, as you well know. What happened happened. You either accept that it happened and there isn't shit you can do to change that, and you swallow it, or you end the relationship. Or, you stay angry, and really isn't that the worst option?

Acceptance. It's all about that - accepting in happened, that it sucks, that you can never make it 'right' and that you're staying.

This is the strength that it takes to reconcile - acceptance to the point that you can move past the anger.

You won't ever get over it. It will always be there - the black mark on the relationship - but if you want to R, then you just have to accept that.

I really wish there was a better answer - I think we all do. But there isn't.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1737 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you have shame about what you did... You had the A first... You broke the trust first. And you are dealing with the aftermath of your consequences. The rage comes from you trying to deal with the choices you made and how "fuck up" ended up. I hear a bit of entitlement in your tone of how you equate success. Sounds like you felt you deserved the attention and now have shame..
I can't really say I know but I am trying to put myself in your place.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at myself in what way?

Look at yourself gently. Look at yourself to figure out how to nurture yourself, to figure out what nurturing you want from others, to figure out what help you can actually get from others...that's a good start.

Remember that the nurturing that has the most effect is that which you give yourself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:14 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sissoon, your post is very comforting. I'll do that.
Dreamland, can't make heads or tails of your post.
Ladies first- trust, acceptance snd forgiveness have nothing to do with the drama triangle so I think I'll pass on your advice....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Topic of your post: The shame-rage connection

I'm just admitting I can't accept, forgive or trust. I realize those are my issues.

I'm so tired of having something wrong with me. I think I'm fine.

We have worked on specific things in IC using EMDR. Today, we worked on confidence.

You're fine? You're working on self-confidence? Is it the shame-rage connection? Or your issues are acceptance, forgiveness and trust?

Keep looking for connections, Rachelc!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.